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#59535 - 01/04/06 05:51 PM My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
elle7 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/22/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Midland
**************Trigger Warning*****************


I am in the middle of the toughest part of my life. I have recently learned that my husband has abused my daughter sexually and from that disclosure, I have also learned that he has been abused sexually as a child. I feel for what my daughter has been through, she is in therapy and I am helping her through this horrible experience.

However, I also feel sorry for my husband's experience, which was pretty horrible too. His mother had just died when it happened and he was abused by his aunt who took him in after her death. She abused him for years. I can't imagine losing your mother when one is so young and then suffering through this. I am not excusing what he did by any means, but I feel for him, like I would feel for anyone who has gone through this. Everyone expects me to hate him, but I do not. I hate what he did, yes it was terrible and I want him punished for his crime, but I also feel sorry for him. I am very conflicted. He was a good husband to me for nine years and its hard to imagine that he could do such things. I know he did...Its just hard to put the two people together.

He has apologized and taken responsibility for what he has done and for that I am grateful. I know that it does not seem much to those in the outside looking in, but it means a lot to me.

I thought it would help to put my confusing thoughts together and hopefully someone would understand. I hope no one is offended by what I wrote.


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#59536 - 01/04/06 08:57 PM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
susskinsdrew Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/04/06
Posts: 23
Loc: Twin Cities, Minnesota
I can understand your feelings from both sides. This has to be excrutiating for you because you love them both. I don't know what else to say other than to go with your instincts and help whomever needs it most at the time.

Take care.


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#59537 - 01/05/06 06:35 AM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
My sympathies are with your daughter. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#59538 - 01/05/06 01:29 PM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Elle7,
I have a similar story,not exact details but close enough to understand your tension of opposites on this subject. (sorry this is long)

****CAUTION COULD TRIGGER****
My spouse began behaving as a 20 yr old just a couple yrs after I got diagnosed with heart disease and a ton of other nasty crap. When I initially was diagnosed I sat my little family of hubby + 2 daughs down and "advised" them to seek counseling as it was going to be a tough ride for however long I lived.
At the time I didn't believe I would live to see my H.S. aged daughs grad. H.S. let alone see the birth of any grandchildren.
None heeded my advice to seek therapy, I did but then again I am a survivor of SA & all that comes with it so it feels as if I never have left therapy.

Hubby continued his teen behavior and I continued my harping to "stop acting like a 20 yr old". Some couple yrs later my youngest daugh & I had a melt down between us & she was the daugh that kept bringing home her friends (she is the social bug that I am) that I had practically raised, as I was the stay at home "kool aid mom". She called me a "Ho' " and the dam burst. I called my hubby @ work for the first time in 14 yrs (it was an unwritten rule to never do so unless someone was dead or dying)- I told him to gather what money he could and I left later that night for no where in particular, only following what Docs had been telling me to do for so long, to take a long vacation or die -- I was choosing to live in spite of hubby & daughs "hippy lifestyle" and me being the martyr to not only their sickness, but my own. the only "rule" was that I was to call every 3rd day, if I did not call he was allowed to contact the last known state patrol

I returned after some 7 weeks or so on the road visiting friends & family. My last point of stay was with his baby sister & when I would speak to him on the phone I would ask "Are you ready for me to come home yet?" His reply with a change in his voice so strange was only " I only want you to come home when you are completely ready to come home". Finally after having enough of his sister and his B.S. of an act of some sort on the phone I drove back, only to meet an empty house. So very very strange when BOTH hubby & daugh knew what time to expect me.

They came back to the house after about an hour, and I in my new found glory of having lost weight, now only taking about 3 pills a day as opposed to 36 when I left, and feeling as if I could live forever did not notice much of their body or voice language change. The house was spotless, but this I expected.

About 2 wks later, after most of my very close social friends did not recognize me at first glances my hubby finally took me out to our favorite night spot for dining, dancing to our friends live band. I began to share my experiences on "the road", good and bad. He took me to the dance floor and said in my ear "something bad happened while you were gone".
We went back to "our" table and he began to tell me a story that made every hair on my body stand on end, and the beginning of a rage to boil that to this day some 4 yrs later still has not stopped bursting the lid off the pot at times.

