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#58627 - 11/04/05 09:45 AM Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Ken Singer, Anyone?
**Caution subject matter may trigger**

I hope I have the guts to post this - i've been trying for weeks... some of you know my spouse's "story" = pled guilty to misdemeanor sex assault of 20 yr old.
Lots happening @ home base, hubby attitude very bad, behavior worse, verbal degrading i.e. after multiple lumbar epidurals placed on bed rest potty privilidges only he states "You're sucking every core out of me" when requested fluids to take meds.
I re read the police report now some almost 4 yrs later to exact anniversary date of "crime".
He has gone from slowly becoming selfish in behavior to out right, will violate our 18 yr "contract" of fair arguing. i.e. follows me to other room with aggressive voice to attempt to get all out screaming fight with me. I respond with 1 request to honor "contract rules" - then follow up to leave to a different room. cant fite & wont
This has resulted in me completely shutting down. Did not attend his hard worked graduation (grad. 2nd in class by less than 200th of pt)- mostly because he would not provide wheelchair, he had agreed to only go to class "party" 1 beer = no more than 1 hr. daugh from out of town had BF go with & had to drag him out = extreme drunk after 3 hrs
Daugh in town for 1st time in over 1 yr, other daugh married previous nite (he failed to show for party or congrat.)
Claims has appt for marriage counseling - later states T chgs appt (i think lie)- found proof he is lying about finances.
He tells me he "bumped into" male that cared for me after life saving surgery (fem-pop)almost lost leg, this male did everything for me, turned sexual, ended relationship -- but he tells me he confronts other male to say "she is in MY home, MINE now" does this in front of daugh that was involved in initial "crime". Pisses me off as this daugh has high risk PG, but I dont respond.
Thru re reading PD report I "feel" he is lying about his supposed "black out loss of memory" = inconsistency in PD statement & statements to me privately.

Not long ago tells me "will never have sexual or intimate contact with me ever again" - allowed to kiss top of my head in public only, my rule now as his public display totally different attempts

found computer relation with past female coworker he admitted to having "strong feelings for" - denies sexual relations. After confronted as pre set rules were that I was allowed to search puter & phone at free will, now erases tracks even in front of me -- I dont confront also rules of sex addicts mtgs etc (now fails to attend those)

Am dead inside, only stay for roof & health insur. as am very weak physically -- need out, but can only do if my past T can fully assist without him knowing ahead of time, must complete in one day for safty.

price I probably will pay is PG daugh will end relation with me completely


do i stay & tolerate this abuse = minor to any past abuses survived

or go and pay price of loss of relation with daugh?
divorce no problem, health bad enuff dead before divorce final (pray for)?

i care about something, not sure what?

ps With Law Change advise re: S.O's you sent to T & Grp behavior severe degrading point also


sincerely, sammy


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#58628 - 11/04/05 01:19 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Sammy

Can you get to your doctor? Please try, you obviously recognise that you need and want help. Is there anyone you could stay with for a time until you are strong enough to make your big decisions about staying or leaving and how to maintain a relationship with your daughter?

Try to be somewhere safe and concentrate on getting onto an even keel until you are better able to care for yourself properly.

Thinking of you

Love

Tracy


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#58629 - 11/04/05 01:42 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sammy,

I know this is very sensitive territory, but from your post it is clear not only that your husband is not adhering to the basic ground rules you established in the past, he is also disrespecting you, emotionally abusing you, and denying you the simple support you need on health grounds. It is also likely that he is engaging in activities that further violate the basic requirements for any relationship.

You post also suggests that you yourself are not coping so well. I feel so badly that all this is happening to you.

I think you need to consult your doctor, as Tracy suggests, and also your T. Do you have any kind of support group of friends who know your situation and whom you can rely on and trust?

