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#59950 - 02/01/06 10:07 AM we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
BlueBoys_Mama Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 10
Loc: Winnipeg
My son is 3 and a half.I'm going to call him Blue for his own safety and well being.This is our story I love Blue like I never knew I could love he is my angel.I desided to Marry Blues father as I was very young and had no means to support myself.I thought it was what was right I know now that I wrong but I never thought he would hurt Blue. He hurt me I was raped and beaten many many times. Blue saw me being beaten a few times.All I wanted was for him to have a family so I tried to hide it from Blue and everyone I knew.By the time I saw how bad things were I was trapped.

I dident know what to do but one day many bad things happend I ended up with a black eye the police were called me and Blue got away from him and I got the shock of my life.

Blue had a doll I had given him for Christmas named Conrad. As soon as Blue got the doll he started to project himself on to it. Nothing ever happend to Blue it always happend to Conrad. It seemed to make him much happier.The night Blues father was taken away Blue had bruses on his bum and legs and a bruse in the shape of his fathers ring on his eye. I dident notice these things until later I had been out looking for work and as soon as I came home things fell apart after my husband had been chased out of the apartment by a roommate. I took a good look at Blue who was still sleeping and I saw it all. when Blue woke up I talked to him about the Bruses. Blue was only 2 and a half at the time but he could speak very well and when I asked him how he got these bruses he told me a story about what happend to Conrad. I'll spare you all the details but my 2 year old son discribed in detail things that no child should have to and that no child should know.

When the police arrived they wouldent listen they said I had no evidence and that Blue was to young to be a reliable witness. They charged my husband with domestic assault on me and I called Social Sevices on my huband. There was also some one who Anonamosly called to report my son had been raped by my husband. They looked in to it but closed the case as inconclusive. I felt very lost in the system.

We've since moved on as much as one can I am getting remarried and Blue is very happy and healthy. coustody hearing are coming up soon though and I feel sick about it. My soon to be new husband is trying to adopt Blue.

Here is where I need help Blues still very young
I dont know what to say or what to do at this point or later therapist say he seems fine. I've tried everything I can but what I really want to know when he asks when he needs some one to talk to down the line what should I say? What would you have wanted to hear?

Bless you all

Mama


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#59951 - 02/01/06 06:27 PM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Mama - I'm sorry to hear of your plight with domestic violence but partcularly childhood sexual abuse (CSA) on Blue. Although he is young, he needs to be assessed by a therapist who specializes in assessing and treating child/ adolescent sexual trauma. You can find out about these therapists in the phonebook, asking therapist's questions, calling a local help line, etc. Sometimes the child is not ready for treatment now and the assessment would show that. Sometuimes these survivors aren't ready until they're 8-10 or perhaps entering junior high school. Be prepareed to keep a close eye on Blue over the years for common symptoms. Be assured, these traumas don't usually fade with time but come out later in acting out behaviors [i.e. anger issues, drugs & alcohol, eating issues, control and trust issues, etc.]. Important is to use a therapist who does treat children & teens with reactions to CSA. You may find some answers to your questions at the following web-site:
http://www.miltonmentalhealthservices.com
Don't panic or get overly concerned...your calm demeanor will help Blue approach this traums calmly. 1 out of every 5 boys will experience childhood sexual abuse by the age of 18!
You are welcome here and I encourage you to post here in the Family and Friends Forum. I know others on here have helped their sons deal and cope with this type of abuse!! We're here to help and support!!!

Howard/ScottyTodd

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#59952 - 02/01/06 06:34 PM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mama,

Just adding to what Scotty Todd has said, in this period before Blue is able to relate to and talk about what happened to him, it is essential that he feel he is wanted, loved, and worthwhile. When he begins dealing with his issues all these feelings about himself are likely to be challenged.

It will give him such a great start if he can look back on his earlier years and see the proof of how important he is to you and how safe you are making him. This will help him to summon up the strength and trust he will need in order to face the darker side of things.

You are so right to be thinking of what he will need to hear later on. When I was being abused (age 11-14) what I needed to hear was that I wasn't alone, that I was lovable and not dirty and worthless, that I was important and that it was a good thing to be me. Blue will need all of that and more, but so much of it isn't verbal. Kids are curious and eagle-eyed about these things. He will pick up on all the signals he gets from you.

I would also BEG you to keep the channels of communication open at all times. Make sure he knows that he will be listened to and believed when he talks, and that you will not be angry or ashamed of him. He will feel it was all his fault, so he needs to know that if he talks he will hear that this is not true.

(Edited to add that I hope you carry on with us here. This is a terrible thing for a parent to face and participating in our discussions ought to help you quite a lot. The Friends and Family Forum is active and full of caring and support.)

