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#58627 - 11/04/05 09:45 AM Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Ken Singer, Anyone?
**Caution subject matter may trigger**

I hope I have the guts to post this - i've been trying for weeks... some of you know my spouse's "story" = pled guilty to misdemeanor sex assault of 20 yr old.
Lots happening @ home base, hubby attitude very bad, behavior worse, verbal degrading i.e. after multiple lumbar epidurals placed on bed rest potty privilidges only he states "You're sucking every core out of me" when requested fluids to take meds.
I re read the police report now some almost 4 yrs later to exact anniversary date of "crime".
He has gone from slowly becoming selfish in behavior to out right, will violate our 18 yr "contract" of fair arguing. i.e. follows me to other room with aggressive voice to attempt to get all out screaming fight with me. I respond with 1 request to honor "contract rules" - then follow up to leave to a different room. cant fite & wont
This has resulted in me completely shutting down. Did not attend his hard worked graduation (grad. 2nd in class by less than 200th of pt)- mostly because he would not provide wheelchair, he had agreed to only go to class "party" 1 beer = no more than 1 hr. daugh from out of town had BF go with & had to drag him out = extreme drunk after 3 hrs
Daugh in town for 1st time in over 1 yr, other daugh married previous nite (he failed to show for party or congrat.)
Claims has appt for marriage counseling - later states T chgs appt (i think lie)- found proof he is lying about finances.
He tells me he "bumped into" male that cared for me after life saving surgery (fem-pop)almost lost leg, this male did everything for me, turned sexual, ended relationship -- but he tells me he confronts other male to say "she is in MY home, MINE now" does this in front of daugh that was involved in initial "crime". Pisses me off as this daugh has high risk PG, but I dont respond.
Thru re reading PD report I "feel" he is lying about his supposed "black out loss of memory" = inconsistency in PD statement & statements to me privately.

Not long ago tells me "will never have sexual or intimate contact with me ever again" - allowed to kiss top of my head in public only, my rule now as his public display totally different attempts

found computer relation with past female coworker he admitted to having "strong feelings for" - denies sexual relations. After confronted as pre set rules were that I was allowed to search puter & phone at free will, now erases tracks even in front of me -- I dont confront also rules of sex addicts mtgs etc (now fails to attend those)

Am dead inside, only stay for roof & health insur. as am very weak physically -- need out, but can only do if my past T can fully assist without him knowing ahead of time, must complete in one day for safty.

price I probably will pay is PG daugh will end relation with me completely


do i stay & tolerate this abuse = minor to any past abuses survived

or go and pay price of loss of relation with daugh?
divorce no problem, health bad enuff dead before divorce final (pray for)?

i care about something, not sure what?

ps With Law Change advise re: S.O's you sent to T & Grp behavior severe degrading point also


sincerely, sammy


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#58628 - 11/04/05 01:19 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Sammy

Can you get to your doctor? Please try, you obviously recognise that you need and want help. Is there anyone you could stay with for a time until you are strong enough to make your big decisions about staying or leaving and how to maintain a relationship with your daughter?

Try to be somewhere safe and concentrate on getting onto an even keel until you are better able to care for yourself properly.

Thinking of you

Love

Tracy


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#58629 - 11/04/05 01:42 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sammy,

I know this is very sensitive territory, but from your post it is clear not only that your husband is not adhering to the basic ground rules you established in the past, he is also disrespecting you, emotionally abusing you, and denying you the simple support you need on health grounds. It is also likely that he is engaging in activities that further violate the basic requirements for any relationship.

You post also suggests that you yourself are not coping so well. I feel so badly that all this is happening to you.

I think you need to consult your doctor, as Tracy suggests, and also your T. Do you have any kind of support group of friends who know your situation and whom you can rely on and trust?

I do not know enough about your relationship with your daughter to comment, but I think the big factor now is your own safety. This is just my worried opinion and I have no expertise, but I think you need to lay down some firm rules that actually have to be adhered to, otherwise you are gone. I only say this because he seems to be so utterly indifferent and even hostile to your needs and feelings on every level.

Your own feelings of safety will also improve if you have a place arranged where you can go and stay if you must.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58630 - 11/04/05 04:16 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Thanks Guize for being strong enuff to approach this subject with me.

He called MY T looking for marriage counselor, MY T told him he would not mediate as he is "attached to me" (meaning we already have long standing client relationship)

spouse holds car hostage unless I have a "documented" GP or Cardio appt , so will have to work on that with T ...

I know I am not coping well and am concerned that I may be in a state of misreading him & telling in bad light ... this is a very real possibility not making excuses - REALITY is that I have been under the use of heavy STEROIDS. In past I know from experience this very much can "distort my thinking" -- yet I know what he is doing also very much feels / IS abusive.

I just dont know where to go for safty? Am scared he may try to contact T and tell T my mental health is not "all there" due to proven use of steroids for health reasons.

Am hoping with ya'll''s help & T help - slowly I can get "safe". Want to do this carefully as daugh with High Risk PG could not stand stress & has almost lost baby too many times already. Could never forgive myself if more stress pushed her too hard. She is only a few more weeks to go , which would be best for me too , go slow to ensure safty of us both.

Will call T now in light of Day stronger feeling.

I really don't feel he will "re-offend" due to 1st circumstances - but he is obviously in a very bad place emotionally -- but I gotta get support and safe (i hope that makes sense) only feel he will break his sobriety to sex addiction drugs of choice 1)compulsive masturbation 2) compulsive use of Porn or which ever comes first with that stuff...

