Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
beginning (34), Gary H. (41), jewelmom (63), kdg2310 (55), Li Yuki (2014), monarchnaps (36), Neverquit (30), Nord (58), SoSad (45)
Who's Online
2 registered (TW16, 1 invisible), 28 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63782 Topics
445403 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#58637 - 11/05/05 05:13 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


Top
#58638 - 11/05/05 05:14 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


Top
#58639 - 11/05/05 05:14 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


Top
#58640 - 11/05/05 05:15 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I promise myself and all of you I will do just that THINK and be sure to take care of ME first.

I am not as scared as I thought I would be.

Thank you so much for the encouragement I needed to resolve what I already knew in my heart I have needed to do for a long time.

wobbling can only last so long

Much Hugs and Peace, will keep you posted

Sammy


Top
#58641 - 11/05/05 06:00 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Sammy, I am coming late to this thread but I want you to know I've been wondering how you were and I am pretty sorry that this is the answer.

You're not alone in this, we're with you. We all care that you do what's best for yourself.

Whether your husband is re-offending or not, I find his behavior pretty damn offensive towards you. He is doing what abusers DO-- his actions are all about how much power he has, how much he can do what he wants no matter how much it hurts a vulnerable person who is putting trust in him. Erasing the computer history after he's agreed you can look through it-- acting possessive and nasty to a man you no longer see, but then making it clear to you that he will continue to withhold sex for the rest of your life?? He is using your own sexual desires and fears as a weapon to control and hurt you. I don't care how minor it is in relation to what you've gone through in the past. You shouldn't have had to go through any of that just like you shouldn't have to keep on doing this.

PLEASE keep us posted.
SAR


Top
#58642 - 11/05/05 07:37 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

You'll ALWAYS have support here.

I think I can only reiterate what other (yeah, including me earlier:D) people said. That you have to be concerned with YOU first. Take care of YOURSELF first and foremost, because if you're not there for you, who else will be?

As for "jumping the gun," well, you have to make that choice, but for what it's worth from me, you've given plenty of chances. Why put yourself at risk for another one?

The offer still stands. Be good to yourself. I care.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

Top
#58643 - 11/05/05 09:52 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
wobbling can only last so long
Sammy
Is it a 'wobble'?

I'm the last person to 'tell' someone to leave a relationship or marriage, I haven't that right and I don't presume to know best.

But what I will do with a conscience completly free from guilt is tell someone that their number one priority is themselves.

If you're looking for 'wobbles' make sure you look in the right places, and then see how big the 'wobble' is.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#58644 - 11/06/05 08:51 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi Guize,

SAR, good to see your input as well no matter "if" it seems late or not -- it NEVER is.

Why I feel like I have been "wobbling" -- I geuss cuz I never told anyone how much respect I LOST for someone who I did respect even after his plea B.S. - especially respected when he "Broke" and had to spend some time in the crayold wing when the "rest of his abuse" came out.

**For those who dont know we both are survivors of SA & other abuses and always knew from the very beginning of our relationship, but I went into lots of T & had some breaks of my own of memories that had been blocked - his came after he found out i had begun dating after we split, i felt the trauma of finding out about my dating was his trigger & then made a decision to not date to help him even tho we were split - partiallly out of respect to him that he had supported me during my own breaks & placment into the crayola wings (mental health wings not meant in disrespect just my bent way of dealing with the stigma)***

So my "wobble" with him is that this is NOT the first time many folks here have told me to get the hell out of dodge that he was abusive toward me in their opinions -- and yet then he would do as SAR said in a post sometthing to "redeem himself" - and yet I still continued to try to support him , I many times did not respond on here what my actions were or answered on here very good hard questions of me.

For those who had the guts to ask those questions I did THINK about them, but was lack in answeriing or responding for further feedback on the subjects.... mostly because I was ASHAMED that I had chosen to stay out of fear of being alone with my stupid health problems, and how I would knowingly choose to stupidly accept rationalizing in my mind = its not that bad , even tho in my heart

I knew but could not admit I do not love him as a wife should love a spouse --- = I made myself as bad as him by "using him" for stupid reasons.

AND the kicker - I felt that I was no better because I conciously chose to stay accepting not only his BS lies, but worse lies to myself, saying I could MAYBE love him a little bit IF he did the Individual counseling, even IF he never acted on the marriage counseling.

(crap this is getting long again) -- SO, I felt I made myself stay in this "mental wobble" to keep myself from HAVING to back my words up. In my "real life" (not on the puter where only you guys i dont have to explain the intricate details of the web of crossed over mixture shit) - I am known as a woman who not only talks the talk, but "walks the walk" - basically I back up what I say .... here I feel safe enuff to expose my fears and weaknesses and not "judged by it". I hope that makes sense......

I mean lets look at my postings for example, how many times I have come on here spilled my guts, begged for help & guidance but failed to let you know how your advice was taken or how something turned out if I used the advice.

How many times have I told new folks & old timers to "take care of yourself first" - Yet in reality I have not done that for myself? I feel like a sham and a scam for that... embarrassed and ashamed \:\(

Isn't that behavior I just described a "wobble"?

