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#58861 - 11/25/05 10:02 AM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thanks so much for that

What you say makes a lot of sense. I'll go back to that book and have another read, we have the mike lew book. I think one of the hard things for me at the moment is that he is soo protective about "his story" and I don't his permission to talk to anyone else about it, only to post here, so I think this is where I do my hand wringing if you like.

I'm sure this won't last. He feels as if the whole thing is so revolting and is still so guilty and shameful he hasn't yet forgiven himself, but I'm really confident he'll get there. hmmmm hope so very much anyway.

Thanks again H and I'm glad you guys seem to be doing well, its great to hear other peoples success'.

Love

Tracy


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#58862 - 11/26/05 12:42 AM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Tracy,

I remember so well the first time I really let loose the flood gates and cried with my wife over all the sh** that happened to me so many years ago. My wife and I were in a Motel 6, of all places, in Petaluma California, 600 miles from home. We woke up in the morning and started talking while still in bed.

Next think I knew I had my head tilted back and was crying so loud I fear if any neighbors were still asleep they got awakened rather rudely. I cried and cried. She just held me and told me to let it out as she stroked my hair. It was one of the most healing things I can remember ever happening. She remained calm and just let me cry, encouraging me along the way.

The only advise I can offer is for you to just be there and let it happen. Don't offer him Klenex or wipe his tears as it may make him feel inhibited or guilty. Just hold him and communicate that it's OK to cry. He'll love you for it.

Hope this helps.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#58863 - 11/26/05 12:50 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thats a wonderful story John thankyou.

Its helped clear things for me about making sure its about him. He's so adamant about no lies and keeping it real. I think he sees it as either truth or chaos and maybe I've taken that a bit too literally. I'll make sure if those tears come I'll stay very calm. As H says, our tears can come later. I might end up here again at that point.

Thanks again John, you have wise words.

Lots of love

Tracy


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#58864 - 11/26/05 06:32 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tracy,

The grief and fear will continue to come out at unexpected times. I guess it's a kind of purging of emotions. Just last night I collapsed into tears at the kitchen table, fearing that "it's all going to happen again and I can't stop him". Who the hell was that? Little Larry of course.

As John says, just let him get it out and be there for him. He needs to see that it is okay to cry and you don't think him less of a man if he cries. That is part of the macho nonsense that men carry around anyway.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58865 - 11/28/05 05:19 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thanks Larry

I've been thinking why I find this a hard one. I think its because its hard when he sees so much into what I say or do sometimes. Like the smiling assassin scenario!
Also there was something he said a while ago which upset me a lot once and I got really cross despite his protestations that I remember his situation.
I was uncompromising and he later said he found my "honest response" comforting. Like it reassured him that things between us are real.

I guess I've got that in the back of my mind in terms of grief. It would be honest to cry with and for him and if I don't would he interpret that as only pretending to care? As I type this I realise that actually I'm a bit on eggshells as to how he interprets me and my actions.

I guess thats understandable for both of us. We'll get through it. Were still comunicating well in general so I feel like even if I balls it up we can talk about it later.

Thanks all

love

tracy


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#58866 - 11/29/05 05:16 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tracy,

One thing crucial is never to back off of complete honesty. I have so often crossed swords with my wife over something, and then later I realize that all she was doing was being honest with me.

I think we really need that from our partners. Otherwise we are building on sand and will be disappointed and traumatized all over again when someone finally HAS to start getting very honest.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58867 - 12/03/05 02:06 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Larry

Once again you say something that speaks loud and clear. I think this sort of honesty is very important to D. What you say clarifys something for me.

If I dont speak the truth when he doesn't want to hear it how will he know its the truth when its something he does want to hear but finds hard to believe.

Thanks Larry, you're wise.

Love

Tracy


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#58868 - 12/03/05 08:25 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tracy,

Wisdom - hmmmmm, not sure. It's just that I have been married for 24 years to a wonderful, feisty and VERY opinionated woman!

When we have argued I am constantly called back to the point that, well, at least I DO know where I stand with her. She never fails me there. And I need that, especially with the rest of the things I am trying to deal with. She doesn't talk in circles and maneuver around me verbally - with her it's right between the eyes!

That is a pain sometimes, yes. But just as I need to relate to her honestly, she needs to give me the same in return. Otherwise she is left with the feeling (and by default, fact) that her issues and needs don't matter, and that my problems are going to trump the dynamics of the relationship at every turn until who knows when.

And there's a big up-side to it. Sure, I get told off for all my nonsense and shortcomings, but when she says she understands and supports me, I know she means it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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