I do not know enough about your relationship with your daughter to comment, but I think the big factor now is your own safety. This is just my worried opinion and I have no expertise, but I think you need to lay down some firm rules that actually have to be adhered to, otherwise you are gone. I only say this because he seems to be so utterly indifferent and even hostile to your needs and feelings on every level.

Your own feelings of safety will also improve if you have a place arranged where you can go and stay if you must.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58630 - 11/04/05 04:16 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Thanks Guize for being strong enuff to approach this subject with me.

He called MY T looking for marriage counselor, MY T told him he would not mediate as he is "attached to me" (meaning we already have long standing client relationship)

spouse holds car hostage unless I have a "documented" GP or Cardio appt , so will have to work on that with T ...

I know I am not coping well and am concerned that I may be in a state of misreading him & telling in bad light ... this is a very real possibility not making excuses - REALITY is that I have been under the use of heavy STEROIDS. In past I know from experience this very much can "distort my thinking" -- yet I know what he is doing also very much feels / IS abusive.

I just dont know where to go for safty? Am scared he may try to contact T and tell T my mental health is not "all there" due to proven use of steroids for health reasons.

Am hoping with ya'll''s help & T help - slowly I can get "safe". Want to do this carefully as daugh with High Risk PG could not stand stress & has almost lost baby too many times already. Could never forgive myself if more stress pushed her too hard. She is only a few more weeks to go , which would be best for me too , go slow to ensure safty of us both.

Will call T now in light of Day stronger feeling.

I really don't feel he will "re-offend" due to 1st circumstances - but he is obviously in a very bad place emotionally -- but I gotta get support and safe (i hope that makes sense) only feel he will break his sobriety to sex addiction drugs of choice 1)compulsive masturbation 2) compulsive use of Porn or which ever comes first with that stuff...

**Ken am I fooling myself with thinking he wont re offend? His T you recommended said he is not a (shoot i dont know how to put this) "classic" sex offender** -- hope that made sense --

anyways I hope you guys can hang thru this with me am scared of being ostracized (sp) and or having him ostracized if this is a reactionary thing in his healing???

He began with shutting me out real hard if you remember some of my more recent posts...

Calling T .... thank you I dont feel so alone, no friends here who can guide me without being very biased and or lack of "real knowledge".

Thank you so much will keep you posted.

Sammy


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#58631 - 11/04/05 09:59 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You sure as Hell don't deserve it.

Now, from what I know of your situation (admittedly it ain't much), this is serious. You're in danger, definitely emotionally, and from what I see physically due to stress and neglect.

I don't think you're misreading it. I know from steroids and perception-altering side-effects depend on the type taken.

I'm most worried about you and your daughter. I know you're concerned about her pregnancy being effected by all this, but sadly it'll be affected by any stress, including you being endangered. What are the worse of two evils? I do think you're being understandably cautious, but if you were my sister, I'd advise you to expedite your leaving within the confines of your safety.

If there's anything I can do, even if it's just to vent, you know how to reach me, or feel free to PM.

Take care of yourself, sister. I care.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#58632 - 11/04/05 10:45 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5777
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Sammy:
I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much crap again. Let me just quickly address a couple points. I have no idea what a "classic sex offender" is (and I've probably worked with 2000-2500 juvenile and adult abusers over the past 25 + years.)

Your hubby sounds like a bully. Control and bullying are bad signs for someone in recovery. The alcohol and porn are bad combos for staying straight. That said, I'm not predicting he will reoffend but sex offense-specific therapy stresses that you have to be aware of your high risk factors. Alcohol and porn are two risky behaviors. So is bullying and pushing away your supports.

If it gets really bad, call your local domestic violence program to talk to someone there. You appear to be in an abusive relationship that might be helped by a restraining order or court order to get him out if you are in danger.

Good luck.
Ken


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#58633 - 11/04/05 10:59 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Thank you Brother Scot,

I did make an appt with my T - I see him the 15th, funny the phone just rang to say spouse has appt Mon??? maybe he isnt lying?

