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#58976 - 11/27/05 01:17 AM When the Tears Come
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
When the Tears Come

Last night, after a fun evening, my b/f and I got home, talked a bit about our friends, mostly good *L* and then started watching a movie. He feel asleep in the recliner so after the movie was over and I brushed my teeth, I woke him to come up to bed. He was silly and a bit randy, but to be honest, I was tired and happy to just go to sleep. He kept teasing and making jokes and the next thing I know, we were have sex. Even though I originally wanted to go to sleep, I wasn’t really bothered by it. When we finished, my b/f suddenly collapsed and started to cry saying how sorry he was. I was shocked! I told him there was nothing he needed to feel sorry for. But he insisted that he should not have done that because I wanted to go so sleep. I kept telling him it was OK. He didn’t “force” anything on me, I was wide awake and participating so he had nothing to be sorry for. Nothing I said could calm him. He kept saying how he hated when this happens. I told him I did too, because of how much I saw him hurt, but that it was OK.

After fits and starts of tears and getting up and back into bed for a ½ hour or so, he finally curled up like a child with his head on my chest and fell asleep, for a whopping 3 hours.

Friday nights seem to have evolved into the nights that we talk about the abuse he suffered. It wasn’t planned that way, it just happens. Last night though, I didn’t think we were going to talk because he never brought anything up. When my b/f started to cry after we made love, I didn’t know what to do.

I was reading in Tracy’s thread about the difficulty in dealing with the tears, but I’m still a bit perplexed because nothing like this has ever happened before. He’s cried with me, I’m perfectly OK with that and can deal, but the way it happened last night has me upset.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58977 - 11/27/05 03:16 AM Re: When the Tears Come
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

All I can tell you here is that for a survivor there is so much emotional overload in all this that it's very difficult to keep control, especially when you are early on in the process of dealing with your abuse.

Just last night, for example, I was sitting with my parents, younger sister and a safe friend at our kitchen table after dinner. I started feeling afraid and trembling, and within a minute I was crying and sobbing about how I was afraid it could all start again at any time. My Dad held my hand and we talked about it, and five minutes later I was okay. I really can't explain what happened, just that it did.

This might be one for guys like Ken or Howard to comment on - I don't have an explanation. I can just say that you are not doing anything wrong. This just seems to be part of the trauma sometimes.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58978 - 11/27/05 08:57 AM Re: When the Tears Come
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Trish,

Larry is spot on. I too can testify that incidents like you described can come out of nowhere. Sometimes they get triggered so quickly that I don't even know what it was that triggered it. A smell, a thought, a sound maybe, who knows.

Other times something happens that reminds me of when... That's all it takes and the tears start to come, and the shaking, and the fear.

For me the best thing my wife can do when these incidents occur is to just hold me and let me cry. Don't try to solve it for me or ask me what's wrong, and above all, don't tell me it'll be alright. There'll be time enough for that later. Right now I just need to be held and feel your love.

That's what I need. I suspect most of us guys are pretty much the same. Someone with more initials behind their name than me should know more about it than I.

I wish you the best Trish,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#58979 - 11/27/05 08:57 AM Re: When the Tears Come
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Hey Trish !
I think you did just the right thing telling him you were ok with it and he didn't force you in anyway.
Your post make me react on 2 things:
1) your bf feeling guilty about initiating sex and enjoying himself (ie : the playfulness at the beginning)
2) the fear inside to transform into an abuser and therefore the difficulty to let go of inhibition.
So the crying was definitely a release of some deep emotions. The looks like a positive sign to me !
About the Friday thing, have you discussed with your bf about the possible meaning of that ? Has his first abuse started on a Friday ? have you heard of the "anniversary syndrome" (not sure of the translation ! )? It is one concept of psychogenealogy.
Warmest regards
Caro

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#58980 - 11/30/05 02:45 AM Re: When the Tears Come
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Larry, John and Caro,

Thanks. For right now, I'm just going to chalk this one up to a breakdown at a bad time that had little or nothing to really do with me.

I'm pretty sure that it was his incorrect feeling that he "forced" me into something I didn't want that trigged it. I'll have to be more aware and more careful of how things evolve and hopefully avoid a repeat of that particular scenario.

Caro, I don't know about the "anniversary syndrome." You could be on the money, but I don't feel comfortable asking him that and I don't think he'd tell me even if I did. There is a tremendous amount that he keeps to himself and I believe that will continue for a long time. He's just not ready so I won't push.

ROCK ON............Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58981 - 11/30/05 11:32 PM Re: When the Tears Come
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hey Trish,

I know that my boyfriend did work in therapy on his attitudes about sex and the feeling he had that his understanding of sex had never really evolved past the age of his abuse-- he wanted to feel that it was a more mutual, adult thing but was confused about how to put his new feelings into practice. He shared some of it with me and it made our relations kind of complicated for a while. I don't want to go into a lot of detail here but it's possible that this stuff is just on his mind and he's not sure what to do with it.

SAR


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#58982 - 12/01/05 01:03 AM Re: When the Tears Come
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks SAR,

I know that one of the problems my b/f has is the control thing, even in the bedroom. He's NEVER malicious or hurtful, but always has to be the one in control. It's hard to know what's natural and what's brought on by his past experiences. This happens to work for me and for all of the years we've been together, I never thought about the why, until his disclosure to me. Now, I wonder if this is something I should back off of or not. It's difficult on so many levels. Our intimate life is very good, our appetites, wants and needs match up for the most part and when they don't, a simple word from me is all it takes to put things back on track.

It's very confusing. He hasn't brought anything up about the other night and neither have I. But I think I have to because it really is bothering me.

He always says I can ask him anything and talk to him about anything. He wants me to be brutally honest with him, but it's hard for me, now, because I know how hard it is for him to respond in kind.

My b/f's sexual prowess happens to be something he is not only proud of, I think he relies on it to define alot of who is he. The last thing I want to do is hurt him by questioning his sexual appetites and the whys of where they come from. On top of all the new stuff he's dealing with, I don't think he can handle that.

On second thought, I need to digest this more before we talk. I know he couldn't handle me questioning him. I know the man very well and I'm sure it would send him downhill very quickly.

He may or may not have talked to his T about this since it's part of what got him into therapy in the first place. Maybe I'll just use the incident that started this thread as a way to suggest that he does talk to her and see where that goes.

So many questions.......

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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