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#60591 - 07/09/04 07:53 PM NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
HARMONY Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/09/04
Posts: 6



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#60592 - 07/09/04 08:36 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
HARMONY,

First I'll start out by saying your name should be DISharmony if you are having an affair with a married man. No matter how bad you preceive he has it at home, this is a bad situation for both of you. No matter what you do regarding the question of SA, get out of that relationship. If I'm off-base here, forgive me.

Regarding the question of SA. The only way he will begin to seek help for SA is if he seeks help for SA. The laws of physics dictate that the only way you can push is away. You can guide and you can be supportive, but that's about it. He will only seek help when he sees and wants it. To push will only make him retreat more. The only one that can bring him to heal himself is himself. You cannot fix him, no matter how much you may want to.

The teddy bear was a wonderful thing. That was very kind and considerate of you. I appreciate that you did that.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#60593 - 07/09/04 08:50 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
HARMONY Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/09/04
Posts: 6



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#60594 - 07/09/04 11:45 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Quote:
Now that I suspect SA is the reason for the decreased self esteem
What is the reason for your low self esteem that has put you in an affair with a married man?

Bill was right about what he said. The teddy bear was a nice idea, but you are only heading toward trouble for yourself and for him.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60595 - 07/10/04 12:13 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
HARMONY Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/09/04
Posts: 6



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#60596 - 07/10/04 12:50 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Harmony,
First off if this man in your life has suffered SA in his child hood the only real thing you can do is show him that you are there for him when and IF he wants to share that info with you. And that you will not judge him. Telling someone that you have been abused is one of the hardest thing a man can do. The teddy bear is a good thing. Kind of cool if you ask me.

Now,
Quote:
having an affair is not what I want to be doing
ummmmmmmmmm HELLO.......is he forcing you to "having an affair"? If the answer is no then you want to be doing it.
Quote:
I am not looking to destroy a marriage
you may not be looking but you are. This is a married man and you have been sleeping with some other womans husbond for 7 years. Wonder how long you and him will be before he finds anther one like you. You should change your name to "Harm" because you are not providing Harmony for this man's life. In fact you are probley doing harm to him. Helping him see that keeping secerts is just part of life. Shame on you. You say you love this man, what about his wife? You make no mention of her. You say you have known him for 30 years. Which leads me to believe you know his wife and if they had kids then you have seen his kids grow up and start lives of there own.

Now this is a place to get support on issues due to SA, but you have to take the good with the bad. I am sure that you will find ways to help this man and help yourself at the same time. But when you come in here talking about abusing his wife please be ready for the backlash.

Good luck
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#60598 - 07/10/04 08:10 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Maybe I'm well off message with regard to this thread but im gonna post it regardless.

I feel its my duty to a least try to give a helping hand to someone whose asking for help as I searched for so long for help myself.

I have empathy with Harmony as I too was labeled as a "homewrecker" in my younger life with numerous affairs with married women trying to be a man and to prove to myself that I wasnt gay.

I found the self rightious attitude a bit uncomfortable.

Regards

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#60599 - 07/10/04 09:28 AM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
HARMONY Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/09/04
Posts: 6
Thank you, Arch:

Regardless of the dynamics of my relationship with this man, the bottom line is he is a survivor of SA. This is why I am looking for help, so I can help him when he is ready for it. I am also interested in learning as much as I can from those who have already been there.

He has no friends, no support system, retreats and isolates, and talks of suicide. I happen to love him as a friend more than anything. So I am here for help, not judgement.

Thanks for your support to me. It matters.


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#60600 - 07/10/04 01:39 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Harmony,
Dont get me wrong. You will find the support you need here. But you are going to have to take the good with the bad. Read the reply's and take what you feel you can use and discard the rest. After all you will find that survivor's can be very intence on some things. As for your friend, you need to keep in mind that there is a diffence between support and trying to do it for him. We tend to try "fix" things in the ones we love in order to help forgo some of the pain involved in them doing it themselves. This isnt something you can do for him. You can walk beside him, hold his hand, hug him, love him. But when it comes down to brass tacks he is the one who has to make the choice to help himself. If you read some of the threads here under the family and friends forum you will find a pretty common theam. Be sure to take care of yourself first and for most. You will not do him and expecily yourself any good if you loss yourself (regardless if we think thats a good thing or bad thing) in trying to help him in his recovery. Some times survivor's need a little push and sometimes we push back. So be carful you are getting ready to start down one of the more rerording and most scary roads you have ever seen. Just be sure to be true to yourself on this journy.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#60601 - 07/10/04 01:53 PM Re: NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
HARMONY Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/09/04
Posts: 6
Thank you James.


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