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#59655 - 01/08/06 12:44 AM Where did the little boy go?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
When my b/f was a kid, he was called Jack, when he graduated from high school, Jack ceased to exist and he called himself by his given name, John. We talked many times about the abuse he endured and heís told me that he should have fought harder to stop it, one of my responses to him was, and still is, that he needs to cut Jack a break, he was just a little kid. Last night, during one of our talks, a version of this scenario was being played out and he told me no, it was Jake who deserved the break, not Jack. Jake was going to be his race car driver name. Heís told me this several times before, during happy conversations and I just assumed that it was a perfectly normal boyhood fantasy.

Last night was the first time that Jake was ever brought up when talking about the abuse. From many of the things Iíve read here, disassociation was a necessary tool to survival and I strongly suspect that Jake was Jackís salvation. Jake lived the life of the boy that Jack couldnít be. Jake built race cars, he started his own little landscape business, he was in boy scouts, became an Eagle Scout, he had friends, he made national honor society, and so many more wonderful and difficult things my b/f accomplished - on his own; Jack suffered and so now does John.

I donít know if Iím suffering from a case of "a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing" and Iíd really like some opinions from those of you who know or have dealt with similar circumstances. I canít help feeling like Iíve had a light bulb moment of my own and if I have, how do I relay that information to him to explore with his T.

Any feedback would be really helpful. Thanks.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59656 - 01/08/06 11:26 AM Re: Where did the little boy go?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Trish,

Jake was his imaginary friend, he was someone this guy aspired to be.

It is a form of dissociation, and it kept him going to have Jake, who never got hurt.

It is necessary to discuss this with a trained therapist to reunite Jake with him, he also may have other personalities, and from what I have read it is far from impossible.

Jake has to be part of the equation, and it is good that you can talk to him about Jake,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#59657 - 01/08/06 11:42 PM Re: Where did the little boy go?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i don't know if i agree that jack was imaginary,in my case the little boy who i call shadow was the strong one ,he took all the abuse and pain while adam ,the person i am now hid away somewhere. he was the hero ,i was just a scared kid watching him take it all if that makes any sense ,shadow was stronger then than i am now. in fact it has only been about three years ago that shadow went away and adam took over .the adam i am today hid away for 10 years ,while shadow kept me alive. i think like me your bf created jake not to do all the things you described but to take the abuse so john could survive .that's why he says jake deserved a break because jake took on what john could not .john did all those things ,but jake made it possible for john to do them . just my opinion, jake was his strength ,in reality jake and john are the same person but under extreme conditions we can become split ,john didn't think he had any strength ,but jake was fearless ,my t says i need to reunite shadow and adam to become whole again ,but during my abuse it really seemed like i was two different people,one ,shadow fought like a demon ,the other adam stayed inside my head he couldn't even look at the things shadow was going through . i hope this makes sense it's hard to explain . when i look back now i think damn shadow was one tough kid ,but i don't see that it was me ,fighting and hurting somehow it seems like it was another person .my t say when i can see that shadow and adam were the same person .then i can be reunited with myself .kinda confusing to me . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#59658 - 01/09/06 12:00 AM Re: Where did the little boy go?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Adam,

your T is right, and maybe I shold not have used the term imaginary, it conjurs up all sorts of things.

Shadow kept Adam safe, as he took the abuse, so that Adam would be OK.

It is like my abuse, when part of me just tried to keep the little boy safe, so that ste survived, so I created alters to carry the abuse, and lessen the hurt, and I know it is difficult to understand.

I think Trish is trying to say, that her bf, created an alter called Jake, that was really him without the abuse, and what he would really want to revert back to, and dump the past, and just be the way Jake would want him to be.

I have alters, but they are not so bad, and not so far away, but they need to be sorted out.

Shadow kept you alive, he kept little adam from hurting as much as he should.

I spoke to a T about this not so long ago, and she said, how come you cannot release the past, and I said, because if I did, it would be like losing a best friend.

If shadow is a best friend then keep him, but try and get them together, as he is strong for getting you here.

Little ste, got me thru to where I am today, and I will never let him go, but somehow I need to get to know him better,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#59659 - 01/09/06 01:20 AM Re: Where did the little boy go?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Trish--

I know that I have had similar moments where a comment from my boyfriend seems particularly illuminating to me-- when you care about someone so much it is easy to get caught up in trying to put together the puzzle.

In my opinion though, it is more supportive to leave that puzzle to the survivor and a better use of my energy to focus on things that are truly within my control.

When I find myself wanting to connect the dots "for" him, I really have to ask myself why-- what I gain (or lose) from that, what he gains (or loses) from that. Why would I feel it necessary to tell him which of his thoughts or experiences are "important?" How can I possibly judge that? Why is it important to *me* that he focus or not focus on a particular issue in his therapy? Why he was sharing with me in the first place?

I have more to say but no time.

SAR


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#59660 - 01/10/06 01:27 AM Re: Where did the little boy go?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Lots of info here. Adam and Ste you may be right in that I have the players reversed, I just don't know and I don't even know that it matters. I just believe that the fact of it does matter.

SAR, I kind of get what your saying. He definately has to do his own healing and "connect the dots" as you say. But if he says something to me that turns a spot light on, should I really ignore it? I would never presume to tell him what to concentrate on with his T, that is 100% between the two of them; I don't even ask and he doesn't tell me, straight out that is.

