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#58747 - 11/11/05 05:54 PM Re: Family Denial and what to do
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi JapanZen,

Welcome to MS.

I put the link to your post in the word "here" to fit everything on the screen, but I hope everyone checks out the article. You did a tremendous thing, if there's anything that this community can do to help you out, please ask.

Anyway, that's not what you're here for-- I am so sorry that your mother was unable to do what needed to be done for you and your sister, and I am sorry that she continues to deny you the things that you need.

Have you thought about what it is that you would like from your mother and sister? What could your mom say to you now that would be supportive of you or help you to deal with what she's done? Is your ultimate goal to be able to accept and build a relationship, or do you just want an opportunity to confront and get some answers?

You (obviously) don't have to answer to me here-- my suggestion to you is that you give yourself some conscious, specific goals-- thinking about it in pieces like this is maybe easier than trying to tackle the issue of "how to deal with them" all at once.

Also, if you can give your sister and mother some clear idea of what you need from them, they might be better able to give it to you-- for example, instead of "why won't you discuss anything with me" you could say "I'd like to be able to share X and Y with you."

In the end, it's not just up to you. If they can't or won't have the kind of interaction with you that you're looking for, you may have to accept it. I wish you luck and strength in this.

SAR


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#58749 - 11/18/05 03:08 AM Re: Family Denial and what to do
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Wow, it must have taken a lot of courage to come out and speak out for yourself when it came to your dad's encarceration. It almost angers me to read that your mother made excuses to cover up what happened when you were young. My mother did the same thing. Do you ever think that feeling resentment is there for a reason. I do. It sounds as if your sister is in denial of that and is affraid of dealing directly with the issue. Have you considered confronting your mother once again (when you feel ready). I am a firm believer in that, the issue's aren't gone if your still angry about them. There is more than one kind of abuse. You have direct abuse, and you have the abuse that was done to you by the neglect from the people that were supposed to protect you. Excuses can be made, the abuse can be minimized, and false stories can be told. However, it sounds as if you know what's really going on and you're pissed. That is definitely a good thing. I myself have been through similar issues and I wonder if you have ever looked into any literature around how to confront someone for issues like these. Maybe speaking to a counselor or reading up on confrontations in some books involving sexual abuse. They don't only talk about confronting the abusers but they talk about confronting third parties that are somewhat responsible for the abuse even taking place and the covering up of it. If and when you confront, remember, the person who remains calm is in control of the conversation. If you talk to her, it is likely that she'll get defensive and lash out in different ways so it's important to keep a level head and remain focused. This may take you several times to get it all out but It can be extremely beneficial to you and your relationship with your mom.

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#58750 - 11/20/05 05:37 AM Re: Family Denial and what to do
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i hope you don't mind if i ask do you still somewhere deep down care about your dad? when i told my dad about what happ[ened to me he got angry and wanted me to lie to the police he said that my cousin hurting me was a family matter and he would deal with it ,like you i found out later that he knew my cousin was a pedophile when he took me to stay with him . when i told the police what happened to me my dad cut me out of his life forever ,the last thing he said to me was i was a little faggot and liked what my cousin did . trouble is i still loved him even after all that ,i wrote to him begging him to come home ,told him i was sorry i screwed up and told the police ,i even offered to tell them i had lied .i got no response why do we care about them ,i know i was only 11 but i needed my dad to be a dad ,i miss all the things we never did together,i hate myself for still wanting him to love me shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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