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#59719 - 01/10/06 01:20 AM trying to understand
girlfriends Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/10/06
Posts: 1
Loc: nyc
Hi all
I read quite a few posts and am touched. I am here because I was told by a psychic that my boyfriend was sexually abused as a child below the age of 7. I know it sounds crazy coming from a psychic but a lot of his behaviors seem to be things I read here. I guess I would love some answers and how to handle this situation. He was very very attracted to me when we first started dating 2 years ago and then became less and less interested in sex after some time. I have looked at his computer's history and come to know that he watches a lot of internet porn and now know that his occassional "partying" with drugs has increased. There seems to be so many secrets and this emptyness inside but at the same time I can feel he really loves me. I don't know what to do. I talked to him last week about the drugs and said I think he is doing it more and that it needs to change. I also spoke with him about him not wanting to be intimate and I could see he feels really badly. The whole thing shook him up and he is doing a cleanse to lose weight and detox. It is really hard for me that he won't open up about why he is sad (he said that he was sad too often now). How do I approach him. Do you think he could have possibly been abused and is causing him problems with intimacy. I am afraid that his porn addiction is going to turn into something more if it hasn't already.

really hurting,
a girlfriend.

_________________________
girlfriends

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#59720 - 01/10/06 10:44 AM Re: trying to understand
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi, I don't think that from what you said, that we can determine if he was or was not molested as a kid. When I was in the navy, I new a lot of guys that would get tired of their girlfriends after a while. I am not saying this to hurt you, it was just the way they were. And about the porn, I think about 95% looked at and used porn, but when they got back in port they were out chasing woman in the bars so I think they were pretty normal.

What I have a problem with is approaching women at all if I find them sexy, I have to get just about wasted to do it. I think a lot of the guys on here have a problem making the first move.
So if your man had a very hard time getting to know you, and taking it to the next step, I would say yes he could be.

About getting him to open up to you, that is very hard to do, guys are raised to hold everything in, one thing that may do it is if you start opening up to him, about something that happened to you.

I am sorry that you are having a hard time, and hope things will improve.

Take care,
Lostcowboy

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#59721 - 01/10/06 08:23 PM Re: trying to understand
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
GF,

What you have said so far doesn't really allow one to make any kind of guess about whether your BF was abused as a child. The opinion of a psychic isn't very strong evidence!

I would just add two things to what has been said already.

First, the exposure of his abuse history, if he has one, ought to come from him. It could really harm him if he feels "outed". I would let him know of your love and devotion to him and find some way of indicating that if he wants to talk he should not hesitate because it is something big and you might blow him off.

The other matter is yourself. You need to feel free to express your own needs and expectations, and certainly you should not feel that everything that is important to you should get hijacked and sidetracked because he has problems. He need your support and love, yes, but he also needs to know if you are becoming seriously dissatisfied with some aspect of the relationship. I think everything in a relationship becomes a lot more complicated when honesty and openness is replaced by maneuvering and guessing games.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59722 - 01/11/06 07:38 AM Re: trying to understand
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
GF,
Hi I just wanted to agree with Lost cowboy and Larry, & to give you some added thoughts.

Number 1 rule should be to take care of yourself first, no matter HOW much you love or have spent time with your boyfriend. That piece of advice comes from a long line of Supporters on this site.

My background is as a Survivor my self and also a spouse to a survivor. I know the Porn Addiction alone can eat a partner alive on the inside , in my own experience I felt I was in a "competition" I could never win.

The other part of this I want to point out is that you said he uses drugs & that use has increased.

With my experience with my spouse, his use of Porn made him desire actual real life sexual contact (along with his abuse issues), but it is also a known fact that using drugs can cause depression and lack of sex drive also.

I am sure you are feeling very overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts running wild right now. My best suggestion I can give is to seek professional pschyotherapy for YOURSELF so that you have the support that you need.
IF in the future your BF does disclose a history of SA you will have a support system already in place for yourself so that you can be better prepared for any "surprising news".

Please take good care of YOU through all of this.

May Peace fill you,
Sammy


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#59723 - 01/11/06 07:53 AM Re: trying to understand
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Elle7,

Just wondering how you and your daugh are doing. I have been thinking about your situation so much because it is so much like my own.
If you would prefer to private message just click on the little icon above this msg with the 2 people on the envelope.

My Prayers are with your Family,
Peace,
Sammy


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