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#58851 - 11/16/05 07:12 PM Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Hi

Nothing ground breaking to report but heres some new experiences for us..

He sleeps.
We have "made love" .
I'm back at work after 4 months and coping!
He has bought nice clothes for himself that are not grey, blue and grey and grey again.
Our couples councellor thinks we are doing great.
His councellor told him she enjoyed working with him and he believed her.
He has admited he's quite a good partner to be with.
I have a councellor who I like.
He has quit martial arts because he's realised he's unlikely to be attacked on an everyday basis.
He can see a future for himself.
He felt really sad and that made him pleased to bits.
He felt.
I can smile at him and he doesn't see a smiling assasin.
He has asked about Male Survivor. "Was that chap called Dave English then?" "Dave (LLOYDY) if you are still around for a 1-1 he is putting feelers out.

A massive thankyou to you everyone who posts messages of support and advise here. In those first few months you were a big solid tree I clung to. Thanks also to the all the administrators and moderators. What a service you provide.

Lots of love

Tracy


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#58852 - 11/16/05 07:29 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Tracy,

How wonderful for you both. You say it's nothing ground breaking, but it so is. The night my b/f sleeps all the way through without it being an alcohol induced sleep, will be the day I jump for joy all around town. It won't be any less momentous than the first night my daughter slept all the way through as an infant. That was huge stept in her life and mine and so will this be when it happens.

I'm glad your back to work and coping. That means alot to you so that you can see more of your own self worth without it being tied only to how your loved one is functioning. Cheers to you!

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58853 - 11/16/05 11:29 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Tracy
I just love good news -
Quote:
He felt.
- and that's GOOD news, none of the others would be possible without that small but very important fact.

PM me Tracy, I'm still here.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58854 - 11/17/05 12:13 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
Lady Rock Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/23/05
Posts: 25
Loc: Pennsylvania
Tracey, I'm really happy to hear this.......Love, LR


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#58855 - 11/18/05 09:45 AM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thanks guys, I guess youre right Trish they are all ground breaking really.

Each and every one has had there own celebration, its funny because there seems to be a direct corelation between the scale of the step forward and the mutedness of the outward response even if he describes something as monumental to him. I think for every step he takes closer to knowing himself there is a dose of shock and then profound sadness steps in for a while. EG with the clothes, he thought his favourite colour was grey / blue. As he's started feeling less afraid yellow, green and rust seem to be drawing his eye!! This has pleased, upset and saddened him in that order.

Even after he disclosed the CSA to me it still took our GP, couples councellor and then latterly his therapist to explain that CSA can cause confusion about a persons sexuality. I remember at our first appointment, in response to his incredulous face when she suggested it, the couples councellor rubbed her chin and said hmmm... abused by a male in woods, you meeting men in toilets and then trying to persuade them to go to nearby woodland with you and repeat the same sex act.... I'm not a CSA expert but I'd say that ones worth exploring.

Dave, thanks for that, its actually D who seems to be feeling around the edge of talking to someone other than me / therapist. He has said that he doesn't think he's up to reading about other mens sadness just yet, but has picked up on a few random things I've said about yourself, eg, your councelling knowledge, the fact that you were a moderator, you know yourself pretty well and youre from Blighty! Its a trust thing methinks.
I'm pretty sure that if he does make contact with MS he'l prefer to do it as a one to one to begin with. Also he feels as if he's not nice enough to contribute generally and may upset someone. I've tried to reassure him how many really lovely people there are and I've scored an own goal really, if I'd said you were all sarcastic and angry he'd probably feel easier about coming here!!! actually I don't think I could have won either way...

Lady Rock

Hope your loved ones arrivd OK, maybe he's still on his way? Anyway the concert was fab, and I dedicte the last song to him. It was about going home!! Tell him if he hasn't heard of White Stipes he can do the young and hip thing and buy an album. Maybe Elephant, I think its their second one.

Love to you all

Tracy


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#58856 - 11/22/05 08:59 AM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
That is fantastic Tracy!

That's great news. I think is crucial that the good news are shared in order to help and encourage others to see that recovery is possible and brings so many great feelings for both the survivor and partner. As you said: "these days are worked for".

In regard to my boyfriend, he has recently dealt with a key element of the trauma as a result of the very hard work done in the last 10 months.

