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#59999 - 05/28/04 06:29 PM I am at the end of my rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
My Husband and I have been married one year. I am 5 1/2 months pregnant and my husband has become the emotionally abusive mother he always complains about. He started EMDR, then the therapist said he wasn't ready for it. Ok, understood. He then went away to the survivors weekend in Canada. He says it went well. BUT he barely speaks to me except to criticize and belittle. He yells at me about money all the time. We are living with my parents so we can put away money and buy a house. He spends an obscene amount of money on therapy and meds and things for his well being, but if I buy myself lunch because I am having a really bad hunger day (afterall I am pregnant), he throws a fit. I have a great job and make enough money that lunch should not be an issue. Now he has stopped wanting to buy a house and just stay at my parents until ALL our debts are paid. This is just not realistic. It is unfair to live off of my parents for that long, because he is afraid of comitting to the debt of a home. My mother says we are welcome to stay "as long as we need to", but in reality she is already giving hints to move out. My mother is horribly co-dependant. Now I am living in a house with a co-dependant (my mother) and a survivor/my abuser (my husband).

My husbad keeps saying this is a phase and for me to give him time, but he is distroying me emotionally in the mean time. He treats me like the pregnancy is "just an excuse" for me arguing with him about the way I am treated and I should just get over it. He has no conception of reality and is in denial about his own behavior. I atleast know that I am unstable. Please, Please, I don't know how to get through to him..... I don't know how to show him how much this is all hurting me. He says one thing, then does another....

Why am I blamed for everything? He has told me several times over the last several days since he has been home from the retreat that he realized that he is projecting his mother onto me. Great!! He admits it, but doesn't change. Any suggestions? What do I do? Take the abuse and excuse it because he was abused OR call him on it because he is an adult and shouldn't be repeating his mother's behavior.

I told him not to come home tonight. Was I wrong?

I didn't know where to turn. Please help!


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#60000 - 05/29/04 06:18 AM Re: I am at the end of my rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mrsunshineguy Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hi Thorns,

Just mho,

You can only have one #1 priority. And it is NOT him or his problems. You are pregnant and that has to be your priority. Keep your stress low, get the food you need. Get proper exercise. And avoid dealing with his stuff, it really is not your problem.

The reason his problems are called his problems, is because they are HIS -- not yours. Get physical, separate distance from him if he cannot accept that you both have a higher responsibility to the baby.

Both my girlfriend and I are survivors, we met in recovery, went to therapy together, and we have a two-year-old. ? I am telling you this because she is about 5 to 6 months pregnant, too. Lately, her dad (perp) was getting weird, and wanting to get together to "talk" about their "problems." Her Step-mom is manipulating behind the scenes and is curious about just why it is that my girlfriend and her dad are not close.

Step-mom was trying "ambush" discussions about child-abuse with my girlfriend, and her dad wants my girlfriend to cover for him, and is trying to manipulate her into playing everything is fine for the step-mom. So my girlfriend cut him off (called boundaries) until after the new baby is born. She sent a letter to the both of them telling them that she does not need the stress, and to not contact us, and that I would call them after the new baby is born. If they could not accept that, she would cut them until they could behave.

(in case you can't tell, I really admire her \:\) )

I do not know if our example is helpful to you, but the point is you need to take care of you and the baby first. He is a survivor . . . he will survive just fine without dumping on you.

And from the survivor side of this -- recovery makes everyone a little crazy. That is OK and normal -- just don't get or let you be in the path. You are not his therapist, and it sounds like you are the most sane person in the house. Don't put up with his crazy crap.

See you,

Sunshine


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#60001 - 05/29/04 08:25 PM Re: I am at the end of my rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi there

I am sorry that you and your husband are struggling right now. Not too long ago I could have been writing the post you've made... I know it's a pretty lonely and desparate place to be. But now we have two lovely kids and a place of our own and we hurt each other a lot less, it takes a lot of work and we're still working, but it's all worth it. No one here can really tell you if what you do/ how you feel is wrong or right. But I can tell you a few things from my own experience.

Pregnancy is very hard on a relationship. You're both entitled to feel stressed, tired, worried about the future, etc. right now. Your pregnancy is the REASON for that, not an excuse for it. Do whatever you can to make sure that everyone around you is giving you what you need-- but at the same time, make sure that everyone around your husband is giving him the chance to feel what he feels about your pregnancy.

I think a lot of fathers-to-be freak out during their wives' pregnancies just because there isn't a lot of vocabulary in our society for the emotions they have during this time-- and for a survivor who's already guilty and anxious about sex and relationships, to see his wife going through so much, not to mention all the emotions regarding the baby... I can see where communication between the two of you might be difficult right now.

In general I think that when you're dealing with stress from major life events (baby, moving, work, etc), it helps just to recognize that the stress is real and not much fun, but the cause of the stress is something positive that represents good in your life.

Speaking of putting a positive spin on things:
Quote:
He has told me several times over the last several days since he has been home from the retreat that he realized that he is projecting his mother onto me.
I know that, especially if you've felt this for some time, it might not seem like a big deal for him to say this until you really start seeing some change, but I will tell you, if my boyfriend came home, sat me down, and said that, I would be thrilled. Your husband must love and trust you a lot, because a lot of men might have decided to keep that realization quiet and just tried to work on it without ever opening themselves up to the humiliation of acknowledging what they've been doing wrong.

