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#58915 - 11/21/05 12:57 PM under attack!
shell Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/27/05
Posts: 9
Hello everyone
I wonder if anyone can help with this-I am under attack from my husband!

brief bit of background....
My husband told his parents about 3 months ago that he was SA by his step brother. Not long after that we sought some support from a local organisation. My husband then got counselling and then thats when we found out about this site. We have both used it and found alot of help from it-despite the drama with his family things seemed as if they were heading in the direction of healing we were both accessing support and also reading about it. I should explain that when I say drama with his family, they did not believe him. His step dad and step brother called him an out and out liar. His mum on the other hand claimed to belive him but also asked him questions that made it clear that she didn't really belive him, like: are you sure it wasn't a dream!!!!shocking!
This has left my husband confused about everything I suppose, but especially his mum. She seems to have always had a manipulative knack with him of saying the right thing but then behaving in the opposite way. She wrote him a letter for example, after he had told his family, that ended saying that I will always be there for you and support you but the general purpose of the letter was to tell my husband to move on and telling him that she was going to move on-a cutting off letter really. They have not spoken since.

His relationship with his family has alway been a strained, he felt very controlled when he was at home and had little opportunity to express himself as a child or then a teenager. He never rebelled at all at home and was always seeking to please and not get into trouble with his step dad. Despite the set up he always has been wildly protective of his mum even though she has not really supported him in his education/work/marriage/life etc. I feel like she inappropriately set my husband up against his step dad and made him feel like he was the emotional support that she needed (even as a kid)as his step dad was not as supportive as she needed. He has therefor grown up feeling emotionally obliged to her and he has felt as though they had an extra especially close mother-son relationship. It has never looked that way to me, I have mainly seen her manipulating him through guilt to gain what she needs but somehow never managing to be there for him. Just like now I suppose.

the under attack bit.........
Well to get to the present and my point, for about a month I have been under attack from my husband. I have had a couple of really significant successes this month and he either ignored them completely or criticised me. I don't know why he can't be proud of me. Surely if I do well it reflects well on him and he also reaps the rewards-but he just acted jealously. And in the past week it has just become unbearable. He has been picking fights with me and saying provocative things to wind me up and not an hour has gone by without some new argument or fight. He doesn't seem to notice that he is doing it and seems genuinely unaware of the destruction path he is on. I am really worried that he is destroying the very thing that he needs for support-me and our family. We have two kids, five and two, who I think are also feeling the pressure of the constant stress. My husband just can't seem to see or feel that far though, like he can't see anything outside of himself. I suppose I'm wondering is this common? He had alot of difficulty being angry at his family for the occurance of the SA but then later also the disbelief and rejection of him. Is the anger now rising but coming out on the wrong person? and if so what can he do to channel it in a healthier direction? His treatment of me has been so appauling that I have felt as if I need to get him away from us (me and the kids)so that I can fix the damage that he's been doing. He's sending me nuts with his relentless negativity and psychological twists and turns. Nothing is logical it is all 100% mood led at the moment. I'm worried he's milking me dry and thats leaving me struggling to bring up the kids well. It's all breaking my heart, he knows this but doesn't seem to care. Is this because of his own pain?
I have tried to just ignore some of the bad comments or behaviour but he almost steps it up even more with more and more upset so that I cant't ignore it. It's like he's pushing me to reject him too. Is this a thing that happens? What can I do to break the cycle or is it up to him to realise and break it himself? He has no significant friends or family and I seem to be getting it all. He has got a counsellor and things seem to be going well but this is all still happening. He's really got it in for me and all I want to do is just provide some long needed love and security for him and us all, but everytime things seem to calm down abit and we all start to recover he's on another attack.
any experiences of this would be well appreciated I am just getting from day to day at the moment it would be great to provide some peace again.
thanks loads in advance
shell


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#58916 - 11/21/05 03:22 PM Re: under attack!
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Ah! that sounds like my story.
Yes, we push away the people we love because we feel we do not deserve them and many times it's easier to have that person angry at us then accept the love we do not deserve.

