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#60078 - 02/08/06 03:49 AM How could I not see?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Years ago, over 3, my b/f and I were out one night and talking about stuff we did as kids. He was telling me about racing go carts down the big hill of a street he lived on. We were laughing and joking and he asked me if I wanted to see it. I said sure, take me to your hill. I knew he hadn't been back to the house he grew up in since the day he left it almost 30 years before, but at the time I didn't know the full story. We went there and he pointed out the house; he was a little quiet but I didn't pay much attention because I was too busy laughing at his "hill" which was little more than a slope. We laughed together at how big it looked to him as a kid and I told him about my great sleigh riding "mountain" when I was a kid which was barely a hill. I remembered it as a fun and silly night.

Then, I read about John and Darryl and Dwayne going back. I've been following the threads on the public and member sides but until tonight, it didn't occur to me what my b/f must have been feeling that night. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out over the stress and trauma and fear he must have felt. He parents were still alive then and could have walked out of the house at any moment. Why didn't I see the strain he must have been under? How could I have been so out of touch with the man who was sitting 2 feet from me?

I wonder if he wanted to tell me that night. Is that why he brought me there? If he did, then I disappointed him greatly because I just didn't see. God I feel so awful and so sad. I failed him so miserably that night, just as many others failed him when he was growing up. What a jackass! I'll apologize when the time is right - I owe him that.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#60079 - 02/08/06 01:40 PM Re: How could I not see?
TX_Space Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 163
Loc: Texas
Trish,
What if he wasn't trying to tell you anything? What if he took you there because it was an important place to him as a child? Yes, he probably felt afraid of going back there. But, just maybe he did it because he loved you enough to let you in on some happiness he felt as a kid. I understand your emotions and you could be completely on point but don't overlay what you know NOW on what happened then. Looking at the past with today's eyes can be a dangerous combination for the old crazy-maker!!

I hope this isn't too harsh. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings. BUT, until recently, you remembered that night fondly, right? Keep that memory because that is the core of the truth. He loved you and took you to a place where he had GOOD memories as a child.

(((((((Trish)))))))--you are an amazing woman! Your advice is always so comforting. AND, your humor has lightened MANY threads. God bless you and help you be at peace.

tx_space


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#60080 - 02/08/06 01:54 PM Re: How could I not see?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Your bf took you to this place because he wanted to show you a bit of his childhood. He knew the house would be there and that perhaps he would see his parents. But he took you all the same.

I think it's great you enjoyed the "hill" ( \:\) ) so much and could share a happy moment of his childhood with him. He does need that, and so do you.

As TX says, there may have been no problem at all and hence nothing for you to help him through. He knows you are there for him, but a lot of these issues even a T would have difficulty figuring out.

He needs you as a source of love, companionship and support, but for that you need to be able to feel at ease to be Trish. If there are things you miss from time to time, it's no fault of yours and I doubt that he would blame you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#60081 - 02/08/06 03:46 PM Re: How could I not see?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
TX and Larry,

Thanks guys. You may be right so for now, I'll choose to just remember that night on it's face value. We did have alot of fun.

It's funny, he realized just as much as I did that his "hill" was barely a slope and that the perceptions of children and adults are so totally different. We talked about that for several minutes because I had a very similar memory that was blown away as an adult when I told my neice and nephew that I would take them sleigh riding on Deadman's Hill behind Shepard School. When we got there, I laughed my butt off thinking how scared I was to sleigh down it when I was a kid. My hill was pretty pathetic. \:D but it did hold alot of good memories.

Maybe the next time we speak, I'll bring up that night simply in that context. Perhaps something will get through. But maybe not, I'll see.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#60082 - 02/08/06 07:26 PM Re: How could I not see?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

I think you hit on a great way to leave an opening for him to raise the subject if he wants to. Just recall how different the perspective of a child is from that of an adult, and that adults need to understand this about themselves - or something like that.

I had a great experience in this area when I first had kids of my own and started taking them to school and reading to them before their classes began. All the desks and chairs were so little! In a way it stunned me to see that, though of course I could immediately see the sense to it and laugh over it.

There is an interesting lesson here I think.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#60083 - 02/08/06 09:58 PM Re: How could I not see?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
(((Trish))))

you did all the right things from what I can see.

"I wonder if he wanted to tell me that night. Is that why he brought me there? If he did, then I disappointed him greatly because I just didn't see".

You did see, you shared youre experiences, he shared his.

You dont need to show it, from my angle he loved you to just be part of it, like he loved being were things were fun.

Dont blame yourself, you are cool and understanding, thats all he needed,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#60084 - 02/08/06 10:07 PM Re: How could I not see?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Here is my own analogy of this event.
I was lucky that a lot of my childhood was happy.
I have vivid memories throughout this period, which gives me strength.

I remember me laying in the grass with the girls, maybe I was 8 or 9, it was magic to shine a buttercup under all of the girls chins, saying that if it shone yellow, you loved me.

A timeless experience in my life.
It shows that he was taking you back to a time where there was sadness but much joy.

You shared that joy with him which should bond you closer, so there is no need to apologise to him.
Just tell him how much you enjoyed being there on that special occasion,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#60085 - 02/08/06 10:19 PM Re: How could I not see?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
You guys are so awesome.

Maybe I over-analyze too much, that's a great danger when first starting down this path. I'll reign it in and just enjoy the good things for what they are - good things.

Thank you.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#60086 - 02/08/06 11:33 PM Re: How could I not see?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
There is only one thing I can think of on this issue, and that is trust.

That is the key to your relationship, nothing else, believe me,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#60087 - 02/09/06 01:54 AM Re: How could I not see?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Trish
that was a good memory, so keep it that way.

We pick our own to disclose, and maybe he thought that was going to be the right time, but it turned out different.

I did that many times, I wanted to disclose for many years and we even went to the school one day when it was an empty and abandoned mansion long after the school had closed.

Enjoy the vision of kids racing soap box carts, we thought we were world champion racing drivers and loved every minute of it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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