He has discovered that many of his fears/bad feelings (betray, lies, tricks, premeditation, abandonment, rejection, sense of worthlessness, etc) come from a physical act committed by the perp when abusing him. He has realized the huge impact that this has had on him all his life cause somehow he has acted out on this making him feel betrayed, lied, worthless. Until two weeks ago...

This new revelation has brought answers, a great sense of relief and being in control. This is helping him to distinguish between what emotions/feelings are associated/caused by the abuse and which ones are not. In other words he has finally found himself as he can see that not everything in his character is a result of the abuse (he thought this before). In fact very little is related to the abuse. And as the time goes on he is less and less affected by it.
He can drawn a perfect line now between both as well as the present and the past. As a result he has realized that it is much easier now to beat the fears. Cause HE KNOWS WHO HE IS(he has been struggling with this for the last 10 months)

These are truly changing times.... for the better
XXX


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#58857 - 11/22/05 01:24 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Wow, I was off the site for a few days and now I find this!!!! Great news Tracy! I am so happy for you.

Dave points out the importance of the fact that he says he feels. Here's another one: he feels sadness. A survivor who hates himself doesn't feel sad - because he doesn't think he deserves happiness. This is so important that he looks back and can grieve at what happened to him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58858 - 11/22/05 02:43 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I too would echo Dave and Larry. The fact that he feels, especially sadness, is a monumental step. It was for me. It was so liberating to be able to feel anything at all besides anger.

When I began to feel I wept for days. I think I did a pretty good job of hiding it from my family, but I wept. I figured I could handle it on my own and things would sort themselves out. Huh!

The fact that he has you by his side through this and is not facing it alone is such a plus for him.

I wish you the best.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#58859 - 11/23/05 08:01 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thanks everyone,

John

Its a nice coincidence that you'd be around with those words just now because D had a therapy session on Monday. At the end of the session he thanked his therapist for being "a wonderful guide" he then said he'd made so such progress but was concerned that he hadn't really grieved....... then, for the first time, he cried. He has either cried or been on the verge of crying since.

He says he feels sadness for how his life has been the last 24 years. The acting out, the fear, the isolation, the anxiety. He is sooo sad. He says he cant really feel sad for that little boy but as you guys have said.... he's feeling!!!

I'm now faced with a bit of a new struggle.. to be glad that he can feel and show the sadness. I know how awful it was when he said he felt like oscar schindler but was doing all the collapsing on the inside and I need to be .. well, happy for him that its all coming out but it doesn't half make me sad too. I'm torn between being bright and encouarging for him and crying too, he hasn't yet cried openly in front of me. It feels most honest to cry too but at the same time I dont want him to feel that as a pressure.

Any guidance welcome otherwise I'll stick to honest expression but making sure it doesn't become about me too much. I think thats my fear that he'll be distracted from his own grief and just feel sorry for me. Am I overcomplicating this?

T




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#58860 - 11/24/05 09:42 AM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Tracy,

I know how difficult it is to be supportive and yet be strong for our partners when they are suffering. We are in the situation where we have to "hide" our feelings of sadness from them. And this is very difficult. But this does not mean that we have to hide our sadness from us.

When my boyf cries in front of me (and it took him a while to feel comfortable expressing sadness as this was sth completely new for him)I sit beside him, quiet, not distracting him from his feelings, letting him let out his emotions and reassuring that crying is a good thing, is a natural thing. Crying means that he is sensitive, caring, human,etc. As Mike L said: tears are the lubricant that allows recovery move forward. They are healthy and necessary.You'll see how after crying he feels tired but much calmer and with a sense of relief.

As for me I do let out my own sadness with my mum or my friends but not with him. As Mike L says in his book: this would only create two victims.
Another risk is that he could feel guilty of making you suffer and therefore he might withdraw
from you and hide his feelings. Creating a safe environment means that he will feel 100% confortable to express himself :-)

This way works perfectly for us.
XXX
H


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#58861 - 11/25/05 10:02 AM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thanks so much for that

What you say makes a lot of sense. I'll go back to that book and have another read, we have the mike lew book. I think one of the hard things for me at the moment is that he is soo protective about "his story" and I don't his permission to talk to anyone else about it, only to post here, so I think this is where I do my hand wringing if you like.

