I agree with born to resist-- this stuff *can* actually get overwhelming... I wonder what you and your husband could be doing with those hours you spent mired in this stuff... how much of a load off it would be for both of you to take even a third of that time and spend it connecting in a positive way. Maybe just doing it (even if it means doing like I did, gritting my teeth and spending the afternoon doing boring "guy stuff") will demonstrate what you mean by connecting better than you can explain it.
I remember when my aunt's refrigerator broke-- the repairman told her that part of the problem was that she had piled too much stuff on top of it. The machine needed to run without all the added pressure and lack of "breathing room" caused by the heavy load on top. (This is actually a very comic memory for me; my aunt so surprised and frantic "But where am I going to put all that STUFF?" and the repairman very nonchalantly not caring where she put it, just not on top of the fridge
For me, part of my frustration with my partner getting "overwhelmed" was a fear that it was a procrastination tactic and that he was not serious about doing the work of healing (especially where it involved issues that affected me and the relationship).
I had to realize two things about this fear: one, it was mine and not his, and two, it was based in a real thing that was happening, but not in the way I feared. What was happening, was that I had reached a place where he could not provide the emotional support and general level of responsibility that I needed in my relationship-- until he reached a similar place in his own healing.
It was easier to deal with his lack of intimacy and emotional instability when I could see it as a matter of temporarily divergent paths of healing, rather than allowing my fear to color this as procrastination or unwillingness to heal.
Take care, as always