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#59366 - 04/27/04 03:36 PM What the phuck???
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Ok..

As I told y'all.. my fiance launched an investigation into his perp over a year ago. The investigation is dragging on and on.. and I did a search on the website of the organization for whom his perp works, and sure enough, that fucking pedophile's smiling mug was right there, on the "new update" of the organization's webpage.

The anger I felt was tremendous.. I was under the impression that this guy would be removed from access to kids during the investigation. However, it kind of looks like this guy is actually still working there.

My fiance has not heard back from this investigation committee - it is now late April - he was told that he would likely hear something by January or February.

My blood is boiling.. how can this organization allow access to kids by someone their own professional organization is investigating, internally, for sexual abuse?

My mind is also spinning.. what if the investigation did not find any grounds to prosecute this guy? Oh man, the fallout of that on my fiance would be horrible. After seeing this website update I just have this strong feeling that this case is going to be thrown out.

I am in tears.

I feel like I am going to throw up.

I need a hug.

I promise not to barf on you.


Is there any justice in this world??

P


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#59367 - 04/27/04 04:44 PM Re: What the phuck???
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sigh.

This is just pathetic.

I think it is very difficult for us in our little community of survivors to remember just how all of this is viewed by "normals."

If you haven't already seen it, take a look at the recent film called "Capturing the Friedmans:" you will really WANT to believe that these seemingly mild, middle class, educated people could NEVER do anything like what they are alleged to have done...

There is such a bias against us - the inertia of the Normals is something we, from our standpoint, cannot begin to fathom. Let's face it - with our PTSD, we are all in emergency mode anyway, so when something of this magnitude & importance gets stalled by well-meaning but naive persons who try their best to avoid conflict & preserve the status quo.... we end up getting re-triggered, re-traumatized. And to anyone who hasn't been "here," we appear to be a bunch of hysterical lunatics.

I feel your deep concern for your fiance - he's so lucky to have you in his corner & in his life. The 2 of you will get through this somehow!!!!

Hugs,

:J

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#59368 - 04/27/04 05:52 PM Re: What the phuck???
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
You'd think though.. that if a case was serious enough to be investigated, that they would at least remove the possibilty of this guy having contact with kids?

I have written a letter to this organization asking what their policy is regarding employeees being investigated. I have yet to receive a response. GRRRR!

Sorry about the vague de>

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#59369 - 04/27/04 06:02 PM Re: What the phuck???
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
You would think that...

But it's the Old Boy network thing, too: "they" all know eachother & "they" want to protect their friends.

I know someone who SAYS he has been unjustly accused by his former wife - the guy is well-liked in our community, but yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't think their was something a bit "off" about him.

Nevertheless, am I going to start accusing him of lying????

The situation here is different, though, bec. he has been forbidden to ever go near his own kids AND he isn't around any others that I know of.

But, yes, with everything that has happened in the last few years regarding our "issue," it IS pretty amazing that your investigation is being stonewalled.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#59370 - 04/27/04 06:17 PM Re: What the phuck???
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Its amazing considering there have been increased requirements for professionals of this "organization" regarding sexual abuse allegations.

Maybe I am jumping to conclusions. But we are both just so confused as to why they have not gotten back when they said the investigation would likely go until January.. and here it is, almost May.

P


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#59371 - 04/27/04 06:46 PM Re: What the phuck???
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
PAS

Would they have told you if the case was going to be thrown out for sure? I agree, this sounds pretty bad, but take some deep breaths. Could it be that they only said January in the first place because they thought there'd be nothing, and the delay is a good sign?

If they are stonewalling, or ignoring the evidence they have, or continuing to put kids in danger, is there something you and your fiance can do? Can you put the pressure on them and let them know that you're not going anywhere? Is there another, external organization (like the media or the law) that you can get involved? Are any of these things he'd be comfortable doing?

You don't have to get through all of this right now, or even today. If the most you can manage right now is to throw up and get a hug, we'll be here for you tomorrow too.

