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#58647 - 11/06/05 05:16 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy, here is some tough love.

Quote:
I am scared that when I do leave him he may re offend & not just in breaking his sex addiction sobriety but go over the line to totally violate --- If I stay, I may be the ONLY thing that keeps him from hurting someone?
Please read that and think about it until it stops making sense. Because it doesn't make any sense.

You are not "bad" for losing respect for him, or for having fears, or for choosing the bad situation you know over the situation you don't know.

But for GOODNESS SAKE, *I* have never met your husband and I have learned one thing about him from you-- he will do what he damn well wants to do. Unless you have secret mind control powers your presence in the house is NOT the deciding factor in whether or not he offends again. You have control over one, not over the other. And if you do leave, Sammy, it's not because you don't care about him, don't care about his sobriety, blah blah, it because HE WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE AND YOU COULD NO LONGER LIVE THAT WAY. Is that going to be your fault too now? Was it your fault that he offended in the first place? Was it your fault that he was abused? That you were abused? Come ON girl. Let go of the shame. It is NOT YOURS.

I believe in the strong woman that the world sees. I think she is just scared and confused, and needs some help. There's nothing wrong with that. \:\) And I think you will make good choices in the end.

S


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#58648 - 11/06/05 09:35 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
Linda ain't my keeper any more than I'm hers, we share our relationship.

And if that sharing isn't there any more then to me it spells the end of the relationship.

From what you write here, which is obviously your side of the story ( although in all the time you've been at MS you have told it like it is ) you seem to be setting the pace, to which he 'agrees' then backslides.

In the end you can only do so much, you can't live his life for him or dictate the way his life is destined to go.

"THINK" about number one Sammy, then the other high numbers such as your girls.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58649 - 11/07/05 01:28 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Sammy

I don't really think it matters too much that this is just your side of the story. If this is how you feel then you deserve better.

You deserve to be in a place in your life where when you describe it to others some happiness, peace, confidence and joy shine through.

I hope its possible to "send" courage across the water because thats what I am sending to you today. I hope with all my heart that it reaches you.

Much love, thinking of you

Tracy


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#58650 - 11/08/05 12:40 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
(((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

Going through a rough patch, but I'm thinking about you.

I don't know what to say, the part about you don't love him. I know in the past that you needed him - health plan, support, etc. - but do you REALLY need him now?

Because, and I don't think I'm blowing smoke here, I don't see your brave self as a mask or a "fake." I think you ARE strong. Hell, the health stuff ALONE would've finished most people. The fact that you're making arrangements to get out proves that, neh?

And, well, if you feel you must get out, the sooner the better. Is the "support" he's given you worth the shit you've taken? This is the bottom line.

My thinking would be "no," but you know your situation best. I just want you safe. To know you're WORTH being safe and supported.

Another point - the part about "bullying as a stage of survival." I only scanned Ken's response - he's the pro, after all - but as for my $.02, it ain't so. Bullying is a reflection of control issues. While he may feel the need to assert control, bullying is about as healthy an expression of assertion as any other form of abuse. It ain't a "stage" that needs to be tolerated. It's something that has to be slapped down quick.

I care about you, sister.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#58651 - 11/08/05 01:56 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Scott wrote:
Quote:
Bullying is a reflection of control issues. While he may feel the need to assert control, bullying is about as healthy an expression of assertion as any other form of abuse. It ain't a "stage" that needs to be tolerated. It's something that has to be slapped down quick.
No disagreement here, friend. I agree with you completely. My point to Sammy is that his bullying IS a control thing. Sexually offending, for many, is about control and power. Sammy's hubby is apparently doing that and manipulating in the process as well.

Again, Sammy, what many are telling you here is that it is not your responsibility to keep him from offending. If he can't work on that with his therapist, then he will be responsible for his actions. (Notwithstanding, I believe that my clients' behaviors are THEIR responsibilities in the end. If I failed to pick something up that I should have, then perhaps it is mine but ultimately, we all have to be responsible for our behaviors.)

Ken


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#58652 - 11/08/05 11:00 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
And, well, if you feel you must get out, the sooner the better. Is the "support" he's given you worth the shit you've taken? This is the bottom line.
Scot, you cut through the bull, and tell the truth.

Our abuse must NEVER be an excuse for another persons misery.

It's OUR responsibility to heal, yes, we thrive on loving support, but at the same time we must also learn to RESPECT those that love and support us.
We ain't worth a shit without that effort.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58653 - 11/10/05 03:00 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
this has to be quick -
hubby home for a few days , so not safe to respond with out him "catching me"

he has attended 1 T mtg and 2 sex addicts mtgs since last post? good for him

told him am working with T to move to "safe place"

i.e. explained the 'bully behavior" as explained on here but did not tell where came from.

He is in very "thoughtful process" but now talking some
tho too little too late for me to stay

am in ME first and ONLY mode

counting on my long time T to help me get into safe affordable housing and good assisted medical care.... so glad I have stuck thru all the yrs of T for myself - no matter what all the issues --- feel safe having T with me as support..

More later perhaps in detail when safer to post without hubby in house at time...

Dont worry have all your good advice in my "Tool Belt" --
Thanks so much for the Love and Support from so many of you
Peace for us ALL, Sammy


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#58654 - 11/10/05 03:01 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Oops PS

It may be 2 wks before can post again --- please dont worry, family in town , babyshower etc and T appts.

Promis to stay safe!
Peace Sammy


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#58655 - 11/26/05 01:28 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
how're you doing ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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