Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cards (33), korbin2003 (39), Rosemary (53), Zebra (47)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 36 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63213 Topics
442016 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#59636 - 01/05/06 06:49 PM Male survivors and silence
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
I have been wondering about the signification of silence for male survivors.
Ok, we all know about men going into their cave. It is so cliche but so true. But what happens when the guy going silent is a male survivor and when the going into the cave is due to huge triggers and following massive acting out ?
V , the man I love who has violently pushed me away has been silent now for 1 year. I have heard a few things since then especially the postive thing that he ended all the abusive relationships (being sexual or friendly) he got himself into as part of his acting out.
I don't know much right now but I keep thinking about whether he would be ready for communicating with me.
There were so many things left unsaid, between us, because at the time he would not want to communicate in a healthy way. At that time, whatever I said was received with suspicion and followed with accusations.
I still do love him, and this love is not going away. I want to respect his silence and the time he needs to sort himself out but at the same time, I fear that even if he is ready he would be scared to contact me, scared to be pushed away because he might anticipate me being extremely angry with his behaviour last year.
I am not angry, I am just very sad and I want him to know I am there for him.
So I am wondering if any of you guys have remained silent for that long and if it can be helpful for my man if I take the huge risk of contacting him first.
Also would like to know what can be behind all the silence.
Thank you and sorry if my thoughts are a bit messed up here.

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

Top
#59637 - 01/05/06 07:05 PM Re: Male survivors and silence
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Caro,

In this case the silence sounds like a reflection of larger and more important feelings: shame? guilt? confusion? whatever.

The bitch of this sort of thing is that the survivor doesn't think of the silence as continuing for so long; for him it is one day after another. He might not even realize how long it has been going on. But who knows, maybe he does.

This is just me talking, but I hate this sort of thing. I would much rather take the risk of getting in touch and being rebuffed, rather than just let the situation fester.

Maybe the thing to do would be to send a letter or email expressing your interest and concern, and even your love if you wish to do that, and see how he responds.

My rule of thumb is "Nothing ventured nothing gained". I don't think it would be a violation of his boundaries for you to express how you feel. Surely he already knows that, and perhaps it would help him to hear that your feelings have not waned.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#59638 - 01/05/06 09:28 PM Re: Male survivors and silence
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Larry seems to have summed it up.
The silence is hard to understand, and I have broken down some barriers.

None of us asked to live in silence, but it is a product of not being reached by professionals when we needed it, and the shame and humility also.

I dont know what your bf went through, maybe you dont either.

You need to always keep yourself safe in a relationship, and only you, know the circumstances leading up to the breakup.

You are the only one who can make the decision to contact, he may be yearning for it, maybe not.

If I was in his position, I would be screaming to get you back.

He may have only had harmful relationships throughout life, who knows.

As you will be aware, the mind is a very powerful tool, but when it has protected for many years, using a certain approach, then it is difficult to run new tapes over old.

I hope you can get back,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#59639 - 01/06/06 02:34 AM Re: Male survivors and silence
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Caro,

A letter is a good idea. While my b/f wasn't silent for such a long time, it was a matter of weeks, it seemed like forever. He was distraught and my last words to him, when he asked for a second chance, were, "you've got to be fucking kidding me!" Then I slammed the door.

After some time had passed and I realized what he was dealing with, I didn't know how to tell him that I still loved him and would be there for him. Larry and others here suggested a letter so that's what I did, with a twist. Instead of just a letter telling him I loved him, was there for him, etc., etc. I wrote a diary of sorts of some of the wonderful things we had done in the last four years, specifically stating the things that he did that made me love him. I let him read about the man I saw and loved. He called me that very night and asked me to come over. One of the things I told him I remembered so well was the first time he came to my house with a dozen yellow roses. When I got to his house, there was a single yellow rose on the kitchen counter.

Your love for this man is obviously so strong. If you don't take the chance, you'll kick yourself and always wonder. There is nothing worse in this world than looking back and wondering "what if." Go for it!

