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#59047 - 04/16/04 12:21 PM Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
freightlinerflatbed Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/13/04
Posts: 3
Loc: Northern Indiana
After posting the following message, reading replies, doing research and willing it not to be true, I sat down with my son this afternoon and had a serious heart to heart with him.


I have an 8 yo son who has always been curious about sexuality until recently. It's gotten out of hand. He had his brother inserting a Patrick Starfish (from Spongebob) rectally, kissed or sucked his 3 yo sisters naked butt (not sure which, she keeps changing the story and he wont' tell the truth), and he asked her to "suck his pee-pee"

Now tonight, I catch him and his 7 yo cousin with their jeans down, underware still up....

Okay, this is beyond normal. I have 4 other boys besides him. What should I do? Admit him to behavior health care - inpatient? I'm a neonatalpediatric ICU nurse and this is beyond me...


Omitting the blow by blow question/answer part of it all, and getting down to the ‘big question’ I asked… during that pause before answering, I saw “that look” in his eyes. My heart fell thru the floor. Then there was that hesitation…this can’t be happening…and he minimized the situation I believe. At one point he even told me he was lying to me…told him to tell the truth and the story slightly changed…but I don’t believe he’s told me all of it yet…that’s okay. Baby steps are better than silence and submission…

I emphasized how much he was loved, and no matter what happened he wasn’t in any trouble at all and mommie wasn’t mad at him at all. Told him Dad would blow a gasket but he needed to ignore his dad sometimes and in this he needed not to pay attention to the things like he said the other night. (I could just kick his ass sometimes) Daddy was mad at what happened but not at him…. I even brought him to this site and shared part of a story with him to see that it really did happen to others…(thank you)…I am so grateful for all of the help I have received…you are all wonderful…

So to get to the point – he boiled it down to his “friend” telling him that he needed to come home and tell his sister what he told her. I pray that after considering everything I said and thinking about it he will be able to come to me with the rest of the story.

So what do I do now? Should I talk to his teacher about this other child in his class? Leave it alone and hope he comes to me if there is another incident? I don't want to keep pushing him and then have him not come to me a t all. I don’t know what to do and I want to help my son in every way that I can. I don’t want him to have to live with this pain.

Anyone who's been here, with any advice would be a lot of help.

Thanks to all.

Audra


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#59048 - 04/16/04 12:33 PM Re: Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
If you spend enough time here reading the posts, you will find that "one time" is enough to cause permanent damage. Parents will also have an inner desire to disbelieve that anything like this happened, and to want it all to just go away on it's own. There are a number of other things that parents will do that actually promote all of this stuff. What you need to do is get him help. Get him in therapy. Find out who else if anybody he has done anything to. Be honest, and try to help to get them help. And find out who has done things to your son, and do something about that also. You can only help him if you are Pro Active about this. Be prepared to find answers that you don't like.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#59049 - 04/16/04 12:56 PM Re: Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I really don't know what to say to you that will help. I don't have kids, although I have neices and nephews I love very much. I feel your anger and sadness and, I really don't know if I should say this because it has to do with my issues and not yours, I felt an emotional flashback. My 11-year-old me avoiding my eyes and admitting what my abuser had done to him and made him do.

Is the person you think is abusing your child the same age as your child or older? It sounds that it goes WAY beyond "normal sex play," so there appears to be a power issue. And, sad to say, age carries power.

He needs professional help to deal with this, and the abuser needs to be stopped. If your son is being abused, there are others. It HAS to end now. And your son NEEDS to get the poison he's dealing with out of his system.

Talk to professionals at the school and see what they can offer you in terms of counselling, therapy, family support, etc. Because it also involves your family too. You will need help in dealing with your very-understandable emotions. If anyone ever hurt my neices and nephews, regardless of age, I'd want to kill them, so I can only imagine what you're feeling.

Keep telling your son what you have been. It's right, and you're doing EXACTLY what you need to. I wish I had a father who cared about me as much. He NEEDS a strong male support who can help him through this.

That's about all I can tell you. You all will be in my thoughts. Please don't hesitate in coming back here. There's an awful lot of wisdom in helping with abuse.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#59050 - 04/16/04 02:13 PM Re: Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
freightlinerflatbed Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/13/04
Posts: 3
Loc: Northern Indiana
This is a boy in his class so he is the same age. He also calls him a 'friend'

There have been times when he has come home very angry at him and said he's not his friend any more. I ask him what happened and he'll reply with a typical schoolyard disagreement...but I wonder now if maybe those times are times when something else has happened...


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#59051 - 04/16/04 03:09 PM Re: Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
Robby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 17
Loc: Texas
Your child needs therapy. You need to get it for him..


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#59052 - 04/16/04 03:10 PM Re: Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
You can get back to the "What ifs" later. Concentrate on the "What now". for the time being. He needs you. He needs your help. He needs your support. He needs you to be strong for him. He needs you to intervene and do things for him. He can't do them on his own. He doesn't know enough about any of this to do what he should.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#59053 - 04/16/04 04:00 PM Re: Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Audra,

The guys are right. Your son needs help and support right now. You should be camping out in that school until you can find out what exactly is going on in his classroom. The teacher and the school social worker should both be informed.

What you describe is beyond normal childhood curiousity, this doesn't sound like something that any eight year old boy could come up with on his own. His "friend" is probably getting all of this from somewhere too. By intervening now you have the chance to keep two children from living with this pain.

Do not let anyone, your husband, people at the school, ANYONE, make your son feel like he is dirty or sick or will be punished for talking about anything that has happened to him. Let him know that you are on his side and that you trust him and think he is a brave and honest boy.


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#59054 - 04/16/04 04:12 PM Re: Nightmare becomes reality - trigger?
swartzhund Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 61
Loc: Michigan
Theres lots of good advice here.

Based on my own experience your son is either being abused and passing the knowledge along or his friend is being abused and passing it to your son. Either way, take the advice and do whatever it takes to make it stop and be suportive.

_________________________
Brian

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