He began by telling me that he had gone to yet another co workers bonfire, proceeded to get very drunk and came home to our 20 yr old having her own drunken party in our house. These so called friends of hers, young adults that called me "Mom" were drunk and had drank every small amount of booze we had in our cabinets. They then asked "Daddy" if he would buy them more booze. He was too drunk to drive and had no money, but they pooled their cash and drove him to the store and then they all proceeded back to the house to continue to drink until the sun came up.

Hubby claims all he remembers is throwing his CPAP mask off too drunk to put it on, then he awoke to one of our daughs friends on top of him having sex with him. He says he pushed her off of him, and she then went into an "acquired" sons room to lay in bed with him. Our daugh got up, had seen her in bed with her Dad, and proceeded later to give this girl a ride home, knowing she was on probation with her own mother for breaking house rules and was past her curfew.

Later it turned out the girl told her mother of the sexual contact with my hubby & they proceeded to the hospital for a rape kit. He had been charged with rape of a 20 yr. old.

Elle7, after hearing this "story", I told him very calmly that we were leaving quietly and to pay the bill and meet me at the car. I was pissed because he told me in public knowing that I am not the type of person who throws a fit in public (i volunteer in the public a lot & at the time with the cops too) he used that knowledge against me to "tell his story".

We drove home, and I was very quiet - not knowing what to say, and being so damn stunned I was still trying to absorb all that he had said. Our daugh was at the house when we returned. Once at the house I began to "grill him" as if he were a suspect in a crime. He admitted to a long marriage of lies that had me so stunned it just led to one question after another. I had no idea just exactly how much of a double life he had been leading for the 15 yrs we had been married. He even admitted that on our 10th anniversary the supposed gal he met while gambling, was a paid prostitute and that he had visited prostitutes several times.

I was so angry and betrayed that he had placed not only my health ONCE at risk while I was supposedly healthy that we had to go through HIV testing, but that he had done so repeatedly during a time when he KNEW my immune system was already dangerously at risk. The only thing I could do after he told me this with our daugh in the room with us, is I washed the clothing I still had not completely unpacked, repacked my bags and left with my daughs words ringing in my ears "You're running away, you NEED to stay and face this!" My response was one of "fuck you, I tried to tell you all , now get yourselves out of this"

The hardest part of the entire ordeal was calling my daughs some days later and having to ask them IF their dad had EVER been inappropriate sexually with them, only to hear them BOTH scream at me, words that I no longer remember other than something of "How in the hell could you EVER think that of Daddy?" I took the screaming from them for that, it was only fair they were my daughs & it was a horrible question to ask of anyone truth or not.

These pages on this site are filled with the roller coaster ride of the following years. I returned and moved out into my own apartment, thank god I had a disability that allowed me emergency disability housing to move into. Yes, that statement may seem absurd, but if I would have had to try to pay for a full price Apt. I would never would have been able to move out.

It has only been this past early 2005 that I moved back into our joint house. Only because I had been jumped and beaten 2 X's both times causing heart attacks. I was frightened more of a man who I had made friends with when I entered the mental health wing after trying to kill myself. Hubby had agreed to let me move in to be safer.

His legal charges were "pled" down to a misdemeanor attempted sexual assault, he did jail time, paid fines, entered individual therapy and group therapy for sex addicts. In the beginning he was very sporadic at attending his meetings, bu threw himself into work and school at a pace that no real human could keep up with.

Our daugh that was involved in this mess moved away shortly after to finish her college degree in a city a few hours away. Hubby & I seemed to do a wobbling dance for awhile, then he completely ignored me tho I desperately needed physical health assistance. I began dating, when he found out, he melted down yet again.

We both knew of each others SA and otehr abuses from the beginning of our relationship when he was just 19 & I was 24 fresh out of a 1st marriage. This melt down he had when he found out I was dating he recovered memories of very violent rapes by a neighborhood teen.

Did I support him to the best of my ability? yes and no -- depended on the day and my mood but basically, Yes, I went to court on his behalf with letters from all of my many doctors stating he needed to keep his job to keep my health insurance in place, and to care for me. I answered his late night calls of tears. We fought, we screamed, we cried. I begged, and he denied, he verbally abused me on occassions, I did the same to him.

