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#59871 - 01/25/06 05:11 PM (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Rayne Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 23
Before we got married, my husband told me that he was abused, but never gave me any specifics, as it was too painful for him. Basically, he has never received help for this. Things were fine before we got married and even right after, but as time went on, he became more depressed and withdrawn. I held back from bringing up the topic b/c he just could not talk about it. The dr. even put him on anti-depressants, for which he never really responded to, and refused to go to a psychiatrist. Anyway, fast forward to a month or so ago, I started school, so we broke down and bought a computer. The first day we got the internet up, I noticed that my husband had visited a gay porn web site. My heart dropped, as I always had this "intuition" that he might be struggling with some sexuality issues. I just shrugged it off thinking that all men are interested in porn. Anyway, I still became curious, and I noticed that when I would go to the internet history, he had cleared it out every time. So, this was a clear indication that he was hiding something.

Of course, I never thought he acted on anything, because we were ALWAYS together. We commute together, we do things together on the weekends, pretty much 99.9 percent of the time. We even went to lunch together practically every day, since we worked only a few bocks away. The last week of the year and the first week of the new year, I was extrememly busy at work, so we had not been going together to lunch. He stated he was busy too, so I thought nothing of it. Then, lately, he was always busy during lunch. He never missed lunch with me unless it was really important. And we we went for a doctor's visit last week, he asked for an HIV test. The last time this was an issue was before we got married and it was clean, so even though he said he wanted to check it out again because it was a "retrovirus", still did not sit well with me. Anyway, I just had a hunch that something was not right. I downloaded this program that would track keystrokes on the internet the other day. To make a long story short, I found out that he had several e-mail accounts stating he was a "represed bi-sexual tired of having sex with his wife" and he was using it to "hook-up" with other men during lunch. It was never a "regular", just different men every day. I broke down at work and everyone was concerened about me. I just tried to make them beleive that I had lost a loved one in death. I can't express the emptiness I felt. I cry and cry, and I feel hollow inside.

Anyway, I did not come out completely and confront him, eventually it came out. He started crying and he told me the whole story of his background, how his brother abused him for years growing up. How his parents would never give him a separate room and the abusive brother that always called him "gay", so he just grew up with such guilt and confusion. He cried all night and asked for my forgiveness and he was willing to get help.

I don't know what to do. I feel so SORRY for him, my heart bleeds that he is in so much pain, but at the same time, I can't see past my own pain. He is afraid that I will leave him, and I told him that I will stay to help him, but I know that if he keeps it up, I can't be with him. What should I do? Is he really gay, and if he is, why would I stay? I can't stop the tears. I stayed home from work because I am so depressed.

_________________________
Rayne

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#59872 - 01/25/06 06:34 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Rayne,

I'm so sorry. Your hurt and the depth of your pain comes through in your words; I wish I could just hold you and let you cry. A virtual hug is the best I can do {{{{{Rayne}}}}}. Don't try to stop the tears, you are entitled to them for what your are going through.

I don't know if your husband is gay or not. If he is, the abuse didn't make him that way, but it sure as hell confused the hell out of him. That happens a lot as you'll see from reading past posts and the ones that will come your way.

It's admirable that you said you would stay to help him, but right now you need to allow yourself time to heal from the pain he has put you through and the possible danger he obviously thought he placed you in. You sound like a loving, caring woman. Turn some of what you give others to yourself right now. That's not selfish, it's what you need.

Now that your husband has been confronted with the reality that you know how his past has messed him up he will hopefully follow through and get the help he needs and deserves. Unfortunately, he has dragged you into his circle of suffering. You need help to get through this just as he does.

The fact that you're here is a good thing, for both of you.

Stay strong, but let the tears flow; they aren't weak, they are simply an expression of pain.

I'll be thinking of you today.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59873 - 01/25/06 07:21 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rayne,

Like Trish I am so sorry to see you in this terrible situation. Both you and your husband have now been hurt by the abusing brother.

I think it's quite common for a survivor to find himself in total confusion and pain about his sexuality as a result of the abuse he suffered. As children we are so often led by abusers to think that we wanted the abuse, that we liked it, that we were willing participants, and so on. Even without this, an abused boy will frequently blame himself for what is happening and conclude that everything is his fault. If a boy passes on to adulthood without the opportunity to seek help and resolve all these conflicts, the consequences can be shattering for himself and those he loves.

Your husband desperately needs not just medication for depression but also therapy. This will give him the expert support and guidance he needs to work his way through his problems. The task of recovery is just NOT a do-it-yourself project, so it is a good start if he is saying he is willing to seek help.

That said, and just to back up Trish here, also look out for yourself. Your husband is acting out his abuse issues in a way that places both himself and you in danger. Your right to happiness and fulfillment is not less than his, and the fact that he is an abuse survivor doesn't change that fact.

You might want to consider seeking professional help as well. Basically, you need to decide what your boundaries are and under what terms you are willing to continue with him. Once that is clear in your mind then he needs to know that you mean business. I hate to be alarmist, but if he is seeking HIV tests then his acting out is really just about as irresponsible and dangerous as it gets. It may be that he is so despondent that he doesn't care what happens to him. That kind of self-destructive thinking is already bad enough, but the further problem is that it can drag you down with him.

I really hope you will continue to post and talk here. A lot of people will understand you and try to help you cope with this terrible situation. My heart goes out to you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59874 - 01/25/06 07:50 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Rayne Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 23
Thanks all for your kind words. What type of professional should I look for? Before this whole revelation, I made an appointment for him with a psychiatrist(general), but now I am thinking should I get one that specializes in sex addition?

I would NEVER in a million years would have thought that I would be dealing with this. By the way, my husband does not know that i have seen his personal ads. Should I make him take it off, or will that just make him open a new one under another alias?

