Newest Members
FredM88, Vermona, Jas52, oliviaavaxj, biboy24
12109 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
-Matt- (39), kevin1963 (51), Northwoods (61), rcb0973 (58), sportinrucks (29)
Who's Online
3 registered (don64, 2 invisible), 53 Guests and 7 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12109 Members
73 Forums
62492 Topics
437995 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 6 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >
Topic Options
#143220 - 02/25/07 04:26 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: Kathryn]
philobat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 293
Loc: California
Kathryn, I feel for you, I really do. I hope you will be able to make the healthiest decision for you.

Regardless of our past, it is only an explanation of our behavior- not an excuse.

You are in my prayers.

Love,

-Philobat


Top
#143221 - 02/25/07 04:38 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: outis]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
Joe,

Hope you come back here and read this. I get what you're saying. It's like there's a piece of one's self which out of necessity created a little private room to go and hide. I can relate to this, I think I'm a bit like this myself. It's like an autistic nuclei or something: a turning away from the world to a private, internal space. And there's all kinds of crap there that we don't really want to see. I think in the case of men, they use sensation so as not to get in touch with this aspect of themselves -- at least more than women tend to do. We tend to just become Borderline -- Emotions flying all over the damn place!
But this is what I really want to know: aside from the whys, wheres, hows, is how this is experienced on an aesthhetic level.
One thing I've thought about is whether guys who say they aren't attracted to men per se, is whether they confine their notions of beauty to women (all that Beauty Myth stuff) -- whereas men are "handsome".
And yet it also seems that a lot of men are "drawn" to men so that they can feel like the "Beautiful One" -- the sex object. I mean frankly, that the Beautiful is considered the exclusive domain of the female body sucks if you're a man. I'd hate it, and would want to be able to feel beautiful in someone's eyes.
I'm 43 and so am slowly approaching being considered a "handsome woman" -- as though it's a demotion.... the ill effects of aging. You guys can only be handsome. Unless of course, you're gay -- then you get to be beautiful cuz gay men find men beautiful -- as it should be.
Personally, I don't find men only handsome, but beautiful.

So, how about the whole aesthetic aspect of all of this?

Thanks,
K.


Top
#143231 - 02/25/07 06:14 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: Kathryn]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Kathryn,

Yes, the ultimate decision lies with you. I wish you well with the decision you make that it will be the one that brings you the most lasting peace of mind. Like I've told you before, your man is a fortunate individual in that you see the value in him, the good person that is in there, the hurt little boy wishing to be free from the shackles. My hope is that both of you can find the solace in each other that is needed for his healing and your happiness with the man you've chosen.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#143233 - 02/25/07 06:27 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: WalkingSouth]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


I think I understand what you're saying. Is it that working out what's re-enactment and what's positive attraction extremely difficult? I mean, that's where I get hung up: the aesthetics.

If there's positive attractions based on positive aesthetic reactions, then there are things that a person in a female body can't provide. If the thrill is the sex act, not men per se, then why does replicating the sex act with a woman not do the trick?

If it's a sexualized way of getting approval from men, isn't all sex about this? I mean, I have sex with men in part to get their approval.... And I also have fantasies of getting female approval through having sex with a man, though I don't have fantasies of having sex with women per se. But there are what I could describe as genderless sexual moments, or of "feeling, almost visualizing" interior spaces in my lover -- sort of womb-like fantasies. Of couse, I think I also visualize specifically masculine interior spaces, yet there does seem to be a linkage with imagining feminine interior spaces -- thus the genderless moments.
I don't imagine a penis stuck onto a man with me on it -- I imagine the penis coming from inside the man -- so the penis interpenetrates. Rather than just penetrates....

It's taken me a long time to be able to articulate these fantasies, but they're there. It's sort of like experiencing my male lover as being "hard" like a man (father) in his outer appearance yet "soft" enough to hold me like a woman (mother).

Ok, so there's all kinds of needs we try to meet through sex.

As far as trauma: for whatever reason, I work my trauma out with men, though men (father) caused my trauma. Though I feel in myself the posibility of fleeing from men and working it out with women.... Just haven't -- for whatever reason. But I certainly couldn't stand my father touching me.

Anyway, just rambling thoughts.

K.


Top
#143235 - 02/25/07 06:36 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: WalkingSouth]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Thanks John.

Sending you really good wishes.


Top
#143238 - 02/25/07 06:52 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: Kathryn]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


P.S. -- I mostly stick around because he actually treats me pretty darn well.


Top
#143239 - 02/25/07 06:58 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: Kathryn]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
K,

I haven't acted out in this way, so I'm perhaps not the best spokesperson. Instead, I drank, got high, and avoided all hints of sexuality for many years. I "stayed away" from the memories that way.

I don't think aesthetics have anything to do with it. It's not at all related to sexual orientation, which would involve aesthetic senses. It's a different way to "stay away" from the memories, by "proving" that the interaction can have a different ending, "proving" that it's not an "out-of-control" situation, but instead it's something that the survivor "controls" in the sense of finding a partner, a time, a place.

Or maybe it's a rush of feeling, unlike anything else the survivor can experience when living a life in which strong emotions must be avoided because some of them, related to the abuse, seem too powerful to endure.

I'm not an expert, but I'm sure that aesthetics isn't a motivator.

In the end, whether you understand or not, you will have to decide on your own which limits are inviolable, what past acts are forgivable, and how you and your bf will communicate about these. Every relationship has struggles and causes some pains. A lot of that comes from the "baggage" the partners bring with them to the relationship. This particular "baggage," because it's related to sexuality, itself part of our human core, often brings these kinds of hurts. Recovery is possible, but no one should ever even hint that it's easy for anyone involved, survivor or pro-survivor.

I'm past what I can offer on this subject. Please, when you make your informed decision, be at peace with yourself.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#143299 - 02/26/07 03:14 PM Re: Acting Out *DELETED* [Re: outis]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Post deleted by selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

Top
#143336 - 02/26/07 09:00 PM Re: Acting Out [Re: selene]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
Selene,
Quote:
[... i think we can make a new and very loving relationship, but it's a new one and not a continuation of the original ... and maybe we can make it something truly wonderful ... but for me there may always be that little something special missing ...
I spent a lot of time reading about relationships, especially marriage, and things like infidelity in the last several years. I think the most important word in the piece I quoted from you is "may."

There are couples who recover from infidelity and use that crisis to strengthen their marriage. You two could be one such couple, if you're both on the same team now.
Quote:
... it's hard, adam, to deal with the cheating ... and sometimes i wonder if i've done the right thing ... sometimes i wonder if maybe i'm totally nuts to even consider staying ... but it's what feels right for now ... maybe that makes sense ... i hope so ...
Only you can know if it's "the right thing," and maybe only in time will you know. But if you are actions are aligned with your best motives, it's difficult to see how you can go wrong. Your path forward may involve pain, but all paths through life have some pain. The potential up-side on a loving, committed marriage is tough to beat.

Thanks. It's nice to see someone fighting for their marriage and their family.

Joe

P.S. Have you checked out the online forums at http://www.divorcebusting.com?

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#143749 - 03/02/07 06:09 AM Re: Acting Out [Re: Lloydy]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
I need to read this over and over again. There is so much wisdom here and I feel like by reading it, I can somehow start to understand me and the struggle I have with the desire to act out with another man.


Thank you so much men for taking the time to share your thoughts as I have never read anything like you have said and it is very meaningful to me.

Barney


Top
Page 6 of 8 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.