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#59640 - 01/06/06 11:13 AM Re: Male survivors and silence
Abby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/04
Posts: 36
Caetel,

I would only suggest you to think over yourself, and on how and if you would feel like coping with whatever outcome will arise from your tentative to reprise contacts with your b/f. He could be in silence with you from such a long time for many reasons, ranging from the lack of courage to reprise contacts with you first to the opposite situation where he wouldn't like to be in touch with you anymore at all. It's true that if you don't try you will always wonder about "what if...". But you should also respect yourself, your emotional wellbeing is the most important things for you to think about. So, my suggestion is to write him only when you feel deeply ready and serene for whatever outcome could result.

Take care,
Abby


Top
#59641 - 01/06/06 04:32 PM Re: Male survivors and silence
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
For what it's worth, when I go silent, a lot of times it's out of fear: Fear of saying something that will be taken the wrong way, fear of disclosing something that will come back and bite me, fear of making a fool of myself, fear of what my wife will think if I tell her the truth about everything (and wondering if I should tell her everything in the first place!)...

When I feel threatened, attacked or get triggered, silence is my best defense after turning off my emotions.


Top
#59642 - 01/06/06 10:39 PM Re: Male survivors and silence
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Caro
silence is what our abusers condemned us to, and it's a difficult thing to break out from.
So is the feeling of being 'unworthy' and 'dirty', if V still has these feelings then he could very easily project them onto you and your past relationship with him.

But they are feelings we want to break free from, and often don't fully realise that we're still having, so give him a call, let him know how you feel. He can react in two ways, negatively - and you're back where you are now, maybe a bit more sad. Or he can be positive, and anythings possible from then on.

If you don't take the chance, you'll never know.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#59643 - 01/09/06 11:31 PM Re: Male survivors and silence
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Thank you all for all your advice and inputs.
At the moment I am so stuck in a place of darkness. I still have a lot of issues with intimacy and I would not be able to deal with whatever misdirected anger he could have if I contacted him.
I ask my heart what to do and I get no answer. I am full of love and full of fear. I don't want to do something that would make me look like his mother (the abuser). And again I feel that he put me in a situation whatever I do, I lose.
The other night I was about to call, I kind of thought the whole thing over and then I knew that I would not be able to speak. Stuff get stuck in my mouth. There would be so many things to tell but the hardest and simplest thing to say is "I love you".
I just go insane turning this all around in my head. I am just praying for a miracle that when he is ready he will call.
Having said that, I might change my mind in a few weeks time and write a letter.
\:\(

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

Top
#59644 - 01/09/06 11:41 PM Re: Male survivors and silence
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Silence is about living each day and night in terror of abuse, even if the abuse is over, it is never over for the child who has endured it.

It is like having a deep secret, that you can nevr tell even your closest friends, but your friends who stay close will sense it, even without saying it to you.

If a child has to suffer these things without help, he has to keep tossing it over in his mind so many times, that it makes him dizzy trying to make sense of it, and with nobody to help, he feels like going crazy.

If he has kept these things secret from boyhood, then it is like a safety net which cannot be broken.

If you think about it, even if he loves you, he may be loathe to tell you. Why?

There are a number of reasons.

He may love you deeply, but has to be sure he can trust you implicitly with his feelings, and believe me it can be hard.

Even family cannot be trusted on this one, so no wonder he has trouble trusting anyone in the world.

There are a great number of factors that could keep him from trusting/telling you.

One thought that crossed my mind, is when I got a girlfriend, then do I tell her that I have these problems and face being dumped, again.

CSA caused me so many relationship problems, that I would love to find the right girl to express how I really feel.

If I had not been abused, then I would not need to have to live in continuing shame of the past that nobody can understand nor are willing to.

If I was you, I would tell him, that you can be there for him, and promise that you will never leave him, nor tell anybody what he tells you in his personal domain.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#59646 - 01/13/06 11:08 PM Re: Male survivors and silence
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Wow ! Thanks Ste and Jake for this input which helps me understand more what is possibly going on now with V. My guess that it is a combination of all that which involves a HUGE amount of shame.
I don't want to be pushy and like I said I want to respect also what he needs.
I need to concentrate on myself and new directions in life. I am about to enter my true career of being an art therapist and project coordinator for a survivors' organization.
I have been in such pain all the last year, I have cried so much and turned all this in my head. I just need a pause with this in my life because I cannot cope with that level of pain inside of me. I miss him so much. I pray for him every day trying to bring light on to him.
Thank you guys for sharing so much.
Caro

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.