Anyway, talked with GF & we both agree that it is important for me to carefully leave with out spouses knowledge. AND with T's total support no rash decision making

Daugh will be ok has her own strong hubby for herself & no harm will come to her , except maybe extra stress of being enviromentally forced to deal with results of unfinished business from 4 yrs ago.

I asked GF 2 ?'s that I thot were important in my decision to leave and anyone can chime in here.

1) Am / Did I give spouse a "fair chance" at recovery from his own SA issues? (or am i finding reasons to run before he earnestly gets help becuz of my own pre admitted fears of being called on carpet for my past mistakes
we both agreed tho that I had given more than enuff time for him to work hard at his issues he just chose to find reasons not to work on them for what ever his excuse/s

2) I truly was happier for myself and healthier when living on my own - I dont need to carry any guilt about moving back in here when my physical safty really was an issue while I lived @ last place.

This time in my decision to move it will be done without any rash or fast move, it will be planned well and I will have proper assistance with guidance and care from Professionals. It may take a few wks or even a few months but at least it will be done on MY terms, as I can handle it. I will tell my T of my "fears" of his changes and we can decide IF I am in physical danger if so he can help place me in a SAFE house as needed.

Peace and Hugs,
Sammy


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#58634 - 11/04/05 11:18 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Sammy,

Quote:
1) Am / Did I give spouse a "fair chance" at recovery from his own SA issues? (or am i finding reasons to run before he earnestly gets help becuz of my own pre admitted fears of being called on carpet for my past mistakes
we both agreed tho that I had given more than enuff time for him to work hard at his issues he just chose to find reasons not to work on them for what ever his excuse/s
It's time to look after you. Do what is best for you. You are the most important person in all this. Your health, your happiness is more important than anyone else's.

Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#58635 - 11/05/05 01:22 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
the only advice that I can give is "THINK!"

Think about yourself first and foremost, okay, your health isn't good. But it'll be a damned sight better without stress and crap.

If you agreed boundaries and rules, then you have every right to expect them to be stuck to. Any changes should be mutual.

The big question has to be "what love is left in your relationship ?"
If it's not two way, then however tough it might be it ain't going anywhere.

Nobody deserves to live a life dominated by mistrust, lies, bullying and deceit.

My best friend walked out of his marriage of 21 years and 3 lovely kids with a supermarket bag of clean underwear.
Six years later his kids are as close to him as they ever were, he's in his own house with a new girlfriend and drives around in a Toyota Celica. He's doing OK, his ex wife has nearly drunk herself to death.

He had friends and family that supported and loved him, and a faith in himself that although it was sorely tested, carried him through.

Only the strong survive Sammy, the rest exist. And I say that as someone who has supported you in every way possible in your relationship with Hubby, but as I said at the top - "THINK"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58636 - 11/05/05 02:32 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Sammy,

Ditto to all of the above. Take care of YOU. Carefully. Calling for help via a local domestic violence program will give you more information and assistance on how to remove yourself from a bad situation than anything else.

Listen to Dave and THINK. You know if you feel threatened; that's when it's beyond time to leave. Don't wait until you are harmed.

Be safe.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58637 - 11/05/05 05:13 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


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#58638 - 11/05/05 05:14 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


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#58639 - 11/05/05 05:14 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


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#58640 - 11/05/05 05:15 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


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#58641 - 11/05/05 06:00 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy, I am coming late to this thread but I want you to know I've been wondering how you were and I am pretty sorry that this is the answer.

You're not alone in this, we're with you. We all care that you do what's best for yourself.

Whether your husband is re-offending or not, I find his behavior pretty damn offensive towards you. He is doing what abusers DO-- his actions are all about how much power he has, how much he can do what he wants no matter how much it hurts a vulnerable person who is putting trust in him. Erasing the computer history after he's agreed you can look through it-- acting possessive and nasty to a man you no longer see, but then making it clear to you that he will continue to withhold sex for the rest of your life?? He is using your own sexual desires and fears as a weapon to control and hurt you. I don't care how minor it is in relation to what you've gone through in the past. You shouldn't have had to go through any of that just like you shouldn't have to keep on doing this.

