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#5843 - 09/10/01 06:22 PM Just split open lately
Anonymous
Unregistered


Façade


I am
Conformity
I am
Elasticity
I am
Flexibility
I am
Precisely
I am
Perceptions

I am? …no
I became…
what
Others
wanted me to be…

I became
what
Survival
needed me to be…

I am a machine..


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#5844 - 09/10/01 08:53 PM Re: Just split open lately
Anonymous
Unregistered


Wow!

Dynamite Don


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#5845 - 09/11/01 09:55 AM Re: Just split open lately
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
michael.......your posting echos my sentiments in so many ways......i too feel like a machine.....i function, but i have no soul....my soul was decimated a long time ago.....i see no hope, all i see is despair....the words " I BECAME WHAT OTHERS WANTED ME TO BE" and the words "I BECAME WHAT SURVIVAL NEEDED ME TO BE" are so profound......i can feel your emptiness and aloneness......if i can help in any way, feel free to contact me.......michael


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#5846 - 09/12/01 10:26 AM Re: Just split open lately
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Michael,

Your words echoed in my head, they just describe so well how parts of it feel for me, and today i still struggle regularly to not be the machine, i try so hard to figure who the hell i am and what do i think, trying to find me has been such a struggle and it continues today, the whole thing about letting go of the survival tools i developed just to stay alive, they are like so in the way right now in my life and its so scary, cus i just dont know anything else..

My kids just started back to school a week or so ago, and my five year old told me the other night that he did not want to go to school, he was not ready, and why cant they just wait till he is ready, and then he said, dad, its too scary, i dont know how to do it and i dont want to, cant i just please stay home and be left alone.

Thats pretty much how i feel about my life.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#5847 - 09/12/01 03:53 PM Re: Just split open lately
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
JOHN......so how did you explain things to your 5-year-old son?????? guess i'd like to know because most days i feel the same way he expressed his feelings to you.....i'm just so scared.....i sure hope he is ok now....i bet he loves to go now to see his new friends.....is your heart still broken????????? michael


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#5848 - 09/13/01 09:12 AM Re: Just split open lately
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Michael,

I was reading a book the other day and it talked about how everyone feels like there situation in life is unique, how everyone feels like they are the only one that is overwhelmed, or freaking out and how everyone definately feels different, but were all the same and how that is like the cruelest joke of life, and you know, that made sense to me.

So i told him that he was not the only one feeling that way and that alot of the other kids were scared too and that he had a choice about how he spent each day at school, because he was going to go each day, he could smile and make the best of it or he could hate it and cry all day and that i thought he would have a better time of it if he looked for things that made him smile, opportunities to have fun and if he got involved in the activities and stayed busy and especially if he introduced himself to some of the guys there and made some friends.

He is doing fine now, took him about four days to get into it.

Now my six year old son is in the first grade and he is having a terrible time adjusting to going to school for full days and he hates his teacher, she is kind of new and not very secure with kids i noticed, i am still working with him every single morning to get him there and he almost always ends up in tears cus he just does not want to be there at all. and if anyone has any suggestions i am open to hearing some!

As for me, i try to take it one day at a time and do the best i can each day, some days i do pretty good, others the stress gets to me, but i get up each day and do what i have to do, and my heart, yeah, it still aches a lto about a lot of things.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#5849 - 09/13/01 06:27 PM Re: Just split open lately
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
John,
It looks like your achy breaky heart still works pretty good! You helped your 5 year old by staying in touch with it. Applause! Was very touched by your loving parenting through the tears of your own pain - what a great dad you are being!

As to your six-year old - I'm sure your heart will lead you through this one too. Calmness and reassurance - repeating that he is safe and secure and has it in him to make a good day of it - despite his feelings - is a message I needed to hear as well - thanks dad

michaelW:
thanks for illuminating a part of me to myself with such elloquence - sometimes words of poets sink deep into my darker recesses exposing my sulking heaviness - and later at some unexpected time bubble up when my mind needs to suspend logic and hear from places of inner light - I look forward to hearing your words again ...thad

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#5850 - 09/14/01 09:57 AM Re: Just split open lately
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Thanks Thad,

You pretty much summarised the plan, and i am following it.

Your validation of my efforts is great to hear.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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