Newest Members
mossTI, E35, 1975, Lucy, StacyR
12337 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Who's Online
2 registered (Vedder32, 1 invisible), 14 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12337 Members
74 Forums
63420 Topics
443378 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 4 < 1 2 3 4
Topic Options
#59901 - 01/30/06 09:09 AM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Just wanted to add to Dave and SAR's post that in my boyfriend's case it was him who actually decided that he would finally take care of himself, look into his needs.That is how he started the healing process. That was the first decision he took towards healing though it seemed subconscious at the time. My boyfriend would have never before stopped and looked inside himself. He was too much focused outwards, towards people, trying always to help and satisfy others but when it was about him...nothing. Maybe too scared to look, too lonely, too lost...

Once this happened he needed all the time and attention in the world. For someone who has never done it before I expected it was going to be very confusing and difficult for both of us. This seemed "selfish" so many times to me in many ways but I just knew that it would be necessary for him in order to get to the root of his fears and traumas. I was sure that I would have to "forget" about my needs and put his needs first for a wee while. I was up for the challenge, for the sacrifice if you like. His commitment (as mentioned before in this thread) was the driven force that made me be there for him without any doubt.

I must say that he found his way in and out himself, discover many things in the process and came back out sure of who he was and what he wanted in his life. He faced his own demons and he claimed his personality back. In other words he separated the abuse so that he could deal with it and realized that not everything in his personaliy, in his life, in his world was because of the abuse but pretty much the opposite. As for me, even in the worst moments, I'd try to make it as smooth as I could for him. I still remember quite clear the days that he used to say that he wanted to dissapear and go away for good to an unknown town somewhere and start again from scratch without all the past, without me. We were totally in love. I knew it was that he was scared to move forward, it was too much for him at the time. I knew it was not that he did not love me. So I did not panic. I said Iwould help him to go away if that was what he needed to do but I made clear that he could run away from me and his current situation at the time but he could not run away from himself. He was so surprised that I'd let him go ...in agood way because that meant that I was not thinking about my needs but his needs, although I knew he'd finally find the courage and fight for himself. Just as he did...

An important reason why he never took the time to look inside was the fear that he would push people away bothering them with his problems. SA is not something that everybody could understand or even talk about ...unfortunately.

I must confess that at times was very difficult for me to put his needs first. For a while not sharing my concerns and fears about him with him was very hard but I decided I'd do it with my mum or my friends never with him. This way he could focus on himself...ONLY

This was very important in his healing. Good thing is that he has always appreciated that I left other things aside and let him occupy the space he needed. He still thanks me for that and I still thank him for having the courage and taking the step to face the abuse...

This has not only helped us in the progression of recovery but has definetely reinforced our relationship in many ways .... and has made it much stronger :-)
H


Top
#59902 - 02/03/06 10:08 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Rayne Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 23
Thanks all. After this weekend, I started feeling a bit "stupid", for posting last week. Or I guess the better word is embarrased. I don't know, I was desperate when I posted, and for some reason, I started thinking that I would be laughed at, that somebody would know me and I would be shamed. But I am glad I looked back and realized that it was all in my head. You are the best bunch of people.

Rivera, I can relate to your last post. You wrote:

Quote:
Originally posted by riviera:
I still remember quite clear the days that he used to say that he wanted to dissapear and go away for good to an unknown town somewhere and start again from scratch without all the past, without me. We were totally in love. I knew it was that he was scared to move forward, it was too much for him at the time. I knew it was not that he did not love me. So I did not panic. I said Iwould help him to go away if that was what he needed to do but I made clear that he could run away from me and his current situation at the time but he could not run away from himself. He was so surprised that I'd let him go ...in agood way because that meant that I was not thinking about my needs but his needs, although I knew he'd finally find the courage and fight for himself. Just as he did...

H [/QB]
Do you know that is what my husband wants to do? He said he wants to leave, start fresh, but he does want me with him. I told him that we could go wherever he wanted to go, but he has to get the help first. You are right... you can run, but you can't hide from yourself. I still don't know if we will move, but at least he will still be getting help.

Love you guys......

Rayne

_________________________
Rayne

Top
#59903 - 02/04/06 06:53 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rayne,

Got something to throw out to you....Catch! \:\)

Quote:
After this weekend, I started feeling a bit "stupid", for posting last week. Or I guess the better word is embarrased. I don't know, I was desperate when I posted, and for some reason, I started thinking that I would be laughed at, that somebody would know me and I would be shamed. But I am glad I looked back and realized that it was all in my head.
I think a lot of people think like that when they start out dealing with the heavy issues that sexual abuse involves.

If you look closely, you will see that you are talking about your initial feelings concerning the group here. Sure, they are in your head, but I firmly believe we have to take a more positive approach to our feelings.

Don't dismiss them because you think they are bad or misleading. They are signals flagging an area YOU need to work on. "I am new here. I feel insecure. Will I be believed?" That set of feelings got dealt with pretty fast, but others will be tougher to crack. But the point is you CAN do it! I would say honor your feelings and work with them. That in itself will help you deal with them and not get overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

On the other hand, remember that feelings are one thing and the truth they convey is another. "I feel ashamed", okay, that's a feeling: work with it and see what can be done to address that feeling of shame. But don't allow it to trick you into accepting the conclusion "I am a shameful woman".

Just some thoughts from a guy with too much free time on a Saturday evening in cold foggy Germany.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
Page 4 of 4 < 1 2 3 4


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.