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#59448 - 12/30/05 06:10 PM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Thanks to Larry, SAR, and Dave for your input and suggestions.

Quote:
And SAR is so right - as usual. For many guys such a letter could result in a lot of emotional distress and trauma.
To be honest, I'm a bit hesitant to send it because if it traumatizes him, I'm worried about how he'll deal with the opening of that closely guarded pandora's box; however, the letter never explicitly mentions SA or suggests that he is a survivor of SA - I simply relate the story of someone I know who was SA, relating his feelings and reactions to what happened to him as a child, without going into what it was that made him feel this way. Afterwards, I tell him that the reason for me relating the story is to assure him that there are people who will not judge him no matter what and that, even though I don't know what it is that has distorted his view of himself ("piece of shit"), I'm always here to listen and to support him, if and when he ever needs it.

Quote:
you're damned if you do - and damned if you don't, it's a tough choice. But if you do and it all goes wrong then there's always a chance to sort things out, if you don't you'll never know.
As I see it, at this point, I have nothing to lose. Sometimes, I almost wish that he would just SCREAM at me "I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!" so that I could just let go. In a way, perhaps that's what he's really doing with his silence. Maybe the push-pull dance has finally come to an end... But I want him to SCREAM it at me so that I can believe it...

Thank you... EJ

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#59449 - 12/31/05 12:04 AM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Joy,

it is hard to know a survivor, maybe he did not want you to know.

Sending links is not the ideal way to know him unless he asked for them.

It can be so difficult for any of us to find a true romance, where, we dont, 'f*ck it up'.

SA, causes deep problems in the victim, and also those they love, and it may manifest itself, as him not feeling or showind affection.

If you look at it one way CSA causes love and romance to be replaced by hurt and loss, and he may be unable to bring about a true meaningful reltationship even if it is his deepest wish.

The reason is, he has lost his self esteem of being a man, and all that naturally goes with it.

CSA causes massive upset to cognitive thinking, and the consequences almost always lead to breakdown of relationships, in my case it became chronic.

I just think that I dont have the resources to make real relationships, so maybe I dont bother, it is not worth the hassle, but if you really love him, try to find how to get in,

It might be worth it,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#59450 - 12/31/05 05:33 AM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Ste,

Quote:
I just think that I dont have the resources to make real relationships, so maybe I dont bother, it is not worth the hassle
Initially, I became discouraged by what you wrote, as he has expressed feelings similar to the ones you expressed above. I see this resignation in my brother, too, although I know that one of his deepest desires is to have his own family.

I began to get disheartened and depressed, once again - But then the following story just happened to fall into my hands:

"It was advertised that the Devil was going to put his tools up for sale. On the day of the sale, they were marked for public inspection, each with a sale price. The tools were hatred, envy, jealousy, deceit, and pride. Apart from the rest was a very harmless looking tool, very well worn, but expensively priced. 'What is the name of this tool?' asked one of the purchasers. 'Ah,' said the Devil, 'that is discouragement.' When asked why he priced it so high, he said, 'Oh, because it's more useful to me than all the others. I can pry open and get into a man's heart with that when I can't get near him with any other tool. And once I'm inside, I can do with him whatever I choose. It's badly worn because I use it on almost everyone, but few people know that it belongs to me."

I wish for you and for all other survivors continued hope. Never give up on yourself, ste. It causes me great sadness to know that you, my brother, my guy, and others would deny themselves their deepest wishes because of CSA.

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#59451 - 11/03/06 06:17 AM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Update:

I haven't been here for a very long time, already...

But I just want to say that we have been in touch since I sent that letter, although he never made mention of it. He mostly says things like, "I read everything you write. Keep writing. I will write more."

And yet, mid-August, I received this strange email:

Hello kindredspirit, can you send me an invitation to gmail, so I can wright you e-mails. Please Urgent.

It was odd because he already had three other addresses... But I suspect his mother (the abuser?) may have had access to them.

I did send him the invitation immediately, but he never responded. I can't help but wondering if he felt ready to disclose and yet, when he received my response and the reality of it was staring him in the face, he became frightened and cut off communication, again.

In any case, I am now dating an older man who is very much in love with me.

I don't know what purpose the journey with this Russian survivor served, but I hope to know, someday. In any case, it taught me how to love in a real way and brought me closer to God. It also made me realize that I cannot ever hope to take such matters into my own hands, alone.

Best wishes to all of you.

EJ

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#190289 - 11/07/07 01:51 AM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal [Re: evanescentjoy]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 796
Loc: North Texas
Hi EJ, I missed this the first time a round.
This word speaks loudly about how he feels about you, (kindred-spirit).
Could this mean that he is trying to determine if he can trust you? ("I read everything you write. Keep writing. I will write more.")
Question, have you reached deep down and pulled out that dark secret, that skeleton in the closet, and revealed it to him? Do you want to?
Abuse, it seems to happen to all of us. We tend to think it only happened to us, and so we hide it, so no one will know. But when we reveal this dark secret to our friend/s it gives them confidence in us, and they will share their secret with us. I don't know if this will happen for you. But it seems to happen to me, more often than not.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#190507 - 11/08/07 08:33 PM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal [Re: lostcowboy]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Hi Clifford,
Thank you for your reply - I was surprised to see this thread stirred up again...

Originally Posted By: lostcowboy
Hi EJ, I missed this the first time a round.
This word speaks loudly about how he feels about you, (kindred-spirit).


I have always felt that he is a kindred spirit, somehow... I believe he feels the same. He recently contacted me and told me how much he misses me and how sorry he is. When I inquired what he was sorry about, he responded, "You know."

I told him that everyone evolves on their own time.

Needless to say, after a bit of brief and rather business-like contact, he disappeared again.

Quote:
Could this mean that he is trying to determine if he can trust you? ("I read everything you write. Keep writing. I will write more.")


Perhaps. But we have known each other a very long time, already. I think I've proven to him time and again that he can trust me. Patience...

Quote:
Question, have you reached deep down and pulled out that dark secret, that skeleton in the closet, and revealed it to him? Do you want to?


I've almost done this... And then I stopped myself. I don't feel particularly traumatized by the event that I recall - perhaps I was too young, or once was not enough to make me feel that the experience had been damaging.

I always worried that it would trigger him or burden him and that he might disappear forever.

Interestingly enough, when I found out about my brother last Friday, this Survivor friend was the first person who came to mind who I wanted to tell.

Quote:
Abuse, it seems to happen to all of us. We tend to think it only happened to us, and so we hide it, so no one will know. But when we reveal this dark secret to our friend/s it gives them confidence in us, and they will share their secret with us. I don't know if this will happen for you. But it seems to happen to me, more often than not.

Take care,
Clifford


Thank you again, Clifford... We'll see what tomorrow brings...

~EJ



Edited by evanescentjoy (11/08/07 08:36 PM)
_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#190509 - 11/08/07 08:34 PM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal [Re: lostcowboy]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
PS - It was very affirming for me to hear those things from you, as a survivor of CSA... Thank you again.

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#208614 - 03/03/08 01:21 PM Re: Dilemma - Wounds that I can't heal [Re: evanescentjoy]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
UPDATE:

I received this unexpected message from my guy, last week. I am truly amazed. I never thought he would change or I would ever hear such words from him... And yet, I'm not holding my breath...

"EJ. You ARE the best girl I ever met. I swear!!! You're just wonderful. I'm so sorry for being such a blind and ignorant idiot. I'm still listening those disks you gave me. That's what truth is."

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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