I am not feeling good today, I have experienced a few triggers today. First of all I saw V. this morning in the hospital when I am having some of my classes (he is also doing his internship there). I don't know if he saw me (he was going into a lift) but I decided not to say hello, I decided to run away from him.
This event has triggered me strong ! It all got amplified by the fact that my class all this morning was about "paranoia" ! Yes in view of my last post that's kind of appropriate that I should see V again on that day ! Sure God has a great sense of humour and the absurd !
Anyway, I realized that on the day he was verbally abusive on the phone I dissociated and did not feel the fear. The fear has come today so strong ! I have felt like a four years old, being in the exact moment my father was lifting his arm, holding the dog leather leesh to beat me. I know it is unfair for V. and irrational
(he lost control because of his own pain and inability to express his anger properly but is normally very sweet and caring). But now I have felt that fear, I am afraid to see him, afraid to look at him in his eyes, afraid that if I see him he is going to beat me up.
I got triggered again this afternoon in class, I had to run away, I was feeling scared and trapped for other reason: the enclose space (a sound studio where we were 60 in it) and the music we had to listen (kind of experimental but that reminded me of the "music" my father played at home). Since I can't share with V. right now, I wrote something on http://www.inceste.org
and here so as a way to release the emotions. I really don't want to feel like that with V. I don't want to hurt him and I am not judging him, I just want to share what happened to me because of his behaviour. I am confused about how I should behave if I am seeing him again. There might be a strong possibility of that in the next few days.