This is to the two females who gave birth to Patrick and Robert.
The boys told me how you did not cry when you had your last visit before your rights were terminated. There were so many things that were just unimaginable for me. One is that you did not do what they State required of you and you let them take your children away. All morning I have been sobbing, hurting for them, hurting and sad, but I am an adult and I will get through this, but who is there for them? I cannot stand the thought of them being alone.
I am so very angry. I am angry because I cannot protect them. They are no longer with me. Mother’s Day makes me think about you and how much you hurt them. I wonder where they are, what they are doing, and what they are thinking about themselves. Everyday was hard for them. Holidays were very hard for them. Mother’s Day was so very hard on them. Always being reminded of what they never had. I tried to protect your memory for them while they were here, and kept your secrets and I did this only for their protection. I could not stand the thought of them being any more hurt than they were; I only wanted to do things to help them. I just wanted them to be happy.
Both of you don’t deserve to be called Mothers. You are MONSTERS.
You don’t know me, but I know you. You both are selfish self-centered bias. Around your boys I tried to find whatever positive things I could find to say, not for your sake, but for your boys. I did not want them feeling any worse about themselves. You don’t know where they are and could care less. If I could talk to you face to face about what you did to ruin their lives, you would never take any responsibility. Nothing was ever your fault.
One of you did not want any of your children back until you ran out of money, then you told the social worker you would take two, any two of them, you did not care which ones, then you changed your mind and said you wanted the youngest two because you could get welfare payments the longest with those two. I would like to punch you.
I am angry with both of you. They were born healthy, beautiful boys – such great blessings and you did everything you could to hurt them. Telling them that they were the worst mistake in your life, everything was their fault, that they were stupid and worthless. You both are bias. You are freaking liars.
There was so much about each of them that was special. They were both so different, but each of them had beautiful hair, eyes and smiles. Both were beautiful in their own way. Both were so very intelligent, but thought they were stupid because that is what you called them. They had their best report cards ever while living with us, and were totally amazed. They could not believe that they were capable. They thought they were stupid because of you. They could have done anything that they set their minds to do – IF they would have believed in themselves. I believed in them, but it was not enough, never enough for all the lies you told.
If you did not want these precious boys, if you hated them so, why didn’t you place them for adoption when they were born? Into a loving, caring home – what every child should have. So many people would have rejoiced over having a beautiful boy, jumped at the chance to have them. Each of them so different, but each having special qualities. But no, you kept them so you had power over something you hated – men.
You left your mark, you left it imprinted on them forever. Like a firebrand still blazing. They trusted no one and feared everything. When someone did love them and care for them, they did not know what that was, because they had never seen in it in their entire lives. They felt like nobodies, nothing, losers why would anyone care for them, especially someone that they hardly knew. It broke my heart. It still breaks my heart, wondering where they are and how they are doing, how they are feeling about themselves, hoping someone is looking out for them.
All of the things that YOU did to them made it impossible for them to live in a loving, caring home.
The more I heard of what you did the more I hated you for it and for all of your lies. What you did to my boys made me physically ill. It made me want to vomit. You are hardly human. Each thing I heard kept thinking this is the worst thing I have ever heard a human being do to another human being, but there was always something else. You make me sick.
You do not deserve to be free. You are free and my boys are imprisoned inside themselves. You should be in rotting in jail or hell for the things you have done.
Even those places are too good for you.
I do not blame them for not believing that I cared for them that I loved them, for constantly and ferociously pushing me away, I BLAME YOU. I blame you for them not allowing any happiness in their lives. I blame you for making them feel like losers when they could not see that they were anything but. They are survivors. They survived you. They could not see how strong they are. They did not know how beautiful they are; they did not understand how very beautiful they were to me.
No matter what I said or did to try to make them feel special or see that they were special smart, unique and strong, and oh so very, very brave, you were always in their heads telling them something different - that they were bad, ugly, and worthless. You bias.
You neglected them, did not feed them, did not protect them, and did not watch over them. I could not take my eyes off of them, I was so afraid someone would hurt them. I was so over-protective, later I felt so silly and stupid - because everything I tried to protect them from they had already endured under your so-called care.
Rather than you being the adult and protecting them, you expected them to take care of you and your needs. You expected them to take care of all of your needs. You were the adults; you should have been the protector, the comforter, and the nurturer. You bias. They were only little boys. They should have been playing and having fun, ripping and running, not worrying about trying to clean the house because mom is passed out on the couch, or trying to find food, or upset that they cannot have friends over because mom does not wear clothes, or hiding so they will not get abused by you or others, not being shown porn, not seeing you have sex on the couch with anyone you drag home, never knowing from one minute to the next whether they are safe or not, or or or or .
You weren’t there when we were in attachment therapy and Robert did his timeline.
I sat right beside him as he was doing this. One square for every month of his life, nine squares to start while you carried him, three pages of squares filled in by him with a thick, dark black line. He chose the color. He was instructed by the therapist to stamp smiling faces, fear, mad, sad to indicate how he felt at each time. To see him stamp fear, mad, and sad over and over and over again rows upon rows upon rows. Not one happy face the entire time he lived with you. I had to make myself stay in that seat. It was so long - over two pages of fear, mad, and sad. I was just seeing this – this horror - I did not live this! How horrible it was for him. It was so hard to see him doing that. I just sobbed. How does one help fix all of that hurt? I did not live that life – he did – the life you gave him. YOU BIA!
Robert was with us during Vacation Bible School and the 4-5 year olds were so happy, running, laughing and having a great time. Joy and Freedom. They were so very free, they had no cares, no worries, they had always had food on the table, always had a loving mom and dad. Never known the absolute fear of living in hell and having nowhere else to go. I saw Robert just watching them. My heart just ached for him. I told Robert that is what I wished for him – the joy and freedom of those little guys. It was a wonderful sight seeing them so happy, yet so very painful at the same time, knowing how difficult it must be on Robert. Knowing emotionally he was a little guy and would love to be running with them. It made me feel like someone scooped a big piece of my insides out.
I was so thrilled to have your boys in my life. I was the proudest mom ever. I wish the two of you had been.
Patrick and Robert, I love you and I miss you.