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#60602 - 07/10/04 02:06 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
All that you can do for him is ask him to get help and point him in the right direction.

I would still love to hear the logic behind your belief explaining how having an 8 year affair is good for someone's marriage. You must think very highly of yourself to believe that, especially when he "withdraws" back to his wife. I wonder if it could be contributing to why he is in a BAD marriage. I'm sure that things will be different with you if you ever manage to convince him to leave her. After 8 years, I'm sure it must be a high priority for him.


I will never understand the logic of people like you. Probably because there is none. You are just selfish and ignorant.

I will suggest that you go apologize to his wife and ask for her forgiveness.

I have much much more to say, but I won't.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60603 - 07/10/04 07:15 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Amen MikeNY
Quote:
I would still love to hear the logic behind your belief explaining how having an 8 year affair is good for someone's marriage. You must think very highly of yourself to believe that, especially when he "withdraws" back to his wife. I wonder if it could be contributing to why he is in a BAD marriage. I'm sure that things will be different with you if you ever manage to convince him to leave her. After 8 years, I'm sure it must be a high priority for him.
I have a friend doing the same. 6 years and still there! She is stuck cause he plays her emotions. He tells her about his wife being mean to him, taking his money . . etc. . anything to justify that he is the one in pain here. Love me . . I am so hurt . . we as women love it, eat it up . . gotta take care of our men . . natural instinct. Why do you want this responsibility, learn a new hobby.

I see my friend in pain, crying and hoping that one day he will come around. How about taking your own life into consideration and making yourself HAPPY ?"?"?"

My friend said: "if I only get one day a month it is enough, it is better than nothing", what a joke. The other 29 days she sits waiting. CRAZY!

Hey had a thought? Is his wife aware of the SA? Anyone but yourself? If not that would be another way to keep you hanging then wouldn't it? You have an issue that he only told you; can't leave him now.

Not saying the SA isn't an issue but my friend's man uses things simular to keep her feeling at bay.

Another thing: Could this "Harmony" be an "acting out partner"? I'm new but if it is going on 8 years, it must make him feel something but nothing enough to leave . . not sure . . an idea?


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#60604 - 07/10/04 08:01 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Quote:
we as women love it, eat it up . . gotta take care of our men . . natural instinct.
I can give you so many arguments against this statement that you could write a book when I'm done. With what happened to your husband you should know how false this statement actually is. This is one of the stigmas of society which has caused many of us here great amounts of pain. You can be content knowing that you yourself are like that, but there is no innate natural instinct involved. My perp was nothing but a control freak who needed to satisfy a need for power, SHE did it at my expense. Women are fully capable of comitting ALL of the same crimes that men do, and they do. She was no care giver. Her daughter is proof of that, but I won't go into any details.


Quote:
Another thing: Could this "Harmony" be an "acting out partner"? I'm new but if it is going on 8 years, it must make him feel something but nothing enough to leave . . not sure . . an idea?
Yes, I have more than one idea, but I will not speculate on things when I do not know enough about the situation. The only thing that I know right now is that a woman with no self-esteem is sleeping with another woman's husband and thinks that it is good for her marriage. I wonder if there are children involved. I wonder how many other women he may have done this with or IS doing this with. I wonder how many other people Harmony has been involved with during this 8 year time period. I wonder how many precautions either one of them has taken or is taking concerning STDs. I wonder how good it would be for his wife and her marriage when he comes home with STD's? If he is lying to his own wife, how many other people do you think he is lying to?

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60605 - 07/10/04 09:56 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Harmony, you said that you are a counselor. Are you his counselor? If you are, that places you in a position where you are considered to have power over him. Whatever other legalities are involved vary state to state. I do know that it would make you nothing but a perp to most, if not all, of us here.

Quote:
You say you have known him for 30 years. Which leads me to believe you know his wife
Do you know his wife? If so, how many times have you lied to her to her face? Every time that you pretended to be her friend and haven't talked with her about all of this, is another time.


(Edited by Ken for flaming.)

