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#59862 - 01/28/06 03:40 AM Re: need advice from family and friends
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Adam,

Just be cautious and remember to protect yourself just as carefully as you want to protect her.

ROCK ON.....Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59863 - 01/28/06 05:49 PM Re: need advice from family and friends
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam my friend,

As you think about the things you mention in your last post, think about where she is as well. How much does she know about CSA? What background does she have that might enable her to help you or respond in a useful way? Will she be able to give you what you need as a sirvivor - validation, comfort, support, and so on?

If you are unsure about any of the answers to these questions, then perhaps this means that while disclosure may be a good idea, you might want to proceed slowly and not right away.

You need to know that non-survivors are often clueless about CSA and can say very hurtful things that they don't mean to be taken that way at all. They just DON'T KNOW anything about the subject or the problems and issues it raises for us.

Remember also that the information about your abuse history is YOUR information right now. No one else knows it: not even us, since we don't know who you are. But if you tell your friend then the cat is out of the bag and you have no control over where the information goes after that. Is your relationship far enough developed to face that fact?

I'm sorry if this sounds negative and tough bro. I just don't want you to get hurt.

Are you still seeing that T? If so, this is a good topic for discussion.

Just for the sake of comparison Adam, when I wanted to tell my parents about what happened to me I planned and talked about it for six months - here, with my T in Germany, with another T before I told them, and so on. It all went very well, but that was because I was ready - really ready.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59864 - 01/28/06 11:20 PM Re: need advice from family and friends
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Adam

Quote:
you know?i think i need just one real person to listen ,just listen she don't have to have the answers to my questions just let me ask them
That's all we need at that time, someone to listen.

When I disclosed to my wife I felt the same, I don't remember expecting answers. I got them in the end though.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#59865 - 01/29/06 09:55 PM Re: need advice from family and friends
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

The bottom line, my friend, is that you are going to be okay. All these things raging in your head will get resolved and you will safe and loved in the world. Please do believe that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#59866 - 02/01/06 10:44 PM Re: need advice from family and friends
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Adam

I think two things. Firstly I think you need to trust your own instincts quite a lot. Who is the woman you are with? Is she a survivor, estimates are 1 in 3 women are. Does she have any / a little / no knowledge about CSA. Has she just come out of a relationship where there was no communication and she's looking for someone who is able and willing to talk about feelngs or has she had a really heavy time and looking for a bit of lighthearted fun?
Is she strong, stable,loving and caring or a bit fragile herself? Is she trustworthy or not? So many factors and maybe you'll get more of an idea about how much you want to share with her if you find out about her first.

Secondly, although what happened to you and dealing with it may be the biggest thing in your life right now, CSA isn't you. You are Adam. Bright, kind, warm with many facets that make you who you are. However much you decide to share with her about CSA make sure you also knows who you are.

Good luck

Love

Tracy


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#59867 - 02/02/06 12:39 AM Re: need advice from family and friends
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
Adam,

Similar to others here ... ask yourself the right questions about the person and what stage your relationship is at. Speak with your therapist about disclosing. Ultimately trust your own instincts. I just started to date someone and drift off thinking about when would be the right time to tell her. It's only been 2 dates. I'd rather focus on the present relationship between us first. I don't know what the right answer is ... if our dating continues and grows into a serious relationship I don't imagine telling her within the next 4 months ... maybe after 4 more months ... and I would have to have a high comfort level with her ... but that's just me.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#59868 - 02/02/06 02:22 AM Re: need advice from family and friends
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i talked to my gf and told her much of my past ,she cried ,i hate that! but then she said it didnt matter to her then she cried some more ,then she asked if i wanted to be held ,it was ok ,iguess being held i mean . she says she wants to help me if she can .but i told my t about her and she says it might not be a good idea for me to get serious with this girl ,she says that because i am at about a 14 year old level sexualy and that i look so young it would be easy for someone to take advantage of me ,well no shit thats what attracted my perp to me !im aware of that .i think its because she works in a bar and is 26 years old ,the t says i'm looking for a mother not a girlfriend . i dont agree with her on this at all . hey thanks everyone for the advice . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#59869 - 02/02/06 06:38 PM Re: need advice from family and friends
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

That's great you got such support from your girlfriend - it sounds like your relationship is moving very fast!

I think what your T means is that you might be looking for a "mother" in the sense of a female caregiver to whom Little Adam can relate. I would talk more with your T about this and see where the discussion goes.

Right now I think it is so important that you not put yourself into a situation where you are uncomfortable and easily hurt. That said, I can sure imagine how great it feels to see that a woman you like is attracted to you as a man!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#59870 - 02/08/06 11:33 PM Re: need advice from family and friends
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Adam

Whatever happens next, well done you!!! That must have taken a lot of courage. Take good care of yourself.

Love

Tracy


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