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#60773 - 07/14/04 09:27 AM Re: I need advice
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 250
Loc: Europe
I need to quickly fix what I just posted.

This site has been holy ground for me, and I encourage others to come, but if the timing is wrong, just let it go.

Also, my wife has a really hard time dealing with my past. As far as this site goes, she later explained that it was very, very sad.

But it isn't. Not all of it. Anyway, she doesn't have to come here if she doesn't want to.

_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#60774 - 07/14/04 10:28 AM Re: I need advice
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by learning2remember:
I need to quickly fix what I just posted.

This site has been holy ground for me, and I encourage others to come, but if the timing is wrong, just let it go.

Also, my wife has a really hard time dealing with my past. As far as this site goes, she later explained that it was very, very sad.

But it isn't. Not all of it. Anyway, she doesn't have to come here if she doesn't want to.
No she doesnt have to come here. And for the record, from a partners point of view, it is hard for partners to come to accept what has happened to our partners in the past.. not because we are shocked, disgusted, etc.. but because it is so overwhelming we sometimes dont know WHAT to think! I had to battle anger for YEARS AND YEARS at my partner's perp (still do) as well as try to sort out all the various threads of emotions (there are so many all intertwining) before I could start to come to grips with what happened. I especially had a hard time accepting his acting out, his drug use and drinking history. Its pretty awful if you take it out of context and look at it in a punitive way - it has taken me awhile to put it in the context of pity and compassion and when I do so it does not bother me so much.

There are also people who come here who may be repressing memories of their own who get subconsciously triggered by thinking of something like this.

I think people who push away the survivor or this site are not rejecting the survivor but are in fact, unable to proces the full range of emotions that comes along with this knowledge.

This site is NOT a sad place at all. I dont see it as that in one bit. It doesnt serve ANYONE to keep horrible stuff like this inside - from what I am learning from professionals (psychologists, therapists, social workers) the biggest problem with SA is the NOT TALKING ABOUT IT, not even the incident itself can compare to the psychological, emotional and physical damage of keeping something like this inside for so long.

I see people on here talking openly and freely about things that are difficult, hard, and would probably baffle and freak out most of the "normal" population ("normal" deliberately in quotes) - to me this place is so uplifting and so life affirming, that we all dont quit in the face of adversity, that we all struggle to come to more and more understanding in spite of the pain and the fear.

You all continuously dazzle and amaze me with your collective courage and honesty!!!!


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#60775 - 07/15/04 11:47 AM Re: I need advice
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I don't know what to say, except that if your husband told you, it's possibly because he wants to do something about this.

I found that reading Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer really was great for me. Perhaps you can suggest that your husband read it. I wouldn't get it for him w/o asking him about it first. You may already know this, but if not I'd just point out that I think for most survivors the fear that someone will find out about our past is overwhelming.

It sounds stupid, I know, but when I first read the book I did so in the library, not even in my hometown, because I didn't want to risk being seen buying it in a bookstore.


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