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60606 - 07/11/04 10:45 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Also, I can't wait for the lawmaker's to actually do something about all of this stuff the way that they can and should. Some of them are finally getting smart enough to try to do things with it. They can easily create laws that would follow the same logics as gun laws and DWI laws regarding things like what her husband is doing to her. There are all kinds of "Potential to cause harm" laws. I also hope that someone will be smart enough to try to use the new "Bioterrorism" laws that are applicable to situations like this. I am glad that they have started to arrest some people who do these things for attempted murder and murder when they infect somone with HIV while doing this stuff. Everytime that he doesn't tell her what he has been doing before having sex with his wife is another time that he is holding a gun to her head. She just doesn't know about it, and doesn't know if the gun is loaded.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60607 - 07/12/04 12:02 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Quote:
With what happened to your husband you should know how false this statement actually is. This is one of the stigmas of society which has caused many of us here great amounts of pain.
I am very aware because of what happend to my husband that all women are not created equal. I however do take great pride because I have such LOVE for him I do feel I need to care for him. I didnt' mean anything by this. I do feel that in most women there is a natural instinct to nurture and care for anyone they truely love. After 8 years you can't tell me even though we talk crap about Harmony there isn't LOVE in her emotions. She wouldn't be here if there wasn't. SA is never about LOVE I've learned it is about CONTROL.

I do not agree with any women seeing a married man. However the man is at fault if after 8 years his A$$ is still keeping her on. To do this he must make her feel important, how else is he doing that if not by making her feel needed? That was all I was saying.

I think you have read most of my posts. I do feel that low self estem has caused her to stay that long as well as my husbands shit to happen! But . . You feed a stray and it will usually stay doesn't it? My friend is being fed and played on her emotions . . that was the point. . that is all I mean . . sorry, I know it didn't sound right!


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#60608 - 07/12/04 03:05 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
I don't care how she thinks she feels about him, or what he does or does not do to her or for her. She shouldn't be there at all. Period. As for how long it's been going on, it should have never started. She deserves the nothing that she is getting, actually less.

My perp tried to call what she did love too. I know that she fully believed it. If Harmony is his councelor, she is nothing but a perp.

If he is in a marriage that is that bad, then there are other ways to handle the situation. Under no circumstances does his wife deserve what is being done to her, with or without Harmony's help.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60609 - 07/12/04 10:42 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by HARMONY:
Thank you, Arch:

Regardless of the dynamics of my relationship with this man, the bottom line is he is a survivor of SA. This is why I am looking for help, so I can help him when he is ready for it. I am also interested in learning as much as I can from those who have already been there.

He has no friends, no support system, retreats and isolates, and talks of suicide. I happen to love him as a friend more than anything. So I am here for help, not judgement.

Thanks for your support to me. It matters.
If you love him as a friend then stop sleeping with him. People who are sexually abused get really confused about sex, love and appropriate/healthy sexual relationships and often engage in "acting out" sexual behaviour (inappropriate sexual behaviour).

If you are sleeping with a married SA survivor (who is not married to YOU) then you are just encouraging and enabling his sexual acting out - kind of like supplying drugs to an addict. You're just enabling his addictive/compulsive behaviour.

If you truly love him like you say you do STOP sleeping with him and get him to a counsellor PRONTO.


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#60610 - 07/12/04 10:48 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by MikeNY:
[QB] [QUOTE]we as women love it, eat it up . . gotta take care of our men . . natural instinct.
Gotta take care of our men can take many forms. Giving in to compulsive sexual acting out is NOT taking care of "your man".. Newsflash: he's NOT your man.. he's married to someone else.

What this is is weak and spineless and a characteristic of a codependent. And its not healthy for ANYONE involved. Taking care of him would be to STOP sleeping with him get him to some therapy PRONTO, tell his wife what is going on and get the hell out of the picture.

SA does NOT go away when someone has a lot of "crutches" to avoid dealing with the issue. Whether it be someone who's sexually acting out, drownign themselves in alcohol, numbing themselves with drugs, it is a temporary crutch. Only by going into the pain, getting in touch with the feelings, working through the pain, the anger, the deceit, the grief and learnign to trust again and feel safe will someone recover. THAT is taking care of someone.

P


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#60611 - 07/12/04 10:50 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by Archnut:
I have empathy with Harmony as I too was labeled as a "homewrecker" in my younger life with numerous affairs with married women trying to be a man and to prove to myself that I wasnt gay.
Ok arch - thanks for the note - but you were reacting to SA and we can understand your behaviour in that context. What's Harmony's excuse?

If she too is a SA survivor then her and the guy she is sleeping with BOTH need help and BOTH need to stop sleeping around.

P


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