_________________________
Rayne

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#59875 - 01/25/06 07:57 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rayne,

I would start by seeing your GP and see what advice you get. What you need and what your husband needs will be very different.

I don't think it would be amiss to demand that your husband remove his personal ads. That is surely a commitment he can be expected to make if he wants to save his relationship with you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59876 - 01/25/06 08:53 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Rayne,

As Larry said, your GP is a good first step. I doubt that your husband needs someone specializing in sex addiction, at least not at this point, but someone who specializes in dealing with adults who have suffered from childhood sexual abuse will be the guy/woman to go to.

Definately demand that he remove the personal ads. You have every right to do this and he has every obligation to do it if the two of you are to stand a chance together. Bad behavior is bad behavior, no matter what the cause and it needs to be changed if things are ever going to improve.

I had an issue with my b/f when I found out that the ad he had posted years ago was still up and active. I told him I wanted it gone. This was before the shit hit the fan. He assured me he would remove it and he did, but sure enough, he opened up another profile. I found out about that one after things blew up. It's definately something you need to be aware of.

It sounds like your husband is in a similar state that my b/f was in when we almost fell apart. He will want to do anything and everything he can to help himself and you and your life together. That's a good thing. I'm not saying that it's a situation to be taken advantage of, but it is one in which a dialog can be opened to things you may never have spoken about before.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59877 - 01/25/06 10:50 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Rayne Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 23
Thanks Trish and Larry. It is wonderful to have support of others. I told my husband that he has to take down all his internet post and disable all his alias e-mails. I told him that if I ever find anymore evidence of "activity", that I will have to leave. I made another appointment with a psychiatrist for next week and he is in agreement. I let him know that I love him, but he would have to comply with my wishes if he wants us to stay together. I am not naive, I know it will be a struggle for him, but I told him that if he leans on me, we can get through it together. I think that maybe we can go to some group counseling also.

_________________________
Rayne

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#59878 - 01/25/06 11:18 PM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Rayne,

I can relate to what you describe. I was abused as a young boy, and it devastated my life. I never got the help I needed when I was growing up and carried it all into my adult years and my marriage. I acted out with pornography and was discovered by my wife on several occasions. I hated myself, but was unable to stop.

Thankfully I didn't act out with either women or men. I think I would have at some point but was just too scared.

I think what I would like to share with you is this. Like was said above, you need to spell out with your husband what the ground rules are for you to be able to stay with him. Perhaps more importantly, he needs to know that you are there for him with support and love, as long as those ground rules are adhered to.

He needs professional help in order to bring order to the chaos that was created in his own home by his parents and brother.

Speaking to it from the "other side of the coin" I know that your marriage can become stronger than was ever possible before, if both of you are willing to do the hard work necessary.

After 23 years of marriage, I finally was able to tell my wife of my history. To her it was a relief to finally understand what was "wrong" with me. We've been in counseling since, together and separately. Life is good for us now, better than it ever had been.

There is hope Rayne, there really is. My hope is that it will work our between you guys. You have my thoughts and prayers.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#59879 - 01/26/06 12:42 AM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Rayne,

Good for you Rayne and good for your husband for agreeing to see a psych. The first steps are hard, and it doesn't get easier fast. My b/f goes through some very, very rough times. He's learning to trust me a bit more with some of it and that causes me pain. Not because he leans on me, I welcome that, but when you think of him being hurt in the worst of ways as a child and the damage it's done to the man that you love, it can rip you up.

Love, understanding and the setting and keeping of boundaries, for both of you, are what will keep you together. A therapist for him will be life saving and a therapist for you will help you keep your sanity; so will this place. If I couldn't come here and learn and get feedback on the things I and we are going through, I'd be floundering around like a lost soul.

The more you learn and understand, the better your life will become.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59880 - 01/26/06 01:32 AM Re: (LONG) The tears won't dry - possible triggers
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Rayne
the details are different, but the results are much the same. I was abused as a boy then went on to act out with other strange men when I was about 46yo and married since I was 21yo. I'm 53 later this year and still married.

My wife also discovered my acting out when I left a copy of my journal that I was writing for my therapist to read on the pc, and like you she was devastated - and supportive, with conditions!

Which is both understandable from your point of view, and actually very good for us.
There is no way we can change our behaviours without boundaries being set. We can set our own and try to abide by them, but it's easier with love and support. We also have a goal to aim for, which is much more important to us when the boundaries and goals INCLUDE the person we love and so nearly lost.

Acting out is a complex issue, and for many guys it has very little to do with being gay or bi, or even sex.
The reality is often that we are trying to regain control over the sex that was imposed on us as boys. I certainly thought and believed that by repeating those acts as an adult, and on my terms, then I would somehow come to terms with what happened to young David, but the reality was entirely different.

Obviously I didn't seek sex with strange men actually thinking like that, this chain of events and behavioural changes has only become apparent through therapy with someone experienced and skilled in dealing with survivors.
Back when I was acting out I was locked into a fantasy world that had always been with me but had escalated over the years until the inevitable day when I made the fantasy come true - or so I thought. Like I said, the reality was very different, so I carried on in search of my fantasy.

If he's serious about healing then it's possible, but remember that you can's do it for him and neither can you drag him through it, he has to make the effort.
If he does then stand by for a bumpy ride and a lot of tears.
It's time to set boundaries, both of you need to do that, and then things can start to move on.

Acting out is a horrible thing for any partner to have to deal with, and the things you will read here and in books, the things such as I said here, can - and will - sometimes seem like excuses for us getting our jollies. That's hard to come to terms with, but it can be done if BOTH parties are willing to learn and be totally honest with each other.

You've made a start by coming here.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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