So many thoughts here .......
What Kirk said is true, masturbation is easy and we do it on our terms with no outside involvement.
Which also makes sense of what many partners have said about making love with a survivor - we perform, and roll over. Thank you and good night!
Much, or maybe all, of this comes from not having the right connections between love and sex.
What we learned as young boys was power and sex, love never entered the equation, and the sources of real love that we might have had at the time are often perceived by us to have NOT protected us from the abuse. I'm convinced that my parents didn't know anything about my abuse, but I still feel as though I wasn't protected properly at the time. The fact is I wasn't protected by anyone, but how do I reconcile the fact that some people loved me and some abused me and sex is the wedge that comes between love and abuse.
I was 'supposed' to have my first sexual experience with some girl I was madly in love with, even if it was only for a few days at 15 or 16 years old - not being beaten into submission by other boys at 11yo.
That wedge is still in place for me, I still can't place kissing, cuddling and making love in the 'loving' context, because the first two lead to the last one which is sex which is all about power.
That's also very true of the porn I have used in the past, but much less recently.
I think that most survivors are very fussy about waht they look at, I certainly had a narrow focus that was gay bj's where the giver looked as though he was submissive, and straight porn was pretty much the same, the woman was submissive.
I related to that submissive role, in my fantasy I knew how that sex act felt because I'd been there, done that.
I have said in the past that I was seeking control over the sex acts I did as a boy by doing them on my terms as an adult, but I'm not so sure now, I think I was just relating to the submissive role I was forced into as a boy.
Perhaps that's why I always had trouble when my wife started sex, or ended up in a dominant position.
But because I was ( am ? ) so conditioned to be submissive I can't do the dominant role either when it comes to sex with my wife because I don't want to put someone I love in that ( horrible ) submissive role!
I know 100% that making love is all about sharing, and there isn't a dom /sub role when it's 'right'.
But try and get that into my head!!