SAR


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#59372 - 04/28/04 12:29 PM Re: What the phuck???
wifenneed Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 91
Loc: Michigan
PAS-
I agree with SAR, my first thought when I read this was going to the media, maybe a local TV station would run something about the pending investigation and yet the guy is still working for an organization having contact with kids? (If I understand you correctly) A televised piece about the allegations would certainly bring some attention to the organization, and hopefully tarnish this guys so-called repuation?? Ugh, I feel for you. And I wouldn't care if you did barf, this makes me sick too, and mad!!

Kathy


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#59373 - 04/28/04 03:22 PM Re: What the phuck???
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I agree there could be other ways to bring this issue to light, but it is not a legal investigation at this time, and it may never be. My fiance did not want that whole media circus, which is why he chose to go through a professional association, rather than the police (I think the statute of limitations has run out on the abuse incident as well). My fiance wants to remain as anonymous as possible, does not want to testify in front of anyone, few people outside me, his brother and a few close friends know he's been abused and I dont think he wants many people to know, all that shame and anger and guilt, you know.

I dont think there is much that can be done to make this any more public or push this along any faster. There have, as of now, been no charges or allegations made, so anything to bring "light" to the perp. would be viewed as statements damaging to his character, and I dont doubt that this dickhead would counter sue. I dont think my fiance needs that. He's already been used and abused by this guy, I KNOW he does not want to go through that kind of shit.

I have asked the professional association what their policy is on their members who are being investigated, I guess I will wait to see what their response is.


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#59374 - 04/28/04 07:57 PM Re: What the phuck???
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
PAS
I understand your BF and his desire to remain anonymous, I feel the same way.
It makes no difference that I'm open about my abuse and it wouldn't take Columbo to figure 'when where and who' with the amount on information I've disclosed so far. But I just don't feel that I could stand up in court and take the risk of the shattering rejection that would always be a possibility.

Organizations will cling to the wreckage as though it's a life raft in any attempt to keep their respectability.

Kathy, I like your idea. A bit of a leak to the press might have a dramatic effect.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#59375 - 04/28/04 11:21 PM Re: What the phuck???
wrangler Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/03
Posts: 84
Loc: Northern Virginia
Ugh. This sickens me to the very core. It is one of the hardest issuses for me to face, and here is why: my perp spent so much time and energy convincing me that I was the one that had initiated my own abuse... and as absurd as the logic is, it was not completely possible for me to dismiss it. Then, when the so-called "normals" also buy into it, I get so very confused. Some sort of emotional-intellectual battle rages within. My mind knows that this cannot possibly be my fault, but for some unknown, unexplainable reason I have SO much trouble really believing that I am not the one to blame.

Years after my abuse ended I finally got the nerve to "tell on" my abuser. The first place I called was a hot-line for child abuse. They told me they could not help me since I was now an adult. So I returned to getting more nerve up and eventually called the police in the town where the man lives and the abuse happened. You know what the good ol' sherriff had to say? Since I went back to see him after he abused me, I must have wanted what was happening and there were no grounds to press charges. AND he went on to say how he knew this man and what I was claiming just didn't make sense.

I had to back off at that point because it was starting to take a heavy toll on my ability to cope.

But there was something else I wanted to say in my reply besides my own sob story. First about statutes of limitations... I do know that in some states in the US the clock does not start ticking until the victim realizes it was abuse. These are newer laws that are trying to address the fact that many of us cannot say anything about what happened until many years later. Not sure what the laws might be in other countries, but it is certainly something to keep in mind.

And about the media, my own experience with such a tactic is that the newspaper would not print anything until there was some sort of "proof" or until the police formally charged the suspect. I am not sure how I feel about such a position... I can see good arguments on both sides. I just mention it here because it is another thing to keep in mind.

PAS, I know it is a shitty shitty situation for you and hubby-to-be, but hang in there. Our worldly legal systems are hard pressed to satisfy our thirst for justice/revenge on even their best days. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is the determination to one day be able to laugh in the face of my abuse. To say, try though it may, the world could not beat me.

_________________________
"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich

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