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#59611 - 01/05/06 12:05 PM Oh God what have I done
fi Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/05/06
Posts: 3
I don't know where to begin.

I am angry at my partner and at the same time so ashamed and wanting these feelings to go away with all my heart because I love him so much. We have a baby girl and until yesterday were a happy family. He is 35, I'm 21.

What I am about to say may shock some people, I want to say despite what anyone thinks I am not coming here for anyone to agree with what I've done. I have come here to rectify these feelings that are destroying us.

My partner told me 2 days ago he was sexually abused. He has mentioned it before and had not wanted to go anywhere further discussing it with me. It has plaugued me for ages thinking what he had gone through. He told me he had counselling five years ago and it was all better.

Then we had a fight. In a fit of rage (I am so ashamed of this) I demanded he tell me what went on.

He told me the following.
When he was 15 turning 16 he was abused by a much older man. He used to go to this mans house over a period of 3-4 months and he didn't describe what went on but mentioned the words "sex". He said the man was a friend of a friend and gave him alcohol and pot in return for favours.

This is where it gets even worse. I hit the roof. I called him a faggot and a prostitute, I said how could he not be gay or bisexual if he had repeatedly gone to this mans house for months every day, sober knowing what was going to happen there. How could have be repeatedly sexually aroused and engaged in sexual activity with him if this wasn't the case? I hear of fear reactions but this was recurring daily. I see he was manipulated, he was young, but I don't see how he was young enough to be completely forced into it. He wasn't he actively went from choice, not under hypnosis or physical force but the pursuit of pleasure.

It is disgusting how I feel devestated not for him but for me. I fear because of the incident it somehow says he has an interest in men, even though it was so long ago and even though he calls it abuse. I want to see it as abuse but I cant.

he left me with the baby. The next day I was even more angry, I swear it feels like he betrayed me, and I know how utterly wrong and selfish and repugnant that is. My head knows he is a victim, my heart wont accept it even though I love him more than anything. I questioned him again this time he said it was masterbation and pornos and no sexual contact with the man. He would not tell me anymore than that. He changed the story the next day, so he was 14 instead of 16 and changed it to masterbation. he has now fully left me and I cannot contact him. Understandably he is deeply hurt and upset by my lack of compassion and my refusal to believe him.

I have a baby, I am not coping, I need help. I am so sorry if this post has offended anyone or is written with bad spelling and confusion. I have not eaten or slept in days and even after seeing a psych, the anger at him is still growing. It feels like the world has caved in and my husband has rejected me. I know this is so far from the truth, but why cant I believe it? I want him back and love him but am so angry.
Does anyone understand why I am feeling this way? Has anyone ever reacted like this? Is it normal?

WHAT HAVE I DONE.


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#59612 - 01/05/06 04:07 PM Re: Oh God what have I done
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Find someone to help you take care of your baby.

Go to a friend or relative. Tell them that you fought with your husband and are stressed out, and that you want to make sure your child is in good hands while you get yourself together. If this is not an option for you, try your pediatrician's office for resources, or call a crisis line.

If you are still seeing that psych, ask about postpartum depression.


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#59613 - 01/05/06 07:39 PM Re: Oh God what have I done
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Fi,

First of all, I don't blame you at all for how you reacted. It was unfortunate, okay; but you lashed out emotionally because you were so unprepared for what you were hearing. But bear in mind that survivors often have that happen. Yes, it is devastating, but the bottom line is that society STILL does not prepare us for the terrible news that a boy can be sexually molested.

I am drawn to your post because what happened to your partner also happened to me. I was groomed and cajoled as a boy into the abuser's trap, and I was quickly overwhelmed and utterly confused by his lies and tricks.

Ultimately I too just went with him and did what he wanted. Not one time, but many. But not because I liked it or was attracted by rewards; quite the contrary - he was a sadist and rejoiced in any opportunity to hurt, shame and humiliate me.