PLEASE keep us posted.
SAR


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#58642 - 11/05/05 07:37 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

You'll ALWAYS have support here.

I think I can only reiterate what other (yeah, including me earlier:D) people said. That you have to be concerned with YOU first. Take care of YOURSELF first and foremost, because if you're not there for you, who else will be?

As for "jumping the gun," well, you have to make that choice, but for what it's worth from me, you've given plenty of chances. Why put yourself at risk for another one?

The offer still stands. Be good to yourself. I care.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#58643 - 11/05/05 09:52 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
wobbling can only last so long
Sammy
Is it a 'wobble'?

I'm the last person to 'tell' someone to leave a relationship or marriage, I haven't that right and I don't presume to know best.

But what I will do with a conscience completly free from guilt is tell someone that their number one priority is themselves.

If you're looking for 'wobbles' make sure you look in the right places, and then see how big the 'wobble' is.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58644 - 11/06/05 08:51 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,

SAR, good to see your input as well no matter "if" it seems late or not -- it NEVER is.

Why I feel like I have been "wobbling" -- I geuss cuz I never told anyone how much respect I LOST for someone who I did respect even after his plea B.S. - especially respected when he "Broke" and had to spend some time in the crayold wing when the "rest of his abuse" came out.

**For those who dont know we both are survivors of SA & other abuses and always knew from the very beginning of our relationship, but I went into lots of T & had some breaks of my own of memories that had been blocked - his came after he found out i had begun dating after we split, i felt the trauma of finding out about my dating was his trigger & then made a decision to not date to help him even tho we were split - partiallly out of respect to him that he had supported me during my own breaks & placment into the crayola wings (mental health wings not meant in disrespect just my bent way of dealing with the stigma)***

So my "wobble" with him is that this is NOT the first time many folks here have told me to get the hell out of dodge that he was abusive toward me in their opinions -- and yet then he would do as SAR said in a post sometthing to "redeem himself" - and yet I still continued to try to support him , I many times did not respond on here what my actions were or answered on here very good hard questions of me.

For those who had the guts to ask those questions I did THINK about them, but was lack in answeriing or responding for further feedback on the subjects.... mostly because I was ASHAMED that I had chosen to stay out of fear of being alone with my stupid health problems, and how I would knowingly choose to stupidly accept rationalizing in my mind = its not that bad , even tho in my heart

I knew but could not admit I do not love him as a wife should love a spouse --- = I made myself as bad as him by "using him" for stupid reasons.

AND the kicker - I felt that I was no better because I conciously chose to stay accepting not only his BS lies, but worse lies to myself, saying I could MAYBE love him a little bit IF he did the Individual counseling, even IF he never acted on the marriage counseling.

(crap this is getting long again) -- SO, I felt I made myself stay in this "mental wobble" to keep myself from HAVING to back my words up. In my "real life" (not on the puter where only you guys i dont have to explain the intricate details of the web of crossed over mixture shit) - I am known as a woman who not only talks the talk, but "walks the walk" - basically I back up what I say .... here I feel safe enuff to expose my fears and weaknesses and not "judged by it". I hope that makes sense......

I mean lets look at my postings for example, how many times I have come on here spilled my guts, begged for help & guidance but failed to let you know how your advice was taken or how something turned out if I used the advice.

How many times have I told new folks & old timers to "take care of yourself first" - Yet in reality I have not done that for myself? I feel like a sham and a scam for that... embarrassed and ashamed \:\(

Isn't that behavior I just described a "wobble"?

