Little by little in the last 3 months things have started to change and move forward slowly but firmly. Especially in the last month since my boyfriend made a major breakthrough in regard to his recovery.
Before (for about 7 months) days were pretty pretty hard. He would come home feeling depressed, disconnected, sad, extremely sad, angry, lost, hopeless, lonely, guilty, worthless... He was complaining of many somatic symptoms, stomach aches, nauseas, headaches, asthma,etc. Sometimes he would not come home and wonder in a park afraid of making a move forward.
My boyfriends life was reduced to going to work in an automatic pilot to just collapse at weekends. And mine was reduced to be there for him no matter what, no matter how bad he was feeling, no matter how bad I was feeling... Everything was very difficult for both of us. Like it is for so many of yous , survivors, partners, family, friends.
In the last 10 months we have spent (more so he) hours and hours talking, sharing, crying sometimes until the sunrise. Sometimes all were tears. And poetry..and embraces... or just silence. We learnt together how to adapt ourselves so that he could deal with the nightmares, flashbacks, triggers, memories and depressions. We learnt together how to adapt ourselves so that I could deal with the sadness, the pain, the uncertainty, the anger of seeing my loved one devastated and yet trying so hard to come out, to regain himself, to heal.
Now reading my posts and my diary I have acknowledged how big the change has been in both. My partner and me. Lately he is positive, happy to be alive, proud of himself and confident about his potential. He has recovered his passion about playing music and writing poetry. He is enjoying little things, a cold breeze in a crispy morning, a gig full of sensations, my skin, his good memories... I am discovering a free man who is experiencing some things for the first time, and is full of dreams...
He has found himself.
All I want to say is thank you to all of you. You all in a way or another have helped me to understand and keep me strong to be there for him, to make this happen.
Thank you again for being who you are.