The reason was that by then all of my sense of worth and value as a boy had been destroyed. I genuinely thought that I wasn't good for anything other than to be raped by him or to perform with another boy for his amusement. When a kid has descended into this dark place, my friend, there is NOTHING he won't do for the slightest sign of approval or attention. That is just one of the very sad aspects of what sexual abuse of children is all about, and it explains why your partner could return to the abuser time after time and still feel terrified and ashamed about what was happening. This isn't about a rational adult; we are talking about a devastated child for whom all the world seems hostile and unsafe.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59614 - 01/05/06 08:38 PM Re: Oh God what have I done
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Fi
most days between the age of 11 and 16 I had sex with one or more older boys and a teacher, I was at a boarding school. In the school holidays I had no sex, and eventually I began to look forward to returning to school for the sex.

And to this day I have had sex with more males than females, but I'm not gay. I'm 52 years old and been married for nearly 32 of those years, and my wife knows all about my past, and the more recent past when I cruised for casual sex with strange men.

Being abused doesn't mean that a man goes on to be gay, or abuse children either.
It's far more complex than that, my view is that being gay or straight is something determined by other other influences and quite possibly genetics. The sexual experiences we had as kids are a PART of those influences, but not the overwhelming one.

The reason we kept going back to our abusers has a lot to do with what they offer us, which can be anything from drink and drugs to the emotional needs a kid needs and might not be getting from the 'right' places.
At my boarding school there was no room for affection, we were apart from our families, and in my case they were not a family that showed love and afection, so someone taking an interest in us, providing a need, will always seem attractive.

Perp's know this, and they can sense a vulnerable kid a mile off and then adjust the way they groom kids to suit their needs, that's the perp's needs not the kids. It's a cynical and manipulative method that employs lies and tricks to make the kid grateful for what the perp offers, the kid 'agrees' to sex in return. It's a crap deal.

Your anger and reactions are I think due to misunderstanding the enormity of the possible effects abuse can have on someone, even as an adult.
And I don't say that to belittle you, far from it, I admire the fact that you've posted here and asked some very pertinent questions, and stated some strong views. There's nothing wrong with that at all, in fact it shows that you want to understand a bit more about what he's feeling and been through.
Abuse of children is something that the majority of people rightly despise, but barely understand. They have no need to until they are faced with it, like you are now.

Some people can't deal with it at all, but most people - after the initial shock - seek information, they begin to learn and discover that what happened to that person as a child wasn't because the child actually wanted it to happen. Kid's don't volunteer to be abused, it's why civilised countries have laws against it.

I hope you stick around and continue to learn about how adults react, behave and most importantly, RECOVER from their abuse.
We do recover, and recovery with love and support from our partners is just wonderful.

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#59615 - 01/05/06 08:49 PM Re: Oh God what have I done
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 140
Loc: the sunshine state
I remember telling my wife that I was being with someone else. A male. I wanted to start over and be clean, no lies. She freaked, and rightly so. It was called adultery by any name. It was wrong to engage in. I was looking for my own identity in someone else, because I had a lousy sense of self. Of maleness, if that makes sense. Ok, that was as an adult, although a young one. I have often struggled with the idea that I should have resisted harder and more when I was molested as a boy. I believed that I made an adult descision at the age of 11-12, to continue the relationship. I have been kicking my own butt hard for a long time. Your partner has an open wound, and you have the option to help him heal. Easy ? No. Essential? Yes. You say you "love" him. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4,8. I'm sure you feel duped and lied to.Your dream was shattered. He was quiet for this very reason. In my opinion, you owe him a sincere heartfelt apology.It's the only way he'll open up to you. He's a wounded guy but I'm sure you have your baggage too. You two get to deal with this crap now, but it'll be worth it. Much love D.

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#59616 - 01/05/06 09:10 PM Re: Oh God what have I done
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
I echo everything that's been said thus far. But I'm curious if you had explored with your psych your emotions to his past disclosure. It sounds like your feelings have been building up and got the best of you in the heat of the moment.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#59617 - 01/05/06 10:04 PM Re: Oh God what have I done
fi Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/05/06
Posts: 3
What a wonderful forum. I thankyou all for your replies. I have read all and written parts down.

I must say that these thoughts are not just related to the abuse. They have been simmering for a while, but when he mentioned the abuse that was the icing on the cake. To me it was like an active consensual relationship and that makes me want to vomit since I felt that if it was then his urges wouldn't go away.
I have apologised to him, but had to say I'm working out my feelings so I can be more supportive. It would be a lie otherwise. I was hysterical when I wrote that original post, I have since called my parents and thankfully they are helping today with our daughter.