** KEN **
Quote:
Your hubby sounds like a bully. Control and bullying are bad signs for someone in recovery. The alcohol and porn are bad combos for staying straight. That said, I'm not predicting he will reoffend but sex offense-specific therapy stresses that you have to be aware of your high risk factors. Alcohol and porn are two risky behaviors. So is bullying and pushing away your supports.
Questions, 1) I thought that him "bullying" was a very probable "stage" of his healing as this begain slowly & subtle as he was more active in in his sex addict group. if this sounds totally dumb im sorry but truly i thot he was just "practicing" flexing against me verbally as I was so verbally possibly verbally abusive toward him during our yrs together due to SA survival skills for me (not excuse just realization) so he finally was gaining strength inside to voice against me -- I truly still wonder if it is a "stage for him to regain inner strength? I was easy / safe practice target?
2) He openly admits that alcohol & porn are no no''s or sex addiction = allows to step over boundaries - yet he still will vehemently deny any suggestion from me that he may consider discussing that he has a "problem with booze" - I dont push this discussion, only gentle prods then dropped. HE also knows and admits the porn & masturbation = potential of breaking his sobriety

Truly I did not know that "Bullying" was a risk factor -- the others I knew were and even HE could "mantra" the alcohol abuse & porn set for re offense, ... I forgot about the "isolation" - now it makes sense that "bullying" would be the catalyst for "isolation".... PS his TIME is always counted for now , but then again for me it was before and yet I "trusted him then"....

God, Ken now I am scared that when I do leave him he may re offend & not just in breaking his sex addiction sobriety but go over the line to totally violate --- If I stay, I may be the ONLY thing that keeps him from hurting someone? Especially now that he has this verified appt with the T??? I know that IF he is going to actually act on breaking his sobriety I CANT STOP that... but I WOULD RATHER TAKE HIS ABUSE / SHIT than RISK him hurting another INNOCENT person.

I've been thru it, it cant hurt me worse than it already has... but I cannot leave knowing it could be the trigger to set him over the line!! See how I am missing stuff that is or could be HUGE in my messed up thought process and WHY I need to go slow.

If he hits me I know I will and promise to call a domestic violence and cops for help... I SWEAR I WILL... but at this point it is him "bowing up" on me verbally & new body language -- besides I know if he even TRIED or DID hit me I will hurt him back bad = did so when attacked last spring those 2 X's...

My saving Grace in all of this is that he is gone working so much & when he is home I do have my son in law here. He is so tired coming home from work , bascially he falls asleep with in an hour or so (this is the norm daily) -- SO I am alone during the day, and daugh comes home before him --- one of them prepared meal, then he works for awhile rehabbing extra bedroom -- I dont sleep with him in same room -- am in recliner........

Ok - now I appreciate you all reading thru this - pick my messed up thinking apart & be reassured I have my T on speed dial should I need him prior to Appt...

I still think I have wobbled in thots and behavior, tho my GF said my moving back in after I got beat up was smart as it WAS safer then --

I am scared too tho that the low income housing that I may end up qualified and in will be just as unsafe as the last place ... so I am worried that I am jumping from pan to fire in this move.

I dont love him, I stopped a long time ago after about 3 yrs after my diagnosis (in reality probably even long before that) -- I can say only that I know I LOVE my daughters

I did for him in support because I would do that for ANYONE needing the support in same situation, and felt I OWED him that support as he supported me during the intense crisis yrs of therapy I had, and did not complain (until in a fight yrs later it "slipped out")

I worry, I am being unfair because he does not come here for support and I have the ability to paint him in worst light & he cant defend on here against me?

So can you see or understand where I feel / think I have been "wobbling" on this? for god sakes i even cussed ya'll out and said i wouldnt be back and yet ya'll forgave me and still care...

man am i feeling fucked up in the head -- and if I can present to the "world" one really fake woman out here -- i.e. strong smart blah blah - imagine what a bad thinng that is for spouuse, i have never lied to him, but i havent told him i am gonna leave or that he scares me -- mostly cuz even in the past whenn i have been nothing but honest he didnt care then anyway, now i just feel it would cause my damage than anything he would perscieve it as just being manipulated etc.