** KEN **
Quote:
Your hubby sounds like a bully. Control and bullying are bad signs for someone in recovery. The alcohol and porn are bad combos for staying straight. That said, I'm not predicting he will reoffend but sex offense-specific therapy stresses that you have to be aware of your high risk factors. Alcohol and porn are two risky behaviors. So is bullying and pushing away your supports.
Questions, 1) I thought that him "bullying" was a very probable "stage" of his healing as this begain slowly & subtle as he was more active in in his sex addict group. if this sounds totally dumb im sorry but truly i thot he was just "practicing" flexing against me verbally as I was so verbally possibly verbally abusive toward him during our yrs together due to SA survival skills for me (not excuse just realization) so he finally was gaining strength inside to voice against me -- I truly still wonder if it is a "stage for him to regain inner strength? I was easy / safe practice target?
2) He openly admits that alcohol & porn are no no''s or sex addiction = allows to step over boundaries - yet he still will vehemently deny any suggestion from me that he may consider discussing that he has a "problem with booze" - I dont push this discussion, only gentle prods then dropped. HE also knows and admits the porn & masturbation = potential of breaking his sobriety

Truly I did not know that "Bullying" was a risk factor -- the others I knew were and even HE could "mantra" the alcohol abuse & porn set for re offense, ... I forgot about the "isolation" - now it makes sense that "bullying" would be the catalyst for "isolation".... PS his TIME is always counted for now , but then again for me it was before and yet I "trusted him then"....

God, Ken now I am scared that when I do leave him he may re offend & not just in breaking his sex addiction sobriety but go over the line to totally violate --- If I stay, I may be the ONLY thing that keeps him from hurting someone? Especially now that he has this verified appt with the T??? I know that IF he is going to actually act on breaking his sobriety I CANT STOP that... but I WOULD RATHER TAKE HIS ABUSE / SHIT than RISK him hurting another INNOCENT person.

I've been thru it, it cant hurt me worse than it already has... but I cannot leave knowing it could be the trigger to set him over the line!! See how I am missing stuff that is or could be HUGE in my messed up thought process and WHY I need to go slow.

If he hits me I know I will and promise to call a domestic violence and cops for help... I SWEAR I WILL... but at this point it is him "bowing up" on me verbally & new body language -- besides I know if he even TRIED or DID hit me I will hurt him back bad = did so when attacked last spring those 2 X's...

My saving Grace in all of this is that he is gone working so much & when he is home I do have my son in law here. He is so tired coming home from work , bascially he falls asleep with in an hour or so (this is the norm daily) -- SO I am alone during the day, and daugh comes home before him --- one of them prepared meal, then he works for awhile rehabbing extra bedroom -- I dont sleep with him in same room -- am in recliner........

Ok - now I appreciate you all reading thru this - pick my messed up thinking apart & be reassured I have my T on speed dial should I need him prior to Appt...

I still think I have wobbled in thots and behavior, tho my GF said my moving back in after I got beat up was smart as it WAS safer then --

I am scared too tho that the low income housing that I may end up qualified and in will be just as unsafe as the last place ... so I am worried that I am jumping from pan to fire in this move.

I dont love him, I stopped a long time ago after about 3 yrs after my diagnosis (in reality probably even long before that) -- I can say only that I know I LOVE my daughters

I did for him in support because I would do that for ANYONE needing the support in same situation, and felt I OWED him that support as he supported me during the intense crisis yrs of therapy I had, and did not complain (until in a fight yrs later it "slipped out")

I worry, I am being unfair because he does not come here for support and I have the ability to paint him in worst light & he cant defend on here against me?

So can you see or understand where I feel / think I have been "wobbling" on this? for god sakes i even cussed ya'll out and said i wouldnt be back and yet ya'll forgave me and still care...

man am i feeling fucked up in the head -- and if I can present to the "world" one really fake woman out here -- i.e. strong smart blah blah - imagine what a bad thinng that is for spouuse, i have never lied to him, but i havent told him i am gonna leave or that he scares me -- mostly cuz even in the past whenn i have been nothing but honest he didnt care then anyway, now i just feel it would cause my damage than anything he would perscieve it as just being manipulated etc.

Thank you all so MUCH
Sammy
PS, Ken I apologize for missing your post earlier


Top
#58645 - 11/06/05 04:37 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Sammy:
Quote:
I thought that him "bullying" was a very probable "stage" of his healing as this begain slowly & subtle as he was more active in in his sex addict group.
There is a difference between being assertive and bullying. Speaking assertively is not shouting or insulting another. Also, paybacks for old "abuse" by you, whether justified or not, does not play out if he is truly healing and trying to work on a relationship.

I'm not suggesting he is getting ready to reoffend. If he were, there is only so much you can do (contact StopItNow - 1 888 PREVENT). You are not his probation officer or keeper. He needs to take responsibility to limit his risk factors (such as porn and alcohol) and keep himself (and others) safe.

There is no reason to put yourself in there when it is dangerous for you or your relationship with your daughter is strained because of him. Nor is it your responsibility to stay because he might do something if you leave.

Maybe he will allow you to come to a session with his T to express your concerns there?

Ken


Top
#58646 - 11/06/05 05:09 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sammy,

I have read over how this thread is going, and I continue to be VERY concerned for you. I just wanted to add two points: one I think is crucial and the other just important (!?!?).

It seems that when a relationship is in crisis because of the man's issues, the woman sometimes feels that her task is to "stand by her man" no matter what. Well, okay, if there is difficulty then of course the two should be there for each other. But there comes a time when the decline of the relationship becomes so bad that the woman finds her self staying only because she is not in danger of her life yet.

No one, anywhere, in any circumstances, should feel they are under this sort of obligation. If you are in such fear that you feel you cannot even ASK for a sit-down to review agreed guidelines, then that to me sounds pretty bad. This IS becoming a matter of safety, and in no way is it anything like what I would call a relationship.

My other point, Sammy, is my concern over his repeated comments and actions toward you. This is NOT just a matter of "Boys behaving badly". What he is doing in words and deeds, over and over again, is pairing you as a person with the idea of shame. That is outrageous if it happens once, and he is making it a habit. This, coupled up with the alcohol and porn, makes it all look very bad.

The question of whether he will reoffend is not the issue here and now. The most important point is your welfare and safety. I hope you keep this foremost in your mind.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.