My husband and I have been down a really long hard road.
We are at the point in couseling that he is looking at himself objectively and trying to figure out what needs to be re-arranged in his mind, discarded or fixed.
He is hesitant about his thoughts and feelings and seems to be shutting some things down (intimacy or any trace of it) and anger has come into play (living on a hairpin trigger).
He feels overwhelmed by all the books etc.
He feels overwhelmed by the hours of conversation we have.
I notice he is only picking up on certain things his therapist said when we went to an appointment together.
I have no doubt he wants to sort things out properly in his mind, but I see him overwhelmed at this point and he doesnt know where to start.
He tells me he doesnt 'get' what I am saying when I say I want to have a connection to him.
It is like his emotions and feelings are buried so far down that he is struggling to have access to them.
He seems stunted.
Is this a natural part of the progression?
Is there something he can do for himself to jump start aligning things?

I know this sounds odd, but the thoughts about what is correct or not in a relationship are so natural to me, that I am frustrated because I can talk blue in the face my thoughts on the subject and he doesnt 'get' it saying how foreign it all sounds.

He feels lost, I feel helpless.

xo

Is this a natural part of the progression?

It is his progression. We each journey along our own path at our own pace. It does sound like he is making progress ... trusing and telling you about his CSA ... seeing a therapist ... reading materials ...

One thing that hits home with me is that I can't think my way to getting better. I have tried so hard to find logic and use interventions to behavior. I finally gave up trying to find logic and just gave in to feeling my way through the pain ... not trying to cover it up and numb it so I could get through the day. Its very overwhelming.

As you both do the tremondous overwhelming work of recovery it's important for both of you to take care of yourselves and be good to yourselves. Sometimes something more soothing works to take a break from how overwhelming it can be. As long as its constructive and not self destructive. I go to the beach. I started playing guitar (signed up for private lessons yesterday). For me at least, I get lost in "playing" around on the guitar, expressing myself, it calms me down, i find momentary clarity, and make progress.

I don't know if this helps ... but for what its worth here's one person's perspective.

BD,

As a survivor who suffers from depression, I wonder if your husband has seen anyone about this possibility.

I will only say this is truly frightening. You feel so out of control and debilitated, but nothing matters anymore. It is an effort to get up, even to go to the bathroom. You feel crushed.

Survivors, with their already intense feelings of inadequacy and failure, are often hesitant to go for help on this one. I can attest to that. But it is a treatable problem, and once your meds are right (it can be hit and miss for awhile) the difference can be amazing.

Even without this problem coping with abuse is difficult, but your post ran up all kinds of red flags for me. Check it out.

Take care,
Larry

Thank you guys, your support helps me support him.
I am having a 'can't see the forest for the trees' moment....
I will look into depression.

This is something is projected 'super-ego' swore it would never deal with. It seems to be taking a toll, especially with the emotional shut down and anger.

Hi bd,

I agree with born to resist-- this stuff *can* actually get overwhelming... I wonder what you and your husband could be doing with those hours you spent mired in this stuff... how much of a load off it would be for both of you to take even a third of that time and spend it connecting in a positive way. Maybe just doing it (even if it means doing like I did, gritting my teeth and spending the afternoon doing boring "guy stuff") will demonstrate what you mean by connecting better than you can explain it.

I remember when my aunt's refrigerator broke-- the repairman told her that part of the problem was that she had piled too much stuff on top of it. The machine needed to run without all the added pressure and lack of "breathing room" caused by the heavy load on top. (This is actually a very comic memory for me; my aunt so surprised and frantic "But where am I going to put all that STUFF?" and the repairman very nonchalantly not caring where she put it, just not on top of the fridge )

For me, part of my frustration with my partner getting "overwhelmed" was a fear that it was a procrastination tactic and that he was not serious about doing the work of healing (especially where it involved issues that affected me and the relationship).

I had to realize two things about this fear: one, it was mine and not his, and two, it was based in a real thing that was happening, but not in the way I feared. What was happening, was that I had reached a place where he could not provide the emotional support and general level of responsibility that I needed in my relationship-- until he reached a similar place in his own healing.

It was easier to deal with his lack of intimacy and emotional instability when I could see it as a matter of temporarily divergent paths of healing, rather than allowing my fear to color this as procrastination or unwillingness to heal.

Take care, as always
SAR

Sar,
as usual....you always know just what to say!
Thank you!!

You make the statement:
For me, and many other survivors, burying emotions or switching them off is a way of coping when things get too much. It's what I did throughout my childhood and throughout my abuse years.

Now it's a natural reflex, and also one that I know I do consciously when things get too much. I'm now trying to be in control of that and use it as a tool and not a total place of escape or denial.

Give him time and love him through it. He'll resurface when he's ready.