Thank you all so MUCH
Sammy
PS, Ken I apologize for missing your post earlier


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#58645 - 11/06/05 04:37 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5777
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Sammy:
Quote:
I thought that him "bullying" was a very probable "stage" of his healing as this begain slowly & subtle as he was more active in in his sex addict group.
There is a difference between being assertive and bullying. Speaking assertively is not shouting or insulting another. Also, paybacks for old "abuse" by you, whether justified or not, does not play out if he is truly healing and trying to work on a relationship.

I'm not suggesting he is getting ready to reoffend. If he were, there is only so much you can do (contact StopItNow - 1 888 PREVENT). You are not his probation officer or keeper. He needs to take responsibility to limit his risk factors (such as porn and alcohol) and keep himself (and others) safe.

There is no reason to put yourself in there when it is dangerous for you or your relationship with your daughter is strained because of him. Nor is it your responsibility to stay because he might do something if you leave.

Maybe he will allow you to come to a session with his T to express your concerns there?

Ken


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#58646 - 11/06/05 05:09 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sammy,

I have read over how this thread is going, and I continue to be VERY concerned for you. I just wanted to add two points: one I think is crucial and the other just important (!?!?).

It seems that when a relationship is in crisis because of the man's issues, the woman sometimes feels that her task is to "stand by her man" no matter what. Well, okay, if there is difficulty then of course the two should be there for each other. But there comes a time when the decline of the relationship becomes so bad that the woman finds her self staying only because she is not in danger of her life yet.

No one, anywhere, in any circumstances, should feel they are under this sort of obligation. If you are in such fear that you feel you cannot even ASK for a sit-down to review agreed guidelines, then that to me sounds pretty bad. This IS becoming a matter of safety, and in no way is it anything like what I would call a relationship.

My other point, Sammy, is my concern over his repeated comments and actions toward you. This is NOT just a matter of "Boys behaving badly". What he is doing in words and deeds, over and over again, is pairing you as a person with the idea of shame. That is outrageous if it happens once, and he is making it a habit. This, coupled up with the alcohol and porn, makes it all look very bad.

The question of whether he will reoffend is not the issue here and now. The most important point is your welfare and safety. I hope you keep this foremost in your mind.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58647 - 11/06/05 05:16 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy, here is some tough love.

Quote:
I am scared that when I do leave him he may re offend & not just in breaking his sex addiction sobriety but go over the line to totally violate --- If I stay, I may be the ONLY thing that keeps him from hurting someone?
Please read that and think about it until it stops making sense. Because it doesn't make any sense.

You are not "bad" for losing respect for him, or for having fears, or for choosing the bad situation you know over the situation you don't know.

But for GOODNESS SAKE, *I* have never met your husband and I have learned one thing about him from you-- he will do what he damn well wants to do. Unless you have secret mind control powers your presence in the house is NOT the deciding factor in whether or not he offends again. You have control over one, not over the other. And if you do leave, Sammy, it's not because you don't care about him, don't care about his sobriety, blah blah, it because HE WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE AND YOU COULD NO LONGER LIVE THAT WAY. Is that going to be your fault too now? Was it your fault that he offended in the first place? Was it your fault that he was abused? That you were abused? Come ON girl. Let go of the shame. It is NOT YOURS.

I believe in the strong woman that the world sees. I think she is just scared and confused, and needs some help. There's nothing wrong with that. \:\) And I think you will make good choices in the end.

S


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#58648 - 11/06/05 09:35 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
Linda ain't my keeper any more than I'm hers, we share our relationship.

And if that sharing isn't there any more then to me it spells the end of the relationship.

From what you write here, which is obviously your side of the story ( although in all the time you've been at MS you have told it like it is ) you seem to be setting the pace, to which he 'agrees' then backslides.

In the end you can only do so much, you can't live his life for him or dictate the way his life is destined to go.