There's something you said in another post about words that are spoken and words that are heard and how different they can be. He actually told me once that his T told him he'd never get better. I didn't jump up and down screaming about how ridiculous that was, I remembered your words. I looked at him very calmly and said that if she said such a thing, then maybe he needed a different T, but that I think he may have mis-interpreted what she said. He then went on to tell me exactly what she said and even the words leaving his mouth, were not what he heard. We discussed it a bit more and I feel that he understood that he was twisting things to what HE believed, not what she believed and certainly not what I believe.

The point is, if he says something to me and I respond, he may not hear what I'm actually saying, but he may think about it and broach it with his T and, hopefully, she will also see that he needs some clarification. I really try to be very careful not to be his "other" T. I let him talk and give my opinion if asked, but I don't know how, or if I should, let this possible revelation just go by. Does that make sense?

For as much as I learn here, I still feel like I'm bumbling along.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59661 - 01/10/06 09:30 PM Re: Where did the little boy go?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

I wonder if I can add something useful to what Ste and Adam have said. They are talking about dissociation, and so is your partner.

When I was a boy being abused I would "go away" to a corner of the ceiling. I would concentrate on something on the wall, usually a picture or a photo, and use it to "take myself away" from the bed or floor or whatever. I would go through the picture up to the ceiling and curl up in a ball there with my back to what was happening in the room below, which was too terrible for me to look at.

This was all imaginary, as Ste says, but at the time it was very real for me. It enabled me to say that what was happening in the room wasn't really happening to me - I wasn't "there". Adam had a different take on this: Shadow was the strong boy who could take everything that was happening so that Adam could feel safe and keep going. As Ste says, it looks like "Jake" was your partner's version of "Shadow".

SAR asks the useful question of what you can learn from such information, from figuring it out, and from helping your partner to see what was going on. My answer would be this. I think it is useful to you to get the insight this offers into how horrific the experience of abuse is. The kid being molested is so terrified and devastated that he can even invent a surrogate for himself to take the abuse while he projects himself somewhere else to hide (like I thought I could do) or wait for it to end (Adam). It's a desperate step.

I also think it is good for the survivor to understand this as well. We were not wacko or going nuts: we were terrified confused children just trying to survive the next 24 hours in the only ways we knew how. The only resources we had were those of childhood fantasy, and that's what we used.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59662 - 01/10/06 09:35 PM Re: Where did the little boy go?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hey, you guys.

Putting abuse together is not your job, it is up to the professionals, if you can find one.

I liken it to a circuit that is continuously fused, of a mass of emotions spilling all over the place from euphoria to deep grief.

A survivor may not even know the trigger, and can be totally confused by even true love.

The trick is to build trust, but also set your own boundaries so that he does not drain your own resources.

It is a difficult balancing act.

I guess for you guys, it is like a child in summer wanting christmas to be tomorrow.

A difficult analogy, maybe someone can phrase it better,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#59663 - 01/11/06 01:47 AM Re: Where did the little boy go?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Ste,

I think your analogy of a child in summer wanting Christmas to be tomorrow is pretty damn accurate. Yes, I want it all to be better now, hell I want it all to never have happened at all. For as much as I feel that, my b/f feels it 1000 times more, I know that.

Your also mostly right in that putting the abuse together isn't our "job." But there is a part of us that needs to be there and needs to work stuff out. Not just for him, mostly for us. Sometimes we need to do nothing other than to be there for him and other times to talk, if that's what our partner wants, other times to say, hey, I know you're hurting, but that behavior is not acceptable. I'm learning how to deal with those things and bring them to his attention. Why? because for my survival and the survival of our relationship, I have to. His T can't tell him the everyday things that I see that don't work or the ones that do for that matter. He may not, and actually probably doesn't, tell her everything; I see him and talk to him daily; she sees him once a week. I see the things that need to be addressed, that have to do with US. How awful would it be if I just turned a blind eye and said talk to the professional, not me. That would sound the tolling of the bells for he and I quicker than anything else I can think of.

In the moments when he wants to talk and the man I love is hurting and crying so badly that he can't breathe and he wants to tell me things, even things I don't need or want to know, I can not and will not turn from that. I do see that as my job; not one I do for anything except love for my guy.

I'm in this up to my neck, but keeping my head above water.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59664 - 01/11/06 10:29 PM Re: Where did the little boy go?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Trish,

I never meant to leave it all to the professionals, of course you both need to also get through this together.

There is a great movie to see which can touch the subject, and it is a true story, hire it out.

It is called Antwone Fisher, and it is a true story with the screenplay done by Antwone.

The thing to look out for, is dont smother or protect him, he will see it as so negative, or at least I do, and I have seen the damage that it can cause.

Give him space when he asks, but do not let him ever walk over you, I am sorry but that is the only way I can think right now.

A survivor can feel so inadequate in life, because his mind will constantly go back to when he could not fend off abuse.

As I said in another thread, it is not the abuse that causes the problems, it is all of the emotional difficulties that it brings into everyday life.

If they were not addressed at source, then they cause accumulative difficulties to surface in adult life.

If you have an accident in life, at least you can talk your feelings thru with friends.

It becomes far more difficult to explain the trauma of not being able to get help, and working things out in your own mind with nobody to turn to.

Let him talk when he can, hold him when he is having trouble breathing, I guess we all know that one.

If he finds he can talk to you from his boy mind, then feel fine to tell him it is safe now.

If he feels safe with his emotions with you, then you have a life friend,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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