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#5863 - 04/15/03 02:52 AM been away for a little...some news
despair... Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/03/03
Posts: 6
Loc: NY
hey everybody,

i've been sort of anti-social here lately (not that I have been extremely social to begin with, with only a few posts so far). But its good news and bad news at the same time here tonight. I have some advice to ask everybody about, but that comes later. first, the good news...this past thursday, i came to realization in my life (hopefully this will touch someone here also). here goes:

on that thursday night, my lacrosse team was playing columbia university, our biggest rival. i play starting defense along with my friend mike who lives upstairs from me. at one point during the game, i slid too early to help him out on defense and he got pissed. and then later, it happened again, the same "mistake" so to speak. and he got pissed once again. i took myself out of the game and my confidence and mood plummeted (spelling???). i was about to quit the team then and there. we won the game and my whole team was excited and shouting, but not me, i f-ed up, i disappointed myself. i should get no credit at all. i don't deserve to be happy. i am to blame for me f-ing up so badly. to make a long story short, i got back to my apartment, started to change, and realized some symptoms about myself. i strive, with all of my effort, to be #1 in all aspects of life...every damn little f-ing thing. things as small as my comforter on my bed being perfectly laid, or the dishes correctly placed in drying tray (like there is a correct position!!!). i have to be the best...nothing less. the problem here is that...i really don't know what i am really good at, and therefore can't accept myself for who i really am. that wouldn't be good enough. i always have to compare, and i have to be better then someone else. what a trip it was to understand this all of the sudden. it came like a wave crashing against the surf. WOW!!! it's going to be a pretty hard task to kept aware of this new found enlightenment, and try to overcome it. my T once said to me that there are SA people who are at the top of their Harvard Law class, and hearing that put me down. just something else i am doing wrong in my life. but this past thursday i realized, i am that person, but trying to be at the top of everything, and i literally mean everything. However, this is simply impossible. the reasons i don't excel in what my talents truly are are: 1) i can't know exactly what they are if i am trying to accomplish everything, and 2) i spread myself out too much to exert enough energy to even focus on my talents. i need to figure out who i am, and reach for the stars for me and not care about what everyone else is good at. i should support and nourish what others are good at, and learn from them.

ALL of us have talents, all of us are given gifts. every last being on this planet...we can all make a difference. and part of why i am here right now, is to make a difference. for whoever reads this post, for all of my friends here on this site, for humanity as a whole...i hope somewhere, in some way, this jolts a spark in someone, to help them grow and prosper. because each of our experiences here, on this site, are unique and, at the same time, ubiquotus. we are here to help and support each other, and i respect that, and hope that i can touch every heart who reads this post. someone read my first post and it touched them, and helped them grow (sorry i forget your nick... ). it made me feel really good to have helped someone. all of you help me. Throughout each day, i try to think of all of you to get by, knowing that i am a survivor...thanks for making me realize that.

now, for the bad news...i have started using cocaine again. no good...when i do it, things just don't stop...line after line, bag after bag. i know this is not good for me right now, but for some reason, some part of my concious believes it's okay. i tell myself, just tonight, i'll have one hit, then stop and no more. then, just one more, and on and on...you know the scenario. i am in the midst of doing this right now. please, some advice on how to stay away, especially when it's offered, for free. thank you all...for a palette of freedom, to ask questions without punishment, to express my heart, and to heal my soul. bless us all...

mike


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#5864 - 04/15/03 10:13 AM Re: been away for a little...some news
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Mike:

That kind of obsessive compulsive perfectionism I can definitely relate to. Just the revelation that this is a big problem for you is a big part of the solution. The same is true of your cocaine addiction.

In both cases it's also important to realize both are addictions that may well require various kinds of therapy & support, finding what works for you at any given time.

Mike I've been clean of narcotics for almost 25 years, and I still go to some NA meetings. Don't know if you are going to meetings regularly or what other kind of support you may be getting, but it seems important to me anyway.

That's part of staying away from it--staying around supportive people and if necessary completely shutting out & separating yourself from
anyone even distantly related to cocaine for you.

As to perfectionism, it seems that's just the hard work of knowing & loving myself knowing I'm less than perfect, then trying to relate to others accordingly. Not easy, but easier & far better than trying to be something I'm not--everything-- or do things I can't do--everything.

Take it easy on yourself & take care of yourself Mike.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#5865 - 04/15/03 11:12 AM Re: been away for a little...some news
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
I think many of us are very good at expecting too much of ourselves, and I agree that it is a real wall to climb. We constantly measure ourselves against this ideal that none could live up to. I figured this out through research, and you seem to have reached that conclusion through experience. It is a valuable thing to let go of that. Believe it or not almost all of our issues are simply a matter of skewed perception, a skewed view of ourselves and the world around us. Only after you come to realize this grave error in judgment and really feel it inside can you rise above it. I can tell everyone, as you have, but feeling it inside is another matter. That is up to each person.