"THINK" about number one Sammy, then the other high numbers such as your girls.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58649 - 11/07/05 01:28 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Sammy

I don't really think it matters too much that this is just your side of the story. If this is how you feel then you deserve better.

You deserve to be in a place in your life where when you describe it to others some happiness, peace, confidence and joy shine through.

I hope its possible to "send" courage across the water because thats what I am sending to you today. I hope with all my heart that it reaches you.

Much love, thinking of you

Tracy


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#58650 - 11/08/05 12:40 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
(((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

Going through a rough patch, but I'm thinking about you.

I don't know what to say, the part about you don't love him. I know in the past that you needed him - health plan, support, etc. - but do you REALLY need him now?

Because, and I don't think I'm blowing smoke here, I don't see your brave self as a mask or a "fake." I think you ARE strong. Hell, the health stuff ALONE would've finished most people. The fact that you're making arrangements to get out proves that, neh?

And, well, if you feel you must get out, the sooner the better. Is the "support" he's given you worth the shit you've taken? This is the bottom line.

My thinking would be "no," but you know your situation best. I just want you safe. To know you're WORTH being safe and supported.

Another point - the part about "bullying as a stage of survival." I only scanned Ken's response - he's the pro, after all - but as for my $.02, it ain't so. Bullying is a reflection of control issues. While he may feel the need to assert control, bullying is about as healthy an expression of assertion as any other form of abuse. It ain't a "stage" that needs to be tolerated. It's something that has to be slapped down quick.

I care about you, sister.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#58651 - 11/08/05 01:56 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5777
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Scott wrote:
Quote:
Bullying is a reflection of control issues. While he may feel the need to assert control, bullying is about as healthy an expression of assertion as any other form of abuse. It ain't a "stage" that needs to be tolerated. It's something that has to be slapped down quick.
No disagreement here, friend. I agree with you completely. My point to Sammy is that his bullying IS a control thing. Sexually offending, for many, is about control and power. Sammy's hubby is apparently doing that and manipulating in the process as well.

Again, Sammy, what many are telling you here is that it is not your responsibility to keep him from offending. If he can't work on that with his therapist, then he will be responsible for his actions. (Notwithstanding, I believe that my clients' behaviors are THEIR responsibilities in the end. If I failed to pick something up that I should have, then perhaps it is mine but ultimately, we all have to be responsible for our behaviors.)

Ken


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#58652 - 11/08/05 11:00 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
And, well, if you feel you must get out, the sooner the better. Is the "support" he's given you worth the shit you've taken? This is the bottom line.
Scot, you cut through the bull, and tell the truth.

Our abuse must NEVER be an excuse for another persons misery.

It's OUR responsibility to heal, yes, we thrive on loving support, but at the same time we must also learn to RESPECT those that love and support us.
We ain't worth a shit without that effort.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58653 - 11/10/05 03:00 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
this has to be quick -
hubby home for a few days , so not safe to respond with out him "catching me"

he has attended 1 T mtg and 2 sex addicts mtgs since last post? good for him

told him am working with T to move to "safe place"

i.e. explained the 'bully behavior" as explained on here but did not tell where came from.

He is in very "thoughtful process" but now talking some
tho too little too late for me to stay

am in ME first and ONLY mode

counting on my long time T to help me get into safe affordable housing and good assisted medical care.... so glad I have stuck thru all the yrs of T for myself - no matter what all the issues --- feel safe having T with me as support..

More later perhaps in detail when safer to post without hubby in house at time...

Dont worry have all your good advice in my "Tool Belt" --
Thanks so much for the Love and Support from so many of you
Peace for us ALL, Sammy


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#58654 - 11/10/05 03:01 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Oops PS

It may be 2 wks before can post again --- please dont worry, family in town , babyshower etc and T appts.

Promis to stay safe!
Peace Sammy


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#58655 - 11/26/05 01:28 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
how're you doing ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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