As for him actually changing, it IS unfair to you, but if he just realized what it is that he needs to focus on in the first place, he probably will need to learn how to fix it, and learning new things takes time. There isn't much you can do to change that time frame, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with abuse either. It sounds like you both need to think about and communicate your expectations for each other--and excusing or putting up with abuse shouldn't figure in there at all.

take care
SAR


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#60002 - 05/31/04 05:31 PM Re: I am at the end of my rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by SAR:
Hi there

I am sorry that you and your husband are struggling right now. Not too long ago I could have been writing the post you've made... I know it's a pretty lonely and desparate place to be.
Whoo this sounds like my relationship. I swear you could be writing about me and my partner... I have much more of this shit than the sexual acting out part of dealing with SA... the only differnece between your situation and mine is that I'm not even pregnant. I have the same "wounded child - mom projection" shit put on me a lot of the time. It gets to be pretty damn unbearable at times - about 50 % of the time my relatoinship is like this.

You have to be aware that throwing a fit and total criticism from your hustband is NOT acceptable behaviour, no matter what he says, no matter what excuse he gives. It is WRONG and inappropriate in an intimate relationship to treat someone like that.

When it gets too much for me, from time to time I have to steady myself, strengthen my spine and and "lay down the law" and state my boundaries. I have to tell him what is acceptable and what is not and what I will and will not put up with. I tell him that certain behaviour is hurting me. I have even distanced myself from him (easier said than done now that we live together).

I have even told him on several occasions that I do not and will not put up with having the anger he should be venting at his mother and his perp directed towards me becuase I DID NOT DO ANYTHING to him. As recently as Friday night we were in this shit too - I even hinted at calling off the wedding and selling our house.. it was that bad. Unfortunately it takes a BIG BIG BIG (did I say big) *&(*& message for him to CLUE IN that he is really doing things that are hurting me. You dont want to get into an escalating threat war though - be careful about what you say you will do if he does not stop, becuase you will have to put your money where your mouth is if he refuses to stop his inappropriate behaviour.

What I am learning is really at the heart of my relationship issues is that my partner still is looking for someone to redeem him, to "save" him, to protect him, maybe he finally wants someone to save him from the man who molested him... so he looks to me to do that for him. It always baffles me when he does this he puts responsiblity for his emotional "reality" onto me and then gets mad at me for not "taking care of him". A lot of time he doenst even know he is doing this. It baffles me because he is allowing himself to be oh so vulnerable again - you'd think that after allowing himself to be vulnerable, and then someone taking advantage of him so badly as to sexually abuse him he'd have learned this was not a safe thing to do - I dont know why he can't see what he is doing!

I dont have all that much advice on how to resolve this - as I am in the same situation. If I had advice for you then probably I'd have resolved my own situation. All i can say is take care of yourself, use the experience to get stronger and lean on yourself, to not hesitate to set FIRM boundaries and also find support from others when you can find it. It must be hard when you are also pregnant - I bet you were counting on being able to lean on your husband for support after all you two are theoretically supposed to be in this thing (pregnancy, marriage) together. Unfortunately I am learning that there are some really painful, lonely times in marriages (or marriages to be) and that you really do have to rely on yourself.. and be as self reliant as you can possibly be - married or not.

The good news though is that your partner is in therapy and not doing NOTHING - so you have to rest assured that things wont always be this way.. thats what I am telling myself anyhow, that my situation will change for the better, eventually. It is hard though - I feel too like each time it happens it chips a little more away at my soul and even into how I feel about him - sometimes it gets so bad that I dont know how much more I can take either.

I dont think you did anything wrong about telling him not to come home - when you do see him again you will have some explaining to do though.. but if you can manage to explain where you are coming from, that you BOTH have needs that have to be met here then I think you will be on the right track. I hope that this will be a lesson for him that he has pushed things too far. Unfortunatley in my own relationship too I have to resort to some pretty freeekin BIG clues that he's pushed things WAAY too far before he clues in that he's treading on some pretty dangerous terrain!!

P


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#60003 - 05/31/04 06:37 PM Re: I am at the end of my rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Nobody deserves that sort of crap, and I also think that a Survivor who uses abuse as an excuse for dealing large amount of crap to others still has some serious work to do.

I've dealt my fair share of crap in the past, not something I'm proud of or want to do again, but ,y wife takes very little crap from me, never has done.
So I got reined in pretty sharpish, and I think it worked for me. I needed strong boundaries, and I needed the threat of 'action' - and the certainty that she would take that action - to focus me on what I should be doing. Healing myself.

For a few years my wife took over many things in our lives and basically organized me and took control, leaving me to concentrate on my therapy and healing. That way we didn't have so many day to day things to argue about, or me to lose control over.
Maybe not the most realistic scenario for you at this time, but I genuinly felt unable to cope with anything other than myself for a long time.

I felt that way before disclosing and getting help to a great degree, but I didn't why back then. I just felt barely able to cope all the time and relied on my wife for most things anyway. But once I started my healing I became so overwhelmed with new 'stuff' that the few things I did in the marriage just had to go. Now I do my share, and I do it gladly and with some confidence. But for a while there I was ultra dependant.

But having said all that in the defence of a fellow Survivor, your priority is YOU and your BABY.
There is no way you should be dragged down because of another persons actions, firstly because it wrong, and secondly you will be unable to help him, and your baby, if you're a wreck yourself.

I feel you have some tough boundaries to set, but I also feel that one day he'll thank you for it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#60004 - 06/07/04 02:11 PM Re: I am at the end of my rope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 668
I want to Thank all of you for your replies. My husband sat with me to read my post and the responses and it really hit hard. He didn't realize his own behavior. He was ashamed and scared. We are now working through this time together. But thanks for the supportive words and reminders to take care of myself and the baby.


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