I've been feeling really good the past few days. I've learned so much and changed my life (for the good!) completely. The past few mornings however, I wake up very sad and missing my wife. (I have been away from home 8 days and canít go back for 27 more) I am able to sleep through the night because I take Xanax before bed. In the mornings I have been VERY sad and lonely, I cry and go for a walk to the beach where I cry a little more. I am able to pull myself together and function the rest of the day without resorting to my old or new (destructive) coping mechanisms. So I guess what I am experiencing is normal emotions of missing someone you love. But itís a hard way to start the day.
I had a realization in therapy the other day which was very interesting. My old coping mechanisms that I learned as a child was to burry my feelings and emotions, and smoke a lot of pot. When I FINALLY stopped all that 8 weeks ago (I did that for 28 wasted years), my new coping mechanism was to seek Lori's attention and have her "take my pain away". I would seek her attention and when she would give it or was unavailable I would find a way to get it. My therapist said I was looking for someone to take my pain away, I'm not sure if that is so, I do know that she did make me feel better, at least temporally. My therapist would point out that I need to learn to do this on my own.
So my realization was that I wasn't desperately seeking her attention because I was needy or weak or even because I love her and miss her affection. I was using her as my crutch. My new coping mechanism. I do (and have begun to) need to learn to cope on my own.
I was reading in the book "don't sweat the small stuff" that a good way to start your day is to think of someone who you feel grateful for. "Gratitude and inner peace go hand in hand." --Spend a moment each morning to take the time to think of someone in your life you feel great full for. The more genuinely grateful you feel for the gift of life, the more peaceful you will feel inside. The mind can very easily slip into negativity, then we take the people in our life, and life itself for granted. So taking the time in the morning to look at the people in your life for whom you are great full for any reason large or small will help refocus negativity to gratitude and can help us feel the sense of inner peace.--
I usually do this on my morning walk, and I have actually taken this one step further by once a week, expressing that gratitude to that person. The people on the receiving end a very grateful to hear it and respond with warmth in return. Even my therapist smiled and was touched when I told her I was great full for her taking me on again as a patient for my SA issue when I know she was having a difficult time in her life (medical health problems) and was not accepting any new patients. She has made time for me at 8 at night (sometimes twice a week) and then will try to work me in earlier if she has a cancellation. She could have referred me to someone else, and I probably would not have gone.
Thanks for listing and letting me work through my feelings here. I no long have that lonely feeling and will now go for my walk (to the beach !! how nice it is to be here) focus my mind on what I DO have in my life and what I need/want to do today.
Again I am reminded that my life is beautiful because I accept it as it is.