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#59316 - 12/27/05 02:58 PM stages of recovery/what to expect
beautifuldisaster Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/05
Posts: 85
Loc: usa
Hey all...
Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays....
I did want to ask what to expect out of my husband now that he actively working on his recovery.
When he was home over the holiday for 3 days he was weepy. Tearing up at the drop of a hat over anything emotional.
Seeing my great big strong man feeling real feelings and emotions made me so happy.
I actually see a hole in the wall he has between us and him peeking out!
I AM SO AMAZED AND HAPPY!!!! (thank you survivors, f/f and Jesus for all your support to get to this beautiful point!!!!)

Okay, I am celebrating...but still wanted to ask...
what do I expect?
Are there usual steps/patterns....stages?
I know there is still a long road ahead of us, and not all of it pretty...
I just thought it would be really helpful/useful to know what direction things can take and what might be expected.

Again, thank you and xoxoxoxoxo!!

_________________________
I AM THE MASTER OF MY DREAMS,
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL-

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#59317 - 12/27/05 10:19 PM Re: stages of recovery/what to expect
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beautiful disaster,

That's great news! Just as significant as the fact that he is FEELING emotions is the fact that he is SHARING this with you. He has taken the step of trusting you when he doesn't even know if he can trust himself.

I would not worry too much about stages or patterns. On the few occasions when I tried to plan something or figure out how something would go, it all went out the window in a second anyway. High emotions and the needs of the moment took care of that!

I am sure you are picking up a lot here, and what will count so much is the spontaneity of your responses to him. What he will need most is to see that his feelings are honored and not used to judge him, while at the same time you are strong for yourself and your own sense of boundaries.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59318 - 12/29/05 04:36 AM Re: stages of recovery/what to expect
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Steps... oh sure! Two forward, one back. Three forward, two back. Two more back. Three forward, one and a half forward, one forward, one forward-- two back. I think that's how it was for us. :p

Seriously, beautifuldisaster-- expect the best, because as hard as it gets at times, it is all better than it used to be.


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#59319 - 12/29/05 05:27 AM Re: stages of recovery/what to expect
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
SAR,

I love your perspective on this!!! \:\)

Much love and big hugs,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#59320 - 12/29/05 06:03 AM Re: stages of recovery/what to expect
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
SAR AND LARRY,

Things that make you go hmmm! I sure hope that this gets somewhat easier. I have to admit I wake up singing, have been reaching out and contacting old and not so old friends and find that things like a new babies, random gifts of kindness and reruns of "Little House On The Prarie" bring tears of joy to my eyes. I have learned to ask for help, give help and consider the feelings of others before I make any comments. I guess my past abuse upsets me much, much, much less as I am now to see I have allot more living to do. Just recently I have looked at my siblings and recognize what good people they are. I no longer need them to validate my abuse and continue develop my skills and interest as a person.

I sometimes read or see interactions and see how abusive they are. These upset me and I take a break and count my blessings. I have to admit that this seems to occur less and less (1-2 weekly).

Happy New Year!


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#59321 - 01/12/06 10:09 PM Re: stages of recovery/what to expect
beautifuldisaster Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/05
Posts: 85
Loc: usa
Thank you all for you input.
This may contain *****Triggers******
This has been a very interesting time for us, and for me to observe him and watch him change.
I stand steady and supportive, most of the time...sometimes the changes are taking me by suprise. They arent bad changes at all. They are very good, but unexpected and it takes time to let them sink in.
One thing I have noticed however, is if he makes a change it is full on.
For example anything regarding sex, he was very up and down in that category. We had trouble with infidelity etc. Out of the CLEAR BLUE SKY he is directing all that energy to me via text messages, phone calls...and when he was here for Christmas in person. It is hard to understand how he could be sexually turned off by me and our intimacy for 3 years (more turned off than on) and now is FULL ON.
In my head, although receiving it well....I wonder if this is him forcing it and trying to correct it or if the swing and shift could really be so HUGE.
Anyhow, there are other things...such as dealing with feelings etc that he is doing similar things with. This one part blows me away the most however.

Take care, and again...thanks!
xo

_________________________
I AM THE MASTER OF MY DREAMS,
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL-

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#59322 - 01/12/06 11:10 PM Re: stages of recovery/what to expect
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Beautifuldisaster,

I know just what you mean.

My boyfriend had a sudden (to me) realization that his sex life was something he could reclaim from the SA and be proud of, just like the rest of his life. I think when survivors do all this work and something "clicks" like that it can be really motivating, and give them the power to take some big steps.

The initial "who are you and what did you do with my sexually indifferent partner" phase did pass-- not because he'd been forcing it. Just because it is a process and that is the first area of his life that tends to get messy in stressful times. But there were some great, permanent changes made in terms of communicating and generally building confidence.

The biggest, best change is that he is finally able to TELL ME honestly when he's not feeling like he can be intimate for whatever reason-- instead of getting insulting or picking a fight about something unrelated.

I know how difficult it is for most guys, survivor or not, to tell a partner that he doesn't want to-- and my boyfriend being willing to have that kind of trust and vulnerability with me helps me believe that he does care about me and how his "ups and downs" affect me, even when we go through some rough patches with our intimate life.


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