**Ken am I fooling myself with thinking he wont re offend? His T you recommended said he is not a (shoot i dont know how to put this) "classic" sex offender** -- hope that made sense --

anyways I hope you guys can hang thru this with me am scared of being ostracized (sp) and or having him ostracized if this is a reactionary thing in his healing???

He began with shutting me out real hard if you remember some of my more recent posts...

Calling T .... thank you I dont feel so alone, no friends here who can guide me without being very biased and or lack of "real knowledge".

Thank you so much will keep you posted.

Sammy


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#58631 - 11/04/05 09:59 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((Sammy))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You sure as Hell don't deserve it.

Now, from what I know of your situation (admittedly it ain't much), this is serious. You're in danger, definitely emotionally, and from what I see physically due to stress and neglect.

I don't think you're misreading it. I know from steroids and perception-altering side-effects depend on the type taken.

I'm most worried about you and your daughter. I know you're concerned about her pregnancy being effected by all this, but sadly it'll be affected by any stress, including you being endangered. What are the worse of two evils? I do think you're being understandably cautious, but if you were my sister, I'd advise you to expedite your leaving within the confines of your safety.

If there's anything I can do, even if it's just to vent, you know how to reach me, or feel free to PM.

Take care of yourself, sister. I care.

Love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#58632 - 11/04/05 10:45 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5777
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Sammy:
I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much crap again. Let me just quickly address a couple points. I have no idea what a "classic sex offender" is (and I've probably worked with 2000-2500 juvenile and adult abusers over the past 25 + years.)

Your hubby sounds like a bully. Control and bullying are bad signs for someone in recovery. The alcohol and porn are bad combos for staying straight. That said, I'm not predicting he will reoffend but sex offense-specific therapy stresses that you have to be aware of your high risk factors. Alcohol and porn are two risky behaviors. So is bullying and pushing away your supports.

If it gets really bad, call your local domestic violence program to talk to someone there. You appear to be in an abusive relationship that might be helped by a restraining order or court order to get him out if you are in danger.

Good luck.
Ken


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#58633 - 11/04/05 10:59 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Thank you Brother Scot,

I did make an appt with my T - I see him the 15th, funny the phone just rang to say spouse has appt Mon??? maybe he isnt lying?

Anyway, talked with GF & we both agree that it is important for me to carefully leave with out spouses knowledge. AND with T's total support no rash decision making

Daugh will be ok has her own strong hubby for herself & no harm will come to her , except maybe extra stress of being enviromentally forced to deal with results of unfinished business from 4 yrs ago.

I asked GF 2 ?'s that I thot were important in my decision to leave and anyone can chime in here.

1) Am / Did I give spouse a "fair chance" at recovery from his own SA issues? (or am i finding reasons to run before he earnestly gets help becuz of my own pre admitted fears of being called on carpet for my past mistakes
we both agreed tho that I had given more than enuff time for him to work hard at his issues he just chose to find reasons not to work on them for what ever his excuse/s

2) I truly was happier for myself and healthier when living on my own - I dont need to carry any guilt about moving back in here when my physical safty really was an issue while I lived @ last place.

This time in my decision to move it will be done without any rash or fast move, it will be planned well and I will have proper assistance with guidance and care from Professionals. It may take a few wks or even a few months but at least it will be done on MY terms, as I can handle it. I will tell my T of my "fears" of his changes and we can decide IF I am in physical danger if so he can help place me in a SAFE house as needed.

Peace and Hugs,
Sammy


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#58634 - 11/04/05 11:18 PM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Sammy,

Quote:
1) Am / Did I give spouse a "fair chance" at recovery from his own SA issues? (or am i finding reasons to run before he earnestly gets help becuz of my own pre admitted fears of being called on carpet for my past mistakes
we both agreed tho that I had given more than enuff time for him to work hard at his issues he just chose to find reasons not to work on them for what ever his excuse/s
It's time to look after you. Do what is best for you. You are the most important person in all this. Your health, your happiness is more important than anyone else's.

Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#58635 - 11/05/05 01:22 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sammy
the only advice that I can give is "THINK!"

Think about yourself first and foremost, okay, your health isn't good. But it'll be a damned sight better without stress and crap.

If you agreed boundaries and rules, then you have every right to expect them to be stuck to. Any changes should be mutual.

The big question has to be "what love is left in your relationship ?"
If it's not two way, then however tough it might be it ain't going anywhere.

Nobody deserves to live a life dominated by mistrust, lies, bullying and deceit.

My best friend walked out of his marriage of 21 years and 3 lovely kids with a supermarket bag of clean underwear.
Six years later his kids are as close to him as they ever were, he's in his own house with a new girlfriend and drives around in a Toyota Celica. He's doing OK, his ex wife has nearly drunk herself to death.

He had friends and family that supported and loved him, and a faith in himself that although it was sorely tested, carried him through.

Only the strong survive Sammy, the rest exist. And I say that as someone who has supported you in every way possible in your relationship with Hubby, but as I said at the top - "THINK"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#58636 - 11/05/05 02:32 AM Re: Rereading Rethinking Ken Anyone?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Sammy,

Ditto to all of the above. Take care of YOU. Carefully. Calling for help via a local domestic violence program will give you more information and assistance on how to remove yourself from a bad situation than anything else.

Listen to Dave and THINK. You know if you feel threatened; that's when it's beyond time to leave. Don't wait until you are harmed.

Be safe.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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