I have behaved like an animal, I know I do love him, but my anger is my real barrier. You'd think I was the victim the way I'm behaving. It has made me realise I am not as mature as once thought and actually have no idea about sexual abuse or even sexuality. Its not even homosexuality find abhorrent, I have gay friends, its the fact someone else was fufilling a need in the man I love in a way I never could. Warped I know.

SAR- Thankyou for your advice, I have been suffering in silence for ages with not so much PND but repressed anger. I am studying as well and am feeling guilty about other things like the fact we aren't married plus a million other issues. I need to find someone to talk to.

Larry- Your advice helped a lot. I am so sorry that ordeal happened to you, I can see you are very strong person despite what that man did. I know my partner was preyed on in the same way as you were, but he was looking for a father figure as well. If my partner explained in a little more detail how he was feeling at the time and what his motivations were instead of silence and leaving me, I could have been more compassionate. That is not to say it was his fault, I already had assumptions in my head and his lack of ifo about the assault simply prooved what I was fearing.

Lloydy: From your post it has become apparent that man can in some ways use sex for something other than an expression of romantic and eternal love between people. Homosexuality is something not simply based on male on male sexual experience. Its clearly something deeper, I'm trying to get my head around that so I can stop this anger, and be there for him.

Dewy: I reacted like your wife it sounds, but the fact is, his relationship was not current and was when he was a child. I was viewing the situation as if I actually had been cheated on. I have been praying about it and I feel that I am being given some peace for a minute or two when I do this. It is like I am being told that my love is a lot stronger than this and if I take on my attitude the way I am, I am the same as the man who abused him. I feel like his evil presence is lurking all around me at the moment. He is dead. I don't mean that literally but I hope you get my drift.

Born to resist: Thanks for your words -It definetly was heat of the moment, but why am I still fighting these feelings??


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#59618 - 01/06/06 01:55 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Fi
I'm so glad you came back, I thought you would.

Love means different things to different people, but you can't get away from the 'thing' that made you fall in love in the first place.
Whatever it was, it's still there somewhere, just waiting to be found again.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#59619 - 01/06/06 02:28 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
fi Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/05/06
Posts: 3
Hey everyone, I thought I would just update you on what has happened. I was able to find that love Dave spoke about under this anger, and it is much stronger and more powerful feeling than my misguided fury.

He has come back we have talked, I have asked for his forgiveness, admitted I was totally wrong and have tried to explain I reacted that way because I had a false idea of what actually happened and its implications on our relationship. We were able to talk properly without our daughter here which helped a lot. I hope those feeligns don't return, but if they do I will write them down or tell them to an anonymous phone counsellor rather than to him. I will not probe him about it any further.

the hardest thing is the look in his eye. i have hurt him beyond belief. He is the kindest most gentle loving man, he really has this spirit that is so pure. I can see why he was preyed upon. He has forgiven me yet the look of pain is still in his eyes. He says he has started having nightmares about it.

While the situation is far from perfect we at least know that our love and family is stronger than this evil. The hurt is still there, I have undone wounds and don't know how to regain trust but I can make my attitude towards him better in the future. As I said before other issues were involved and these are being discussed and worked through. He is not gay or bisexual and I can now believe him, though it is sad it has come to this for me to be able to do so.

I only found this forum yesterday and it has played a big part in saving our relationship. I have looked at heaps of threads and now have more idea on what he went through.

Thankyou all, I will be back soon
Peace
Fi


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#59620 - 01/06/06 02:49 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Fi,

Your last post is beautiful and full of hope and love. I happy for you.

Don't beat yourself up too much over the feelings of anger and mistrust you have. They are a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. While the two of you need to work on your marriage and your lives together you also need to work on yourselves individually for the pains you suffer. That is totally normal.

I still fight with myself over trust issues with my b/f, but it's getting better. I'm more vigilant for sure; I hate that, but it's necessary for me and for us. The fact that my b/f doesn't talk to me alot about what he's feeling is difficult, but I have to respect his boundaries and realize that I'm not his therapist, I'm his girlfriend. I don't have to "make" him talk, I just have to be there if he wants to.

Keep learning. The more your learn, the more you'll be able to deal with whatever comes.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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