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#58529 - 10/29/05 10:28 PM Happy Halloween!
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi all,

I've been on, but haven't posted for a few days so I wanted to stop by and say hello to my new found allies and friends.

I'ts been a good week. Difficult at times, but good all in all. My b/f and I talk daily, we had a lovely dinner on Wednesday, we were out together last night and tonight it's a halloween party - two actually - one at my brother's house and another with friends.

Last night was fun until we got home and then he decided he wanted to talk, which was OK by me. We talked and we cried and we talked some more which is the most important thing. He's still in so much denial over what happened to him as a child and he has so much to deal with that it's overwhelming to him. There is so much self loathing and self blame in his heart and in his head that it breaks my heart. He told me it was much easier to just go on living the life he had and not think. Thanks to what I've learned here, I could say quite confidentally to him that that was never going to be a permanent fix, that he had to deal, he had to feel in order to heal. He agreed, but without as much confidence as I felt.

I tell him and will keep telling him how much I love him and admire him but I know it'll be a long time before he can believe it. But that's OK too, I'm pretty tenatious when it comes to fighting for what I KNOW is right and good and especially for the man I love.

The one thing that upsets me is that even though he'll talk to me, he says he doesn't want me to learn, which is I what I do here. He feels that's he's bringing me into a world that no one should ever know. He's right that no one should ever have to know the pain of s/a, but sadly, that's not real life. I told him that I was not going to stop and he's resigned to that, he knows me too well to believe that I ever would even if I lied and told him OK which I wouldn't do. I've told him about this site and he actually came here at least once but he thought you had to register to read everything, and he wasn't prepared to do that. I told him that he could read, he just couldn't post without registering and I encouraged him to come here again, if nothing else to find that he wasn't alone. He is so lonely and feels so isolated. I hope he can bring himself to reach out to you. He has great confidence in his counselor, but this is a priceless forum for those times when he needs a hand beyond her or me.

We told each other that for tonight, we're going to play and be silly grown-ups dressed up as if we were little kids and nothing would get in the way of our fun. I so want that to happen - we need that after the hellish month we've had, but if at he end of the night, or at any time during, he wants to talk again, then that's what we'll do and put off the fun and frivolity to another night when the time is right.

I can't thank all of you, survivors, friends and family alike, for being such a wonderful sounding board and for offering your life experiences so freely as to help total strangers. I hope you all have more good days than bad and that the bad disappear altogether, sooner rather than later.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58530 - 10/30/05 08:43 PM Re: Happy Halloween!
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Trish

I have my fingers and toes crossed for a happy, silly and frivolous evening together. You both deserve it.

Love

Tracy


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#58531 - 10/31/05 01:19 AM Re: Happy Halloween!
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks Tracy. The whole night and right on through today was a resounding success. I actually haven't had that much fun in a long time and my b/f did too. We laughed so hard at times the tears were flowing. There really isn't anything like being with a family and friends that you love.

I'm tired as all get out tonight and looking forward to a good night's sleep. I know I'll get it, 'cause sleeping is not something I usually struggle with *lol*.

Tomorrow is another day and thanks to this wonderful weekend, my strength has been replenished, so whatever comes, so be it.

Good night.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58532 - 10/31/05 01:36 PM Re: Happy Halloween!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

I have often feel as your boyfriend does - that the hell of CSA is so terrible that I simply don't want to drag anyone one down with me. It's just too much.

I discovered several things wrong with that. One is that to talk like that is defeatist. It' more or less to assume that my ship is going down anyway, regardless of what I do, so the fewer with me the better.

It's also isolationist and a way of denying that we deserve help. But when things are at their worst is when we need those close to us the most.

It is also a mind trick. It's a clever way of avoiding the need to face the fear involved in REALLY asking for help. As your boyfriend lets you in more and more into what he has endured, many very dark and (to him) shameful things will emerge. You know you will believe him and not judge him for what happened to him as a boy, but he and his inner child do NOT know that. This is not a failure to appreciate your devotion and love, but just yet another indication of how difficult survivors find it to trust and offload their feelings of shame and guilt.

Lastly, Trish, life always involves pain. People who do not suffer from abuse as children still endure or will endure issues like rejection, divorce, homelessness, drug addiction, alcoholism, failure in business, the death of those close to us and other personal tragedies of various kinds. A relationship is, sad to say, about dealing with the bad together with the good and learning from those experiences as much as from any others. None of us can entirely protect another from pain, but it sure does help to face it together.

I thought it was especially significant that you said this Trish:

Quote:
He doesn't want me to learn, which is what I do here.
Bingo. As you learn more here you will see so many of the horrors that an abused boy endures and the grown man still struggles with. My very confident guess is that ALL of your boyfriend's present problems and past experiences are here on MS somewhere - those and many others besides. That must be very troubling to him, because in his present state of mind he is insecure about what your reaction will be. Will you be disgusted at what you find here, and hence be disgusted at him? Will you judge him based on what you see here, knowing that he is "a part of this" somehow? And on and on.

I think the answer to your boyfriend is that you are ALREADY in that "world that no one should ever know". There are so many other terrible "worlds", by the way, but this one is important to you because it has affected him. And there is such a positive face to your learning experience here that he should understand. It isn't just a matter that by learning more you are better able to help him, though that is of course true. Fairly soon, if not already, you will be able to tell him that you have seen it all, and that nothing he can tell you about himself will shock you or make you judge or doubt him. Let him appreciate how significant it is that you see what we have gone through and are still going through, but still remain by his side.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58533 - 11/01/05 02:33 AM Re: Happy Halloween!
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Larry,

As always, you cut right to the chase. While needing to talk to me, my b/f is trying to protect me from what he feels I can't handle. He repeatedly tells me that I can't deal with what he might reveal and that I'll look at him differently if he does. I won't of course, no matter what he tells me.