I have never faced drugs, but in know some here have. I hope you get good advice concerning it from them. I know it is a hard thing to beat from what others have said, so I wish you luck.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#5866 - 04/15/03 11:58 AM Re: been away for a little...some news
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Mike.....so many of your thoughts and feelings echo my thoughts and feelings....if i cannot be perfect at something, i'm worthless.....in many ways that is how i've evaluated myself in life...since i have been struggling alot of late and obviously am not perfect, i always think of just ending my life......my mind tells me i'm being irrational, but so deep inside it seems to be the only viable solution....not sure if that will ever change, but i keep trying....

the cocaine use is another matter....do you realize that if you continue down that road you are simply masking your real problems and are just creating additional problems to face....please seek help regarding the drug usage if you cannot stop on your own.....recreational drug usage is ok, but i get the feeling you are using as an escape mechanism and that is a very slippery slope.....the coke will only be a temporary fix and you will need to add more drugs and alcohol to escape and eventually nothing will be enough anyway....if you are not prepared to deal with all of your problems at the moment, please at least deal with the drug usage.....please try to keep yourself safe until you are prepared to confront your real issues...
hope i do not seem preachy, just am very concerned for you....PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF....michael


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#5867 - 04/15/03 12:15 PM Re: been away for a little...some news
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Despair,

First off, good to hear another person about my age is here (not that there's nothing wrong with you older guys out there obviously, but just it's always good to know when early intervention happens I guess). Second, yeah...I can relate with that over-achieving thing, and it's hard to sometimes figure out why it is that I do the things I do. Actually, in many ways, even your post seems very familiar in its honesty and wording. The point here is that as you spend more and more time on this board, you will notice (at least I did when I first came here) how many of us are here and how many of us go through similar things. Sometimes I used to wonder whether it was just me, but for better or for worse, it's not just me. Even the way we sometimes think, the way we picture things or the addictions we get into.

Now while I must admit that I've never been into drugs, I've been into a sort of sexual addiction of sorts (porn--not so much in many people's eyes perhaps, but still, not to the point I'm really comfortable with--especially considering I'm once again in a loving relationship now AND how much I really should do). At least for me, and perhaps for you, what may help is to think about what it is you want to do in the future about this addiction...I mean how long will you want to deal with it? For me, I've said to myself that I don't want to deal with it anymore. Yeah, I'll mess up here and there, but I'm not going to dwell on it AND I'm going to avoid things that "trigger" this addiction. Usually there are patterns in addictions of when you turn to these things, and the key I think is to avoid them. You seem like a smart guy and you KNOW what you need to do, so make up your mind to do them. Create barriers for yourself, and if you can, even try to hold yourself accountable to someone.

The only OTHER caveat I would say is with any CHEMICAL addiction, you may need professional help to overcome that. Like alcohol, drugs obviously are addicting and there are physiological changes which you may have to deal with. Still, you can do it (actually, my brother went through that I hear recently, and he's this wall street type guy, so you're certainly not alone with seemingly having it together but struggling with this--as a hopeful note, for the past year, he's been clean finally...he took a nice long trip to clear his head because he realized it was just getting out of hand).

Anyway, I just wanted to respond. Welcome on board, and one thing I've realized is that we should all be proud in a way in that we have ALL survived. I mean after all this time, yeah, we are all still standing \:\) That, at least, should bring us comfort. We had resisted the decision to give up long ago, and now, I think we are prepared for just about anything that comes our way. I say that not as a pep talk or whatever, but really...think about it: What is this life truly about? What do you strive for? Is it about always being successful and on top (or is that really a sign of never having been tested)?

In my opinion, being successful is truly, quite simply, being able to get up everytime you fall.

PS Btw, if you have IM, let me know via private message or whatever and maybe we can IM sometime. Aight, take it easy.


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#5868 - 04/15/03 03:29 PM Re: been away for a little...some news
still 12 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/01
Posts: 167
despair,
I, too, know about obsessive compulsive perfectionism. I don't know if all SA survivors experience it. It almost cost me my marriage 13 years ago. I never saw myself through anyone else's eyes until my wife pointed out a multitude of things. It was only then that I realized that I never dealt with what was wrong on the inside (things I couldn't seem to control) so all I could do was to strive to make everything on the outside and around me "perfect". That can never really happen because we live in an imperfect world. So you are never, ever satisfied....EVER!

My wife's favorite saying is "You can't see the picture when you're inside the frame." I had never looked at myself until then. Now 13 years later, I am very different. I am not a slob but there's so much that doesn't bother me anymore (i.e. people getting in my car with snow on their feet....the very idea!!!! or someone putting a lawn chair on the grass and mashing it down when it has been freshly mowed) I could go on and on, the list is nearly endless and pointless. I can't believe some of the things I used to do.

Well, with therapy and meds and a lot of behavior modification, things are much better now. There will alway be someone richer, better looking, more successful, etc., etc., etc. BIG DEAL!


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#5869 - 04/15/03 03:33 PM Re: been away for a little...some news
still 12 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/01
Posts: 167



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#5870 - 04/16/03 12:10 AM Re: been away for a little...some news
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Hey Mike!
Seriously, there are way too many Mikes in this world. But as another Mike I would like to welcome you to MS. Like ABCD noted, it's amazing at how much you can have in common with the other survivors. Many times I feel like the other members here can finish my thoughts. What's special is that the older and wiser members think the same as you and so are able to give much needed emotional guidance. As a fellow young member, I take comfort in that.

So to address your post, I can relate to being an over-achiever/perfectionist. Many, many guys here suffer from this as well. But just knowing this is nice to know. It makes you think that you are not so weird after all. However I am sorry that I do not have anything to offer about the drug addiction .

ABCD,
It is really nice to see you again. And it's really nice to hear that you are doing well. I read something of yours the other day and have been intending to e-mail you. It's been awhile since we've spoken.

Quote:
Is it about always being successful and on top (or is that really a sign of never having been tested)?
What a great question! How many people are ever tested or how many people ever decide to test themselves. I feel rather fortunate because I have made a stand and tried to understand who I really am. How many people do this in their lives? Who knows...
Take care,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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