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#60716 - 07/11/04 12:28 PM My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
I am so proud of my husband. He confronted his brother today! He has lived with this for over 25 years and today found some closure. He up to this point had somewhat of a relationship with him; nothing was ever discussed. It was a way of pretending to “be okay” to show his brother “he wasn’t affected, he overcame”. He never talked to him much, Christmas and other holidays. Never did I think he actually ever cared but never understood really why.

I learned just 4 months ago about his SA. We spoke last night and I told my husband that I hurt; why don‘t they? I couldn’t understand how my husband could pretend and allow his brother to have peace. I saw it as a “make believe world” and asked my husband when he would allow himself to “be himself”. It was like every time they were together he went on stage. Had to pretend really well to not let anyone know he remembered. He couldn’t explain if other family members asked ‘why” so he didn’t give them a reason to.

Today he woke up and said he was gonna confront him. He was gonna tell him no longer would he pretend. He said he felt sick, stomach ached and got really scared but mad.

His brother reacted with compassion although my husband didn’t care. My husband asked questions like “why” and there was no reason given. He learned that his brother had no reason for it, never experienced it himself, and the worst didn’t seem to realize the pain he caused. He told my husband that he didn’t blame him if he hated him, my husband replied “I do”. He told his brother he has an anger issue with his children; the same look my husband saw as a child. That he would never forgive him and that nothing he could say or do would reclaim his childhood that he stole.

He did it face to face and saw the reaction his brother had. His brother said as he left that he wished he could change it and his heart hurt. My husband said he felt peace and loved the idea of him now sharing in the pain he caused. I am so, so, so proud. I think this is a way of recovering his life. Making it his. As I told him tonight when he called. SA isn’t his life, it isn’t all he is about: he can be himself and now he has all the freedom!! He said I gave him courage and strength. That he saw how he hurt me and wanted the hurt to be at the ones he hated. I think we are making progress. Thank you to all of the post that has helped me talk to him and helped me with my peace. Thank you for your strength and courage so I could pass it on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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#60717 - 07/11/04 03:05 PM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
hi jaywho

give that man of yours a slap on the back from me. And tell him (whats the American phrase)
"way to go". He has claimed his life back....brilliant

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#60718 - 07/11/04 07:57 PM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
And another one from me as well, he deserves it.

Hell, you both do ! \:D

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#60719 - 07/11/04 08:46 PM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Jaywho - My brother was my abuser as well, so I read your thread with great interest. The things you spoke of regarding their present relationship are identical. I know I'm going to have to have this confrontation some day, but can't do it yet.

_________________________
Eddie

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#60720 - 07/12/04 12:16 AM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Tell him that we are proud of him. \:D

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60721 - 07/12/04 12:40 AM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
EGL: When you do, when the time is right you will know. My husband said he had tried everything else to cover it up. The pain never went away. That was his last hope; nothing else he thought would ever make it better. He is sitting here with me as I type and he said he feels; Releived and finally free!

If you have a relationship the same as my husband with his brother; I would think just as he that you are put on stage at every meeting. NO one else in his family ever knew, had to pretend and keep that going.

I told my husband that his life is still not his. He was living a fantasy . . reality was my pain . . Where was theirs?

I saw it like this: His brother with every meeting see's my husband and notices that he is doing great. Sure my husband wanted that but really?

Why not let that SOB know you are hurt, angry and they F**king ruined your life . . why let them have peace and you have hell? Let'em know what a piece of Sh*t they really are.

Another thing to consider is the reaction: My husband loved the pain he saw in his brother's eyes. He made him feel inferior finally after 25 years! I don't think his brother really actually cared he put my husband through this but now HE is imbarresed, confused, scared who will know and best of all . . \:D he doesn't have the control! \:D

What if his brother would have laughed?
Pretended it didn't happen?
WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS OR REMEMBERS . .
It is all about you and your peace!
It is all about you feeling better, nothing he could say will ever help you . . but the weight on your chest will be lifted!!


I wish you peace and hope that someday you will be able to do this. I heard my husband last night and there was exitment in his voice . . he was so, so, so proud of himself. \:D This was a big step, he did it and I beleive you can too!!

Will be thinking about you! Jay


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#60722 - 07/12/04 02:58 PM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
darp123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Maryland
Jaywho,

My H was also sexually abused by his brother over 30 yrs. ago. It sounds like my h had the same kind of relationship with his brother. We would see him at Christmas, etc. but he really couldn't stand him (I just thought it was because his brother was an a**hole I didn't know about the abuse). Since he started having flashbacks, nightmares and he has told me about the abuse, we haven't seen his brother(its been 2 yrs)and I dont know what if anything he will say to him when he does see him. I hope that he will be able to do something like what your H did if he chooses too. I know that I will be there to support him no matter what like you were there for your H. I hope this really helps your H with his healing.

Take care,
darp


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#60723 - 07/12/04 10:42 PM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
guy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/04
Posts: 236
Loc: nc
jaywho,

i am proud of what your hubby did. your support of him is great too.

i wish i would have told my two ex's and my ex live in. i lost both, not fully for the s.a. but my life was altered and changed by it in a most certain way.

i do hope he is better and you are. i just came out with my s.a. 3 months ago. am lost a bit with no wife or my ex g/f now but i have to heal myself before i can be good totally for others.

very nice post. glad to hear the good news!.

take care, guy


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#60724 - 07/12/04 11:56 PM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Jaywho - Your husband's analogy of being actors on a stage with his brother is dead on with the way I feel with my brother. It's like I feel this different personae come over me when I'm around him that I know is not truly me. What I'd like to do is give him a hard, swift kick in the balls. But, we all \:D and act like we're all \:\) where inside I'm really . Someday, I know that if not just for my own peace of mind, I'm going to have to confront him. He f***ed me as child, and then f***ed my first wife as well (double victimization). He and I have a lot of bad history.

_________________________
Eddie

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#60725 - 07/13/04 03:44 AM Re: My husband talked about it to his brother (one of his PERPs)
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
This sounds like great news for you and your husband!

Also, it sounds like your husband may have possibly helped his brother's children. That makes your husband as much of a "hero" as any of us.

\:\) SAR


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