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#60549 - 03/10/06 08:14 AM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
confused wife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 10
p.s. My marriage was a lie...I've been thinking that same thing.


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#60550 - 03/10/06 02:41 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
whoami Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 11
Loc: South Carolina
Phoster - Your post truly made me cry. It gave me the courage last night to tell my husband the way I have been feeling. I do not believe that this communication will help us recover our marriage but it did feel good to get it out in the open since most of our marriage has been me making sure he was okay. You are so right that this is sad because we do love each other dearly and I only want what is best for him. On the other hand, he keeps telling me that I deserve better than he has ever been able to give me emotionally and you know what, I believe him. There's the tragedy. I'm just trying to get through this difficult time the best way I know how.

Confused Wife - I wish I knew what to say to you. It does make it a little easier on me to walk away because we do not have children. My heart aches for you.


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#60551 - 03/10/06 02:54 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i thought that along the way, that my wife deserved better, and she did, but where i was wrong was thinking i couldnt give it to her. i couldnt in the state i was in, feeling sorry for myself and depressed, but when i am healthy, i can be all she ever needs. i just hope i havent damaged us so badly that i wont get that chance. unfortunately, it took that affair for me to finally get it. it took having to move home for a time, and to live day to day without the kids and her for me to see what i had. i dont know if you can, because sometimes people are just too hurt to ever recover, but if you can, you might start with a separation. let him taste life without you and the kids, and maybe he'll be like me and realize what he had to lose all along, and what real unhappiness feels like. it could change him deeply.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#60552 - 03/11/06 08:37 AM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I am moved by this thread. It gives me some idea of how my wife may feel/may have felt. whoami, confused wife, phoster and others, I weep for and with you. It takes a lot of courage to talk about this stuff. I think I am coming away from this thread with a little better understanding. Thank-you.

I'll be thinking of each of you who's shared your pain.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#60553 - 03/11/06 02:51 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
John,

I agree with you completely. This entire forum gives me a perspective that I had lacked for so long. Some of the things it shows me about myself are painful to accept, but I think I am/will become a better man and partner as a result.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#60554 - 03/11/06 06:24 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
whoami,

Quote:
On the other hand, he keeps telling me that I deserve better than he has ever been able to give me emotionally and you know what, I believe him.
I believe him too.

I understand why it would hurt you so deeply to hear that your partner is unhappy.

I spent some very unhappy years in my relationship when things were hard for my partner. It was certainly easy for both of us to blame the difficulties on circumstances-- we didn't like where we were living, money was tight, etc.

I didn't complain. I figured every relationship goes through a tough patch, everything worthwhile takes some hard work, ten years from now we could laugh about this stuff together, etc. I was more than willing to spend a limited amount of time being unhappy with my circumstances because I had a goal in mind of a whole life together. I assumed that he felt the same way and that he was stressed out and unsupportive because life was just a lot of work at the time.

What made it okay to me was the understanding-- what I later learned was my assumption-- that we were working together towards the same goal.

Then I found out that while I'd been unhappy, un-supported, trying so hard to keep things together, all that time he had been acting with total disregard for that goal that I thought we shared. He'd been shitting all over everything I thought WE were working toward with his lies and acting out, without stopping to think about me, and our kids.

I felt like my hard work and dedication meant less than nothing to him. I felt resentment and anger about that period of my life, not because of the choices I made, but because I felt I'd been tricked into making them. And then all of the sudden he wants to get better, and HIS unhappiness is the only thing that matters.

I have said on this forum before that I think the only thing that saved my relationship was that we were years away from these events, and on much better ground, before he disclosed the abuse and acting out. Trying to save the relationship at that point would have been like doing surgery on someone with a bad infection.


I guess the point of the story is that the present does not have to be the past. You deserved better than you got; what about now? Can he give you what you want and need in a partner now? Does he want to learn how? Do you want to accept it from him? Has he given you any reason to believe that this is possible for him?

You don't need to answer me; if you don't feel like you can say Yes to these questions, I suspect that you'll pay a higher price in self-doubt and guilt for staying than you would for leaving. But I think it's important to say that we can accept the past, and how badly it's hurt us, without letting it make our decisions for us now.

(edited to add-- This was an uncomfortable post for me to write because both of us played a part in the way things worked out, and I'm not saying much here that holds me accountable for my part. The feelings and actions I'm describing were not coming from a healthy place in me-- they don't reflect who I am today. But before I could deal with that, I needed to give myself permission to deal with the rest of what I'm talking about in this post. It is a step in a long process. -S)


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#60555 - 03/13/06 12:01 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Whoami

I just wanted say that your story is so similar to where I was about 9 months ago and I feel for you very much.
Your love for this man comes through you posts and whatever decision you take next will be hard because youre either going to lose him and your marriage or be in for an emotional rollercoster with an uncertain outcome.

Whichever path you choose I wish you well and I for one will applaud you whichever decision you take. This is no dress rehersal, we only have one life and we all deserve to live it in as rich a way as possible.