I'm sure this won't last. He feels as if the whole thing is so revolting and is still so guilty and shameful he hasn't yet forgiven himself, but I'm really confident he'll get there. hmmmm hope so very much anyway.

Thanks again H and I'm glad you guys seem to be doing well, its great to hear other peoples success'.

Love

Tracy


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#58862 - 11/26/05 12:42 AM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Tracy,

I remember so well the first time I really let loose the flood gates and cried with my wife over all the sh** that happened to me so many years ago. My wife and I were in a Motel 6, of all places, in Petaluma California, 600 miles from home. We woke up in the morning and started talking while still in bed.

Next think I knew I had my head tilted back and was crying so loud I fear if any neighbors were still asleep they got awakened rather rudely. I cried and cried. She just held me and told me to let it out as she stroked my hair. It was one of the most healing things I can remember ever happening. She remained calm and just let me cry, encouraging me along the way.

The only advise I can offer is for you to just be there and let it happen. Don't offer him Klenex or wipe his tears as it may make him feel inhibited or guilty. Just hold him and communicate that it's OK to cry. He'll love you for it.

Hope this helps.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#58863 - 11/26/05 12:50 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thats a wonderful story John thankyou.

Its helped clear things for me about making sure its about him. He's so adamant about no lies and keeping it real. I think he sees it as either truth or chaos and maybe I've taken that a bit too literally. I'll make sure if those tears come I'll stay very calm. As H says, our tears can come later. I might end up here again at that point.

Thanks again John, you have wise words.

Lots of love

Tracy


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#58864 - 11/26/05 06:32 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tracy,

The grief and fear will continue to come out at unexpected times. I guess it's a kind of purging of emotions. Just last night I collapsed into tears at the kitchen table, fearing that "it's all going to happen again and I can't stop him". Who the hell was that? Little Larry of course.

As John says, just let him get it out and be there for him. He needs to see that it is okay to cry and you don't think him less of a man if he cries. That is part of the macho nonsense that men carry around anyway.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58865 - 11/28/05 05:19 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Thanks Larry

I've been thinking why I find this a hard one. I think its because its hard when he sees so much into what I say or do sometimes. Like the smiling assassin scenario!
Also there was something he said a while ago which upset me a lot once and I got really cross despite his protestations that I remember his situation.
I was uncompromising and he later said he found my "honest response" comforting. Like it reassured him that things between us are real.

I guess I've got that in the back of my mind in terms of grief. It would be honest to cry with and for him and if I don't would he interpret that as only pretending to care? As I type this I realise that actually I'm a bit on eggshells as to how he interprets me and my actions.

I guess thats understandable for both of us. We'll get through it. Were still comunicating well in general so I feel like even if I balls it up we can talk about it later.

Thanks all

love

tracy


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#58866 - 11/29/05 05:16 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tracy,

One thing crucial is never to back off of complete honesty. I have so often crossed swords with my wife over something, and then later I realize that all she was doing was being honest with me.

I think we really need that from our partners. Otherwise we are building on sand and will be disappointed and traumatized all over again when someone finally HAS to start getting very honest.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58867 - 12/03/05 02:06 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Larry

Once again you say something that speaks loud and clear. I think this sort of honesty is very important to D. What you say clarifys something for me.

If I dont speak the truth when he doesn't want to hear it how will he know its the truth when its something he does want to hear but finds hard to believe.

Thanks Larry, you're wise.

Love

Tracy


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#58868 - 12/03/05 08:25 PM Re: Good news (inspired by Riviera)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tracy,

Wisdom - hmmmmm, not sure. It's just that I have been married for 24 years to a wonderful, feisty and VERY opinionated woman!

When we have argued I am constantly called back to the point that, well, at least I DO know where I stand with her. She never fails me there. And I need that, especially with the rest of the things I am trying to deal with. She doesn't talk in circles and maneuver around me verbally - with her it's right between the eyes!

That is a pain sometimes, yes. But just as I need to relate to her honestly, she needs to give me the same in return. Otherwise she is left with the feeling (and by default, fact) that her issues and needs don't matter, and that my problems are going to trump the dynamics of the relationship at every turn until who knows when.

And there's a big up-side to it. Sure, I get told off for all my nonsense and shortcomings, but when she says she understands and supports me, I know she means it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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