He had come to me to ask if he should attend an accelerated BA prgm to get out of his current job as he was harrassed on his job. How could I give him permission or say no? I was placed in a no win situation --- He pushed himself with the so called agreement to consistently attend his sex addicts mtgs and his T sessions with the goal of consistent marriage counseling after he graduated.

To date he has done the latter, keeping his promise to attend T sessions to prepare for marriage counseling, but only after I began "mirroring" his behaviors of , I'm tired, I don't know, Maybe, Ok later, etc etc....

I wish I could tell you this all ends happily ever after, but it ends at this point that I simply live under the same roof temporarily as a renter with him attending therapy as promised. I do not care for him anymore. I don't care if he is happy or is successful or his daughs have a relationship with him or not.

I do insist that in my last days HE will keep me in the manner of living of which I had come accustomed to. I have health insur., live in the house with MY things surrounding me and being active in my volunteer work as I am able to.

His therapist holds his feet to the fire by asking far too often in my opinion "How do you think that makes Sammy feel?" -- Neither of them are aware that I may or may not part take of any therapy sessions with them.

I have had enough of his bullshit, the lies, the betrayal, the far too long of a wait for him to become engaged in what matters to me. I am here only for what I myself can gain from the situation, and that is limited to physical comfort until I die.

Yesterday he accepted a new position in a city about 2 hours from here. It will be his turn to live in an efficiency apartment & walk to his job. I will now have this house to myself, my daugh who was an active participant in manipulating her Dad in the above assault on her acquaintaince has recently married, and now has a week old son. A grandchild I did not believe I would live to see.

She and her dad have a lot of counseling they need to involve themselves in. Our oldest daugh rarely returns unless it is a holiday that she cannot "work" her job on.

We are a fractured and torn family, much like the scarecrow in "The Wizard of OZ" after the winged monkeys have had their way with him. Perhaps some therapist may be able to put them back together again.

For me, I am for me. I have friends who are my support group, some know of the trauma, some don't. Most believe that my hubby was caught up in some "badly written law". He says with conviction that he is responsible for the trauma. He also speaks with conviction that he wants our marriage to heal.

I must say to you the "mantra" of friends and family -- Take care of YOU, find YOUR OWN therapist so that you may survive this trauma, support your daughter.

Your husbands healing from his childhood SA is 2nd on his list to healing. He must work to heal his relationship with his daughter and you, then himself. YOU cannot influence or impact that path in anyway.

You must make YOU first, and your daughter with you. Seek guidance from a qualified therapist for yourself, one for your daughter and one for the 2 of you.

I'm so sorry that I understand your torn and tortured pain of this situation. This website is a welcoming relief and a soft place to land when it seems no one else in the world could ever possibly know or fathom the deep wounds and confusion you feel and experience.

May Peace Find you and your daughter and Fill you both,

Sammy


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#59539 - 01/06/06 02:20 AM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Elle,

My heart aches for you and your daughter. Your husband was a victim in his youth and still suffers from that victimization; for that I can understand your sorrow, but unfortunately for your family, and most especially your young daughter, he has twisted the horrors he lived through and perpetrated them on a child, your child, his child.

I can't even begin to understand your pain. I can only say, as an outsider, that you must take care of your daughter and yourself now. By his actions, he has made it impossible at this point for you or your child to deal with him in any meaningful way.

You've put your daughter in therapy, that's good and it's crucial and probably will be for a long, long time, but please do the same for yourself.

You said that friends and family don't understand how you feel any sympathy for him, I get that. No one who is not living it can understand and you don't want anyone to have to live it. Please talk to someone who will just be for you and help you work through the desperately conflicted feelings you have. You are a victim too and you need and deserve just as much help to work through this as your child does.

ROCK ON........Trish

PS: Listen to Sammy, she's been through hell, but has fought her way back to the surface with a tremendous amount of hard work. You and your daughter will get there too.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#59540 - 01/06/06 04:36 AM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Honestly-- does it matter if you hate him or not?

Other people, including your daughter, probably feel strongly about him-- that's a consequence of what he did, it's understandable, and it's not up to you to protect him from that or to try and convince those people what to feel. It's not up to them to convince you what to feel either.

