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#60215 - 06/11/04 12:13 AM Distant Friend
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
I was wondering if you guys can give me some advice. I have a friend who's wife is due at any minute but who given me what feels like the brush off. A few months ago I invited him, wife and son to a party. The response went something like. "Unfortantely the next 2-3 months will be very busy. I have a number of projects to complete around the house that need to be completed. I will have little free time to devote to these things once the baby is born. I have to take advantage of this time.
Happy St. Patty. Day Erin Go B"

I do not know if I should contact these people or if I should just leave them alone. I feel like this just another way of being dumped on. Does anyone have having insight into this?

Thanks


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#60216 - 06/11/04 02:28 PM Re: Distant Friend
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
JAAY - if there is an impending child birth coming, its definitely not the brush off. I have had many friends have kids and its like they drop into the twillight zone for awhile.

Its not you - major life events like buying a house, planning a wedding and having a kid (I am current overwhelmed by 2 of these events at this time) just have the capacity to suck you dry. I am feeling that I am abandoning a lot of my single friends right now but there is just so much to do, there is literally more to do than there are hours in a day. I can only imagine what it will be like if/when I have a baby!!!

P


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#60217 - 06/11/04 03:56 PM Re: Distant Friend
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
JAAY,

Sometimes people withdraw from single/childless friends or "adult" friends because they anticipate that these friends will be less interested in their new lives, have less in common with them, not want to work around their new busy schedules, etc. I know that I withdrew from some of my friends after I had children because I felt that they wouldn't "get it" or even want to hear about it-- after all, just because I had to quit staying out late and spending on entertainment, why should they? I was also worried that my friends would not understand and would take it personally that I honestly didn't always have time for them.

If your friend has not given you any other reason to think that he's brushing you off, why not contact him again--or, if he's genuinely too busy to come hang out, but would like to see you, maybe there's something you can do to help him out-- the two of you could take his son out, or you could help him with the stuff he needs to do at home? I always appreciate it when my friends want to do stuff with my family.


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#60218 - 06/11/04 06:59 PM Re: Distant Friend
AB Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/15/03
Posts: 11
Loc: N. America
Hey JAAY-

I wouldn't take this at all personally-as it has been said before with the birth of a new child, it could just be that your friend is feeling a bit stressed and not even thinking about how his actions might affect you. I would give him another call once the baby is born and things have settled down for them. He may just need the time to get used to things and finish the projects that he needs to do. If he is a true friend he would probably love a phone call or the offer of some help around the house with these projects that he needs doing. Don't let it get you down-I didn't talk to one of my best friends for 9 months, but she was still there for me when I really needed her. ( We all just get a bit self-absorbed sometimes!)
Take care-AB

_________________________
AB

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#60219 - 06/11/04 09:54 PM Re: Distant Friend
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
JAAY - personally, I would just try the contact...that would give some sort of answer rather than just stewing over what might be!?

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#60220 - 06/11/04 10:24 PM Re: Distant Friend
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Give them a call, say hi, and ask how her and the baby (if it's been born yet) are doing.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#60221 - 06/13/04 11:50 PM Re: Distant Friend
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Thanks for your insight! I guess I have to learn how to deal with things like this. I think being "healthy selfish" and knowing how to respect the boundaries of your friends is never easy.


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#60222 - 06/14/04 12:02 PM Re: Distant Friend
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Healthy selfish?

Now theres a question, apparently I am still very selfish I was told that originally by both my parents most of my grandparents and my wife continues with this theme.

I wouldnt know healthy selfishness if it had teeth and bit me.

regards
Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
http://waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#60223 - 06/14/04 01:26 PM Re: Distant Friend
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Archnut,

I think JAAY is talking about "healthy selfish" as a way of putting ourselves and our comfort first when we set and stick to our boundaries.

For example, JAAY's friend was being "selfish" by not coming to the party and by making it clear that his social relationships would have to take a backseat to his home and family while he prepared for the birth of a new baby. But his actions are "healthier" than if he'd gone to the party out of obligation, resented the feelings of obligation (which weren't even included in the invitation but were put there by the friend because of his own conflicts), not had a good time, and then not had a chance to do important work around his house. And he communicated his feelings to JAAY clearly and honestly.

I think many of us here have ended up in places we didn't really want to be because we didn't want to put ourselves first, from an extra shift at work to Christmas with the inlaws. This comes from feeling (being taught) that your needs are not as important as the needs of other people around you, that what you want doesn't matter as much as what everyone else wants. And I think some people counteract this feeling by blocking out the wants and needs of others entirely so that they never have to feel unimportant or "less than"... which would probably lead to selfish behavior but in an unhealthier way, since the underlying feeling of unimportance is still at the bottom of it.

Maybe someone with more training could put this more clearly for you?

take care,
SAR


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