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#60559 - 03/16/06 12:31 AM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
clemente Offline
Member

Registered: 03/15/06
Posts: 32
Loc: Eastern US
First time poster here. This thread has been so meaningful to me. Many thanks to all of you for sharing so thoughtfully and deeply. A special thanks to "Larry" for the list of things that survivors need to hear from their loved one(s). I have copied that into my file called "Research" where I have been stashing all the information I can find on male sexual abuse survivors and their partners. Whoami, if you have not already read this book, get "Victims No Longer" (2004 edition) by Mike Lew. It will give you perspective and understanding.

_________________________
Clemente

"Time is the currency of love..."

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#60560 - 03/16/06 05:09 AM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi whoami,

I know what you mean! I've been here for a long time and it's STILL such a relief to know that someone else can identify \:\)

I also kept my partner's disclosure quiet at his request-- this is a burden that can really weigh you down... especially when the people who know you well, know that something is going on in your relationship. Is there anyone you can speak to about some of what's going on?

I like what Tracy had to say about developing a sense of power because she and her fiance can change things in their lives. I know that a lot of what I did the first few months after I found out about his SA, I did because I felt so powerless and out of control-- you know, a LOT of what I have learned about my partner and myself in the last few years has come back to control... I can relate to your feeling that once you said you were going to do something, you had to do it even if you didn't want to anymore.

Part of what I realized after I learned about the acting out, was that I was trying to hard to control my life because there was so much of it that I didn't want... or enjoy... I was "choosing to be happy" every day, but I wasn't making the daily decisions that I would have felt happiest about. If I had been, I wouldn't have had to "choose" to be happy so hard.

I didn't physically separate from my partner at any point, but I did start drawing some lines that really changed the relationship I had with him... in a way you could say that over a period of 6-12 months, we did end that relationship and start a new one.

Does that make any sense?


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#60561 - 03/16/06 12:44 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
One thing (among many!) that I really like about SAR's general attitude to this situation is her stress on where the two partners are NOW.

I say that because I have never found it all that productive to go back to the past with the idea of assigning a chronology of "You did this", "No, you did that", "Ah, but that was because...", and so on. I don't think it ever helped my wife either. It just frustrated us and got down to an exercise in assigning blame rather than solving problems. We were maneuvering, not sharing; strategy was more important than honesty.

I'm not saying, of course, that the past doesn't matter. It very much does. But the bottom line really is, "Where am I now?".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#60562 - 03/16/06 05:09 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
whoami Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 11
Loc: South Carolina
I have had some fairly good talks with my husband over the last few days. He is hurting so badly it just about kills me. I introduced him to this site and I believe he is overwhelmed and relieved to have this resource. I know that I am. You all seem like such good, healthy people and you really understand the problems that each of us has no matter how different they are.

I did open the door just a crack to let him know that a reconciliation in the distant future was not out of the question but that it would take a lot of work on his part (and mine). But, he is so new into his recovery (he has only ever talked about it with me and his T in the last 6 months) and is still very unhealthy. He still has the feelings that I don't deserve this and he doesn't deserve me and on and on. He wants me to help him as much as I can as a friend not as a spouse. So, I really don't know anything to do other than move forward. If he had expressed some interest in reconciling in the distant future, then I would possibly take our house off the market and move forward a little differently than if I know divorce is eminent. Anyway, I'm ok with it either way. I just know that he will realize soon that this is a mistake and that I really am "as good as it gets" and then it will be too late.

I wish there was something I could do to ease his pain. I don't believe I have ever felt so helpless in my life. And, being the control freak that I am, it is a little uncomfortable.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.


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#60563 - 03/16/06 06:05 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
he is likely so confused at this point that he doesnt even know what he wants. i know it hurts, but i think you are doing the right thing. go on with your life the best you can. i have been in recovery for four years at least, and i have only gotten into my marriage with both feet and a healthy, happy outlook in the last six months, and only after more mistakes than i can count.

goodluck on your journey, and goodluck with your marriage. i really hate to see love die. it is such a precious thing.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#60564 - 03/16/06 06:21 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I can only give one survivorís perspective on this. And since I donít know the whole story, Iíll keep it short. It pisses me off no end to see the destruction that this crap causes. I usually look at it from the survivorís perspective, and I think about the long road heís facing and the fact that it will probably get worse.

But I do try to see it from a spouseís point of view, too. Where exactly do you go to get those 13 years back that you invested in the marriage? Who makes good on the lie that you were marrying a ďnormalĒ guy. A survivorís denial, which we call a defense mechanism, is a terribly selfish thing. Itís good, I suppose, in that it keeps us from suicide or some other self-destructive behaviors. But boy oh boy itís still selfish and hurtful to those that get deluded into buying the lies we create about ourselves.

Wish I had some great advice, but I donít. Iíll just say Iím sorry for what youíre going through and I donít think you should feel any guilt about moving on. Youíre entitled to a life, too, one thatís built on reality.


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#60565 - 03/16/06 08:07 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
whoami Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 11
Loc: South Carolina
What I want you all to pray for me is that I will find someone who is comfortable in his own skin, who doesn't have to sit in a room where he has to be able to see an exit, who feels comfortable in a social setting and all the other things that survivors feel and do. I will tell you that this whole thing really makes me question my judgment about other people.


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#60566 - 03/16/06 08:20 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
whoami,

I feel for your pain and frustration. I can tell you that a recovered survivor can be all the things you want. But the question is are you prepared to go through the work of recovery with him, without guarantees that he will stick with it and produce the results? From what you say it sounds to me like he is unlikely to make a real effort without you, even though the way he talks now sounds like he has already given up. Remember that that's the feelings of shame and worthlessness talking, not him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#60567 - 03/16/06 10:03 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
whoami Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 11
Loc: South Carolina
The T that he has been seeing for the past 6 months does not specialize in SA. She suggested that she refer him to someone else and he refused. However, I talked to him the other night about it and after tooling around this site a bit, he has decided to let her refer him after his appointment next Tuesday.

I am not completely closed to the idea of trying to help him through this. As I said, I care for him a great deal and want to see him healthy and happy - even if that means with someone else. We are great friends. And I will do anything he asks. But for now, I'm movin' on. He knows I'm here for him in the meantime.

P.S. I did order the book - Victims No Longer. Should have it Monday.


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#60568 - 03/17/06 05:35 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
whoami,

That's great news that he has agreed to see a T who specializes in abuse cases. She ought to be able to help him enormously - if he will open up and talk to her.

I'm also glad you are considering your options and feelings carefully, but in all honesty I still see a lot of conflict in what you are telling us. You are fed up and used up, as you say, but you still care for him deeply. That caring strikes me as being the caring of a wife, not a friend. But of course that is for you to consider and decide.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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