I chose to stay with him and am so very glad I did.

Love

T


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#60556 - 03/13/06 06:19 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
whoami Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 11
Loc: South Carolina
SAR - whoever you are, you are incredible.

Quote:
I didn't complain. I figured every relationship goes through a tough patch, everything worthwhile takes some hard work, ten years from now we could laugh about this stuff together, etc. I was more than willing to spend a limited amount of time being unhappy with my circumstances because I had a goal in mind of a whole life together. I assumed that he felt the same way and that he was stressed out and unsupportive because life was just a lot of work at the time.
This is exactly how I have felt over the past couple of years, I mean EXACTLY. And, I figured that I just wasn't as needy as he was. I also am generally happy no matter what - I look at happiness as a decision that I consciously make every morning when I get up to start my day.

Quote:
I felt like my hard work and dedication meant less than nothing to him. I felt resentment and anger about that period of my life, not because of the choices I made, but because I felt I'd been tricked into making them. And then all of the sudden he wants to get better, and HIS unhappiness is the only thing that matters.
Again, you are conveying exactly what I'm feeling. Maybe one day, I'll let him read this so that he will truly understand where I am.

Up to now, I haven't felt like I wanted to even give reconciliation a thought because I am stubborn and like I said, I told him in August that if he gave me his unhappiness speil again that it was over. But, I have never wanted this and I haven't thought that anything much was wrong with our life, certainly not big things. Now I wonder if a 6 - 12 month separation might really do us some good and make him realize what he had. I am a little afraid to let him know that little tidbit for fear of rejection. He did, however, say Thursday that he hoped that I wasn't doing this just because I said I would. That really hit home because that pretty much is the reason.

I really want him to get to a healthier place. No child should ever have to endure all the things that he has endured (alcoholic mother, murdered father, sexual abuse). It is truly amazing that he is alive and functioning at all.

I feel like you all are my only friends right now because I promised my husband that I would not discuss this with any of my friends in order to protect him.

Tracy - Tell me what happened once you decided to stay and now that some time has passed.


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#60557 - 03/14/06 01:39 AM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Whoami,

I'm sorry you're here too. Being the partner of a survivor is fraught with danger and heartache. I too am in a very precarious place. My b/f is a mess and canít make up his mind from one moment to the next what he wants to be when he grows up. No, not in his professional life, which is quite successful, but as a functioning, personally successful, satisfied and happy man. He doesnít know how to do that. His ability to do that was torn from him as a child by the very people who were supposed to love and care for him.

The deeper I get into this and the more I learn the more I find I donít know. Iím able to make connections as to why he thinks certain things and acts certain ways, but I canít undo it - only he can. Your husband has admitted his unhappiness, but has he told you why heís unhappy? If heís frustrated with what heís accomplished in his life and your life together, has he honestly answered himself as to why? Does he just want to move on in the hopes of finding something better without knowing why he feels itís bad in the first place? I ask this because my b/f will not acknowledge to me or his T that his childhood had anything whatsoever to do with his adult decisions and problems. Thatís a gigantic hurdle and I know that until he does that, he canít move onto the next step. Could your husband be fighting the same fight with himself?

You will make the right decisions for yourself, you have to or two lives will be destroyed. You bear no responsibility for what happened to him as a child and from what you write, youíve done nothing but be a good woman, for yourself and for him. Thereís no room for guilt in that scenario. Sadness for lost time yes, but not guilt.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#60558 - 03/15/06 06:55 PM Re: My Marriage was a Lie
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Whoami

Its a bit of a long story. I'll give you a snapshot.

He didn't know if he wanted the relationship, was confusd about his sexuality(had had secret sex with men), had reached the end of his ability to function, had a virtual breakdown really. We had about 3 months apart and only saw each other at couples councelling whilst we worked through the worst of the crisis and made our decisions about whether or not we had a future.

That break was crucial for both of us as was the couples councelling.

Since we decided to be together we've both been seeing a Therapist seperatly as well as a couples councellor for a while and just recently a pschosexual therapist. Most of this is free, we are so lucky.

The biggest thing that has helped us is BOTH acknowledging that we need to change. I just saw his "odd" beahviour, all the external factors eg; work, money, family etc. impacting on our hapiness and now I finally properly see me in all that. Hard but worth it.

Now:

Well we've set a date to get married. He is feeling so much more and I feel listened to and valued coz he doesn't just zone out if I'm cross or sad or raise an issue which needs dealing with. We are both discovering a sense of power in being able to change our lives, I nag less, give him more space, persue my own interests more........its an endless list it seeems because we've chnaged so much but we would not have got there without Therapists and I wouldn't have got to first base without first understanding how a heterosexual man could spend his adult life looking for the oldest most repulsive men he could find and giving them BJ's. I learnt all of that and so much more on this site. I'm endebted.

Your decision will be the right one for you. If you wanted an opinion, I'd say give it a go but obviously thats based on my very personal experince of one.

Believe in yourself.

Love

Tracy


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