What's important is what you do, I think. Standing in your daughter's corner 100%, getting her the best help you can, getting justice for the crime committed against her-- those things don't mean that you hate him. They mean that you know what's right, and that your husband has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Sympathy does not shield other grown people from the results of their bad choices.

Something else to consider-- you don't say how old your daughter is, but sexual abuse is not an issue that resolves itself quickly. As your daughter grows into adulthood, and learns about non-abusive sexuality and relationships, she will develop new understandings and have a new context for her memories-- she will need to process again, grieve again.

None of you have any idea yet what he's apologizing for, or what it means for him to "take responsibility." Again-- that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to be grateful for his apology right now-- but you and CERTAINLY your daughter are entitled to any unforgiving feelings that arise later.


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#59541 - 01/10/06 12:49 AM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
My sympathies to you and your daughter.

I feel somewhat inadequate in answering your question.
Whilst I feel that your situation is a horrible one I'm left thinking that I hope for your daughters sake that what you think doesn't influence in any way what you must do, which is to support your daughter legally, moraly and emotionally now and for the rest of her life in believing that what your husband has done is so very wrong and not excusable.

I feel sure that you will need some theraputic support for yourself to do this properly. What you think,feel, do about your husband must be secondary to your daughters needs. (and your own).

Courage

Tracy


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#59542 - 01/16/06 08:31 PM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
elle7 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/22/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Midland
Thank you for your responses. This is a very difficult time. I want you all to understand that I am 100 percent on my daughter's side and will continue to be no matter what. I have done everything that is right, not that I knew to do this, but I relied on instinct. She overall seems happy and is doing well in school etc, BTW, she is 14. I do constantly tell her that it was not her fault and that I am glad she told me so that I could protect her. I want nothing more to make this all go away, to go back in time and make it not happen, but I can't and I have to let her know that she is very loved and valued by me.

We both feel the same way about him, a love hate thing. Maybe one day it will change, but for now that is our reality. We feel that no one understands our reality, but we really have not told anyone about it in detail, so how could they understand. Everyone has been supportive with the exeption of a few friends that ran for the hills. That is okay, I only like my real friends around.

We feel for anyone who has been through this nightmare.

I know what he did was horrible and should be punished, etc. I by no way am offering any excuses for him. There is no excuse for what he did. I apologize if it seems that way, that is not the case at all.

I am a person that analyzes everything, and I wonder sometimes, if people are not abused, if cycle of abuse can be stopped, will this help protect more children and how do we stop these cycles?


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#59543 - 01/16/06 08:37 PM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
elle7 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/22/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Midland
Oh also, I am in therapy. Trying to sort out all my feelings, but mostly, how best I can assist my daughter cope and heal. To tell you the truth, I have read every book out there for guidance, mostly I really on my instinct.

I am doing all the right things, trust me. From the beginning of the disclosure, I have never doubted my daughter. I just never thought all those other feelings would be part of this too. Its very complicated to say the least.

Just thought you all should know, since there seems to be some worries about my actions and putting my daughter second. No way, never. She is what I value most in life.


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#59544 - 01/16/06 10:53 PM Re: My Story ******STRONG TRIGGERS*******
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Elle
What a tragedy, but there is one shining beacon in all of this - "you".

So far you seem to be doing everything you possibly can, and I'm sure your daughter will respond to your understanding.

What she might not respond so well to is the 'loss' of her family as she knew it and her childhood, so I guess your work has only just begun.

The support of all the other respondants here is amazing, so much support and understanding.
And that's a quality you obviously have as well, not 'hating' the man you married and loved but hating what he did shows your humanity.

There's going to be hard choices though, and I would only repeat what the others have said - look after the two most important people in your life - you and your daughter first. And if that means cutting him out of your lives then please think towards the future, to a day when your daughter might need to come to a survivors site.

I'm like you though, I find hatred hard to do. It's a waste of my time and energy that I need to heal from my abuse, even to this day at the age of 51. Perhaps time has mellowed my hatred?

One things for sure though, I'll never confuse my lack of hatred with forgiveness, that's something I'll NEVER do.

Take care, both of you.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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