Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
6 registered (HD001, Obi, Johnnygolightly, lapchinj, 2 invisible), 17 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63375 Topics
443148 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#59182 - 12/15/05 05:47 PM Re: Is/Was the idea of getting married frightening?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Larry,

Thanks. That actually sounds like a pretty good plan. I'll have to let it play out when the subject comes up again - which it will.

As for the cats and the pitbull, yeah, should be interesting. I love them all, my b/f only has eyes for the dog but he'll tolerate the cats. I've had them both since they were a couple of weeks old and certainly for as long as he knows me so he knows there's no messing with them. Besides, one is almost 14 and the other is about 8, they go nowhere.

The problem is not my b/f, but the dog. She's really, really animal aggressive. I don't think she's ever even seen a cat, but I don't have a warm fuzzy feeling about their first meeting. \:\(

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#59183 - 12/18/05 12:33 AM Re: Is/Was the idea of getting married frightening?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
please understand i'm just a stupid kid ,but shouldn't somebody be thinking about your feelings?i don't think you should have to walk on egg shells all the time because somebody might say the wrong thing.i'll admit i don't see things the way most people do i even feel different from the other survivors here ,due to the way i grew up ,maybe it's because i never had basic things that other people even survivors take for granted .iwhen i come to the family and friends forum ,i know there won't be any posts to me or about me ,i have no family and never stayed in one place long enough to have a real friend ,so i kinda come here to get an idea of what it would be like .when i see a post like yours i kinda have to say what the hell is that guy thinking ,does he know i would cut my arm off to have someone ,anyone like you in my life. you talk about holding him and talking about whatever he is feeling ,i wonder if either of you understand just what you are doing for him just by being there ,i can't stress enough how wonderfull that sounds to someone like me .i think to myself ,if i had a girlfriend like that ,i could get over this shit in no time ,i would be miles ahead of somebody like me .if i had someone to talk it out with i wouldn't have to act it out later ,i could tell them how much anger is inside before it comes out in negetive ways . i also think if i had someone who would never do anything to upset me ,never question my motives ,would put their hopes and dreams on hold and constantly walk around on eggshells for fear of triggering me ,well you know what ,i would never want to get better ,why should i ?it is so easy to fall into the trap of being pitied ,to be treated special because of what happened to us ,i guess even i want to think somebody might feel sorry for me ,but you know what, if i get better, recover from it as much as i can then who will feel sorry for me then ? i said it's a trap and it is maybe he thinks if he gets his life together then you won;'t feel that he needs you . i been reading some books about recovery ,one of them says that without even knowing it family and friends of survivors can become what is called enablers ,they enable us to stay in the sad and hurt state because they care ,we see that caring as something we can't live without ,but without the abuse to hold us together ,i might have to let a little slack in the rope my abuse has tied to both of us ,i might have to stand on my own two feet instead of leaning on my girlfriend all the time ,i think you have carried him long enough ,now don't get me wrong pleaseeee i'm not saying leave him heaven forbid ,but maybe you could respond to his statement about pressuring ,by saying our friends asked a logical question and i shouldn't have to feel bad for giving a logical answer .survivors tend to think it is all about them but you are a person with feelings also ,you shouldn't have hide them .what i'm trying to get out is if you offered to carry me for the rest of my life ,i would never walk again . i don't like being me but being you has to be even harder ,you are suffering many of the effects of being abused right along with him ,but you weren't abused ,how strong is someone who would choose to share this awfull pain and confusion out of love ,we were forced into the life we lead ,but you have a choice and you chose to suffer along with him ,that is priceless . i guess i just need someone so bad i can't understand anyone not worshipping the ground you walk on . maybe a little tuff love ,yes i'll be supportive ,yes i'll hold you ,and cry with you ,but i am a person also and i shouldn't have to give up anything to be here with you .sorry i'm rambling adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#59184 - 12/18/05 02:09 AM Re: Is/Was the idea of getting married frightening?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Adam,

Wow, you have some very strong feelings about this and the fact that you put me in such a high place is a little disconcerting, but much appreciated.

First off, you're a kid yes, but stupid? Not by a long shot. Youth and inexperience, by fate or design does not equal stupid.

Your story and my b/fís story are very different, but you share one horrible truth. Your families were crap. You were both thrown away, in different ways for sure, but the pain of that fact has the same devastating effects. A glaring difference in the way you are looking at things now and the way he does, is that youíre 21 and have already made great strides in your efforts to recover from the hell you went through. Heís 45 and just starting. What Iím saying is that heís got a lot more denial time under his belt.

The wives and girlfriends here arenít celestial beings we just do everything we can to learn about s/a and itís effects and how to deal with that with the men we love. After my b/f disclosed to me, it actually explained a lot of his behaviors, both good and bad. We talked about that and he was shocked that I had noticed certain things. He also learned a few things about himself that I pointed out and that heíd never seen or thought about before.

I canít speak for everyone, but I think Iím pretty representative of the majority. We do SOMETIMES walk on eggshells if there is a subject that we see is particularly hard, but believe me, not always and never for long. I may hold off for a day or two, or even a week, before broaching a subject with him that I feel we need to deal with, but thatís OK. The fact that heís a survivor does make his reactions to things different and it does make a lot of things harder for him. Thatís why I come here and ask for advice; itís why I read a gazilion posts from other wives and girlfriends so that I know Iím not alone and I know that Iím not the only one having the feelings I have. We have a comradery just like you guys do and itís really nice to know that none of us are alone. When I get a reply from a survivor its great, because itís like being able to take a little peak into my b/fís mind and maybe get a little bit of a heads up as to how a particular subject will be received, or, if itís already happened, why he reacted the way he did. There are lot of people whoíve been down this road before me and who are willing to let me know where the potholes are; Iíll take all the information I can get.

You said:

Quote:
maybe he thinks if he gets his life together then you wonít feel that he needs you
I don't want him to need me so much that it cripples him; he's had enough of that, besides, I know he doesnít need me, certainly not that way. Heís lived his life 100% on his own since he was 15. My b/f is a great guy who never depended on anyone. The fact that he leans on me a little is more than OK with me. I lean on him too. As long as weíre not both leaning in different directions, itís all good.

My boyfriend has a therapist and she is not me. Iím his girlfriend, thatís enough of a job for me, thank you very much. Please donít take that negatively because it isnít meant that way at all. Itís just that being Ĺ of a couple is hard work for anyone who cares to make that couple a success. I want a success story, so while he goes to his T and his meetings, I come here and I ask questions and I learn so that when he needs to talk, I feel like I can be the support he needs.

Lastly Adam, I do take care of me. Iím actually quite important to me:). When you read posts in F&F, youíre usually seeing the most vulnerable, raw side of us, but just like with you guys, it isnít the whole picture, just the one that needs a little mending.

ROCK ON.................Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#59185 - 12/20/05 06:06 PM Re: Is/Was the idea of getting married frightening?
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Hi people

Hope you don't mind but I've continued this as another thread because I think its really very interesting and I hope other survivors will contribute. Its a very hard one to balance I find between being understanding and feeling as if youre compomising yourself too much.


Lots of love

Tracy


Top
#59186 - 12/20/05 07:06 PM Re: Is/Was the idea of getting married frightening?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
No problem Tracy. Let's see what develops.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.