This healing adventure you are on is going to take time. I remember one argument where my wife yelled, "you've been working on this for a year now! Why aren't you better yet!?" All I could say was, "I don't know." We didn't understand at the time that healing has its own agenda and takes its own time.

The good news though, as he relieves this burdon he has carried all during his life with you and he really begins to heal, he will be better then the person you fell in love with in the first place.


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#58917 - 11/21/05 04:37 PM Re: under attack!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi shell,

Sounds familiar over here too... even down to the kids, I think that year when my oldest was five was one of the worst.

I think it is easy to focus on his family and direct your own anger their way-- and certainly they sound less than supportive-- but the snappish, negative, illogical behavior from your husband is probably more about what's going on in his own mind than anything else.

A lot of survivors go through a period like this where they just can't focus on, or be there for, anyone else. Like you say, can't see past themselves. And I'm sure that like a lot of survivors, he is VERY aware of his own shortcomings and failures, and he does care about you, and it's this combination that causes him to lash out, the way that Curtis says.

That doesn't mean you have to put up with the attacks and criticism. It does mean you might need to find your own sources of support and companionship for a while. Taking good care of yourself isn't rejecting him-- if you don't, you can't be there for him at all.

SAR


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#58918 - 11/22/05 03:10 AM Re: under attack!
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Shell,

I'm afraid I don't have any advice or insights to offer on this particular problem. All I can do is echo SAR's words. Take care of yourself; and if that means spending some more time with friends or your family to help you through, then so be it. It doesn't mean you're abandoning your husband, your just looking for some strength to hold yourself up while the business of life and raising kids goes on. We all need that sometimes.

I just wanted to lend another post of support.

Be well.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58919 - 11/22/05 04:17 AM Re: under attack!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shell,

I don't know if this will help much, but here goes. An abused boy's responses to what is happening to him can be very irrational; the abuse doesn't make sense, and no matter which way he turns there is no help or support or explanation. Finally he concludes that he himself is bad, and this becomes EXTREMELY important to him. Why? Because this gives him the "out" that he desperately needs. His abuse is his fault because he is bad and worthless, and if only he could change, then the abuse would stop.

This incredibly self-destructive>
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58920 - 11/22/05 07:09 AM Re: under attack!
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
I have to agree with Larry. I would add that you should try to pick your battles wisely. The other thing I would say is that it might help for you to spend some time with a counselor. He/she will have insight into what is happening with both of you.

Looking back on my own experience, I have decided that my wife should be made a saint. I don't know how she put up with me, but she did. She was also very quick to set me straight when I was being an ass and walking all over her.

I wish you good things as you go through this with your husband.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#58921 - 11/22/05 03:23 PM Re: under attack!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
She was also very quick to set me straight when I was being an ass and walking all over her.
I'm on the fast track to sainthood! ;\)

I like your signature, John, who said it?


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#58922 - 11/23/05 01:39 AM Re: under attack!
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
SAR,

I found that quote at the following link . I do not know if the author is the person who wrote the article or not. I Googled it and found it on 3 other websites other than MS or the link above. No direct credit was given on any of them.

I like the quote also, obviously. It is my goal in life to provide the help spoken of to those that are travling the road behind me.

Thanks for your kind words and your humor ;\) .

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#58923 - 11/23/05 08:48 PM Re: under attack!
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Shell

Maybe you could kill two birds with one stone and tell him, very very firmly, that you are in this for the long haul and theres no way you'll put up with xyz, not now and not in x years time.

That way he'll know that you are not rejecting him but will also know what youre boundaries are.

I've said this before but couple councelling has saved the day numerous times for D and I. You'll know if thats a possibility for you two but if he's reluctant you could try and "sell" it too him on the basis that you want a long long happy life with him and, for you, this is part of achieving just that. As hard as this is for him at the moment, your relationship is not just about him.

Love and hugs in what must a very difficult time for you all

Tracy


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