This is a big challenge for you and your future husband, but it is such a great start that you are looking at all this seriously at such an early point.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59953 - 02/01/06 06:55 PM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
Mama,

Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you have many things to work through, not only your son's abuse but your own physical abuse. You need to take care of yourself so you can be in a healthy fram of mine to help your son.

When he asks. Tell him he is not alone. There are many supportive people who can relate to what he has experienced. There are books, conferences, weekend retreats, and support groups. Tell him that as long as he keeps fighting to move forward on the path of recovery (getting better), that everything will get better for him. Tell him you love him and you'll be there for him no matter what, that you'll do everything possible to be there, that you'll fight through hell for him ... and most importantly you must keep your word.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#59954 - 02/01/06 09:08 PM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
BlueBoys_Mama Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 10
Loc: Winnipeg
Thank you all so much for responding.* hugz*
there were tears in my eye when I saw that people had written back. Its that first time I've reached out to talk about this is other victims. I'm so sorry for all your pain my heart reachs out to all of you.I've never been to therapy my self for this. Though i was in therapy for my own molestation years back. I've been through allot in my life but i know i'm a good person and i dident cause these things to happen to me or to Blue. I still have bad days where I blame myself. Think that i could have stoped it all if i'd just.....
but i couldent and I just have to think awhile before it comes back to me that i can't change the past for me or for Blue but I can provide us with a much better future. Then I turn on some Music and me and Blue dance and sing and talk.

its all a work in progress one that will never end
but its a happier picture now

Mama


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#59955 - 02/02/06 12:42 AM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
What you do today ... right now ... is all that matters

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#59956 - 02/02/06 01:34 AM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Mama,

Congratulations to you for standing up for yourself and your son! You are one brave woman to take the steps needed to get yourself out of that terrible situation. What your ex did was never your fault.

It sounds like you are doing just right for Blue now by keeping positive and focused on the future. When he comes to you later with tough questions, I bet it will feel really good to tell him that you listened to him, got him out of there and kept him safe.

I hope you stick around and get some support here, you need it too! I believe that some of the other moms here have experience with the courts etc. that may help you.

SAR


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#59957 - 02/02/06 10:49 AM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mama,

I was moved by your last post above. Just remember that just as Blue isn't alone with his problems neither are you. You will get a lot of support and understanding here - just talk about what bothers you and how you feel.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59958 - 02/03/06 10:25 AM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mama,

I thought you might benefit from having some indications of what sorts of resources there are for a young boy trying to cope with abuse. All of these books will be of use only later, when Blue is a bit older, but maybe it will interest you to see what is available and how specialists approach the difficult task of communicating to a young boy about sexual abuse.

Patricia Kehoe. Something Happened and I'm Scared to Tell: a Book for Young Victims of Abuse. 1987. A friendly lion helps a kid (not identifiably a boy or girl, just a kid) talk about what happened. Some people like the book, while others say itís out of date and can confuse kids. That is, the issue isnít how to disclose to a furry lion, and so on. I personally thought itís wonderful and very reassuring to a child. The message comes across very clearly that what happened isnít his fault and he should talk about it.

Cornelia Spelman. Your Body Belongs to You. 2000. This book might be helpful to you as Blueís mother because it will put you in his frame of mind Ė how do things look to him? It stresses: 1) your body belongs to you, 2) it's okay if you don't want to be touched, 3) what to do if you don't want to be touched, 4) your "private parts" are the parts of your body that are covered by a bathing suit, 5) you shouldn't keep a "touching" secret. All of these issues will be things he will be worrying about later on.

Karen Johnsen. The Trouble with Secrets. 1986. I consider this to be an outdated and possibly harmful book, because it mainly stresses how kids should watch out for strangers when in fact most kids are abused by people they know.

Linda Gerard and Rodney Pate. My Body is Private. 1992. Okay in general, but possibly confusing to Blue. Itís about a mother talking to her daughter, so the message to a boy could be that what happened to him isnít abuse because he isn't a girl.

I would recommend the first two to you enthusiastically, but maybe if one of the moderators has a better suggestion they will say so. I mention the latter two books only to indicate that some books can be counterproductive, or at least not appropriate to a boy survivor.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59959 - 02/06/06 10:23 AM Re: we're new ( our story) plz help us..long
BJH Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6
Loc: Washington
Mama,
I have a son sleeping now... my heart breaks for you as only another mother's can. But children are very resilient.

I want only to reiterate that you should seek counselling as well- Blue will follow your pattern. See a therapist at least once a year and let him KNOW it's OKAY to talk to people. Your actions will do more to keep communication open than words alone.

My husband is still recovering from his abuse. His mother was an alcoholic for too long; he's not had proper recovery yet, and it's been nearly 20 years. But I'm the first supportive person my husband has had... and I need counselling in order to support him!

Just be sure to build lots of happy memories for your son. That's a parents primary job.

~B

_________________________
Love what you do
- My Great Uncle Benny

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