I don't know the full story, he won't tell it and I won't push him to, but what I do know is that he was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by his mother. His father played a part in at least 2 maybe all three of the types of abuse he suffered. Nothing he could possibly reveal to me would be worse and while he blames himself for the vile actions of the adults who should have protected him, I lay the blame right where it belongs. I only wish I could lay it on both of their graves, not just one.

He's told me that his earliest memories of the sexual abuse he suffered were at age 4 and it stopped at age 13. He used to sleep with a knife under his bed and one night, he held the knife to his mother's breast. He told me "they" beat the shit out of him for that. When I asked, "They?" he just said yeah and started to cry.

He didn't leave home until 2 years later. He's been on his own since he was a 15 year old kid. That's about the time he met his highschool girlfriend who became his wife years later. Unfortunately that was a match made in hell as she was emotionally and physically abusive to him as well. He's a big guy so for anyone to believe that he was being abused by his ex-wife is a tough pill to swallow but I absolutely believe it. I believed it before I came here, but reading about how some survivors seem to find themselves "serial" abusive relationships has just re-inforced what I believed in the first place. He was hurt by people who were supposed to love him and that's all he knew. I suppose that's why it's hard for him to believe me when I tell him that I love him and would never hurt him.

When we first started dating, if I reached for his face to stroke his cheek, he would flinch. He just recently told me why. He said it would be so easy for me to move my hand from his face to his throat to choke him and that's what he saw when I touched him. When he told me that, just a week ago, I reminded him that he doesn't flinch anymore when I stroke his cheek or cradle his face in my hands. He actually smiled back at me when I said it. It made me very happy when I realized he didn't flinch anymore, but knowing the reasons why, and knowing that he's past that, made us both happy. It's such a simple thing, but it's a step forward and I'm grateful for it.

As for me telling my b/f that "I'm already in the world that no one should ever know," I said those exact words for the exact reasons you said. I love him, therefore, I'm in it and I will continue to be in it and learn as much as I can. The learning process is as much for me to maintain my sanity as it is for me to help him when I can.

The things he suffered through and fought his way out of, physically, is not anything like the life I've lived. Like most people, I only read about such things in the news papers. I became enraged, closed the paper and by the time I woke up the next day, the story I read was a distant memory.

I know the physical pain I feel when I see how emotionally damaged my big, strong man is and I want to strike back. I can't imagine the hell he's been trapped in for all of these years. Now, at 46, having to fight the fight all over again, and trying to find some peace within himself, must be an even more difficult fight because there is nothing tangible to grab. Nothing he can see to fight.

By the way, he still keeps a weapon under his bed. He leaves his doors unlocked when he goes to bed and then he hardly sleeps. When I told him he could very easily lock the doors so that he's protected while he sleeps, he said no. If the doors are open, then "they" can come in and now he can kill them.

I know he's afraid so I reminded him that he's got not only our loveable pitpull Casey to protect him, but that if anyone ever tried to hurt him again, I'd beat her to their throats! I'm a small woman, so he didn't put much stock in that, but I think he believes it.

We had a great weekend, but today is Monday so he's meeting with his therapist and he'll be sad tonight. That makes me sad, but we both know it's crucial for him to fight the fight. He will and tomorrow is another day to live.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58534 - 11/01/05 05:58 PM Re: Happy Halloween!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

I think I must have said this elsewhere, and in any case this isn't my experience. But if I had been abused by my mother I know for certain it would have wreaked havoc with my ability to handle any relationships - especially intimate relationships - with women as an adult. Survivors get so negative about themselves anyway (here I DO claim expertise), so I would be willing to guess that your boyfriend fears that he will - or has - somehow wrecked his relationship with you just he feels responsible for ruining his relationship with his mother.

Just a thought. But I just bet this issue is red-hot and fraught with difficulties for him. It must make it extra difficult for him to open up and let you in on his deepest fears and feelings.

Trish, it is so great to see how you are handling all this. I just love this one...

Quote:
ROCK ON........
Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#58535 - 11/02/05 03:35 AM Re: Happy Halloween!
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks again Larry. You're 100% right that "this issue is red-hot and fraught with difficulties for him." My b/f has never had a healthy relationship before and has been floundering around like a fish out of water for 4 years.

We've only really argued 2 or 3 times since we've been together, but each time, he thought it meant we broke up. Despite the fact that I may have still been angry with him, I had to laugh at him and explain that people don't just walk away from something good because they hit a bump in the road.

I understand now why he felt the way he did and maybe it was wrong of me to laugh, but I didn't do it maliciously, it was more like teasing him and then assuring him that I was not so easy to get rid of. Maybe he understood that, maybe not, but we're still together, so my response couldn't have been that far off the mark.

As for wrecking the relationship, well he almost did, by his acting out with other women. But again, we're still together. He's knows he never gets another chance on that one. I'm with him for the long haul because of the good and wonderful man he is, but I won't deal with that again - I can't do that to me.

He's working very hard right now to help himself and for as long as he does that, I'll be by his side - I plan on that being forever.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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