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#58254 - 03/10/04 06:58 PM Horrible gossips
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Hello everyone ! Sorry about the long silence, I was just recovering from the whole "pressing charges" experience. I have been feeling better but got hit right away by huge financial problems. Hard to keep my head above water.
I have explained a few weeks ago that I have been the victim of horrible gossips by a guy of the French web site http://www.inceste.org, a male survivor. When I turned him down because I wasn't interested in him, I told him I wanted to be absolutely true to my friend V (also survivor) whom I love. As a result, the guy repeated all of the conversations I had with him about V with V himself in the most horrible and nasty way. He knew when he did that V would be badly hurt and in consequence would be crazy, angry with me. That's what happened but I only found out yesterday how tragic it has been for V. and the stuff V believed were true about me.
It started last Sunday, I felt he was not well so I sent him an sms. He rang me 45 min later, in rage, verbally abusive, accusing me of harassment, saying he did not want to see me or hear about me or receive anything from me (though the previous night he had come to the usual Saturday dinner of the website knowing that I would be there !). I was in shock, it was like suddenly the nice person I knew had disappeared. I tried to make him talk about the whole story/gossips, the true reasons for his anger and he got even more violent. I told him he never heard my side of the story and I started to tell him my version. He kept interrupting me, he did not want to listen to me. After that I spent the whole night crying.
Then, a friend of mine posted something about violence, how she can't stand violence and she doesn't understand how people can be violent with each other. She was refering to a friend of her who is being beaten by her boyfriend. But then, out of the blue, V sent a very violent letter to my friend, accusing her to be "on my side" and talking about him on the forum and making allusion to him and his mother (he has been abused by his mother), making references to a relationship that was inexistant as far as he was concerned (I mean my friend was talking of another couple right ?). He actually recognized then that he had been verbally violent with me on the phone. He went on completely paranoied about the kind of person I was: manipulative, mean, crazy. He accused me of taking photos of him when he did not know and accused me of spreading them on the internet to make people believe we were together. He then went on saying how insane I am because of my spiritual beliefs and what he knows from other people about me being a healer (when I told him in September I wanted to share my very special and beautiful experiences with the spiritual world and how it has changed my life completely he chose not to hear me !).
He screamed that if I was doing art therapy to help male survivors it was because I wanted to cure him and so on.
He also went on about how happy he is right now with someone he loves (completely untrue in view of the sad face he had on Saturday when he regularly glanced toward me all through the evening \:\) because I did look gorgeous \:D )
I am devastated because the evil gossiping have deeply hurt him at a moment when he needed to believe he could trust me. I know in a way part of the problem is that he had turned me into this ideal person (to replace his mother) that I can never be. I am so hurt ! Beyond his violent words, I can still reach out to see his pain, feeling of humiliation and also his fears. I think he is afraid of my spiritual life/gifts, of being vulnerable (because of my insights and because of my work with male survivors) and maybe of losing me (he also found out that I had spent the evening of St Valentine out with a guy while he was at the inceste.org dinner party (actually very strange after saying he had a girlfriend and a very happy sex life). I think he is also afraid of the changes in me,because I am healing fast,I am taking risks (like going to a biodanse workshop)and meeting guys (I actually met two guys but that's enough to make him unsecure and jealous).
I cannot make sense of such a burst out of paranoia and violence; I know he has been hurt for weeks (the whole nasty gossips started mid January)and he kept all his emotions bottled up inside.
As a response, I told my version to one of his friends and to him I wrote I would not allow him to judge my spiritual life when he did not know nothing about it and refuse to hear me talk about it. I told him that my "collection" of photos was down to 5 (I had given him some copies even !) and I told him "What the hell do you think you are to criticize my professional choices and think that my life revolves around you ? You don't need me to heal, I think you are doing great on your own".
Anyway, this is a long post but if you can help me with that sudden paranoia, I would be so grateful. I must add that I have always been kind with him, showing love and tenderness, being supportive. My only BIG mistake is having trusted people in a moment of solitude and despair who were extremely jealous and dysfunctional people.
Thank you guys for the support.

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#58255 - 03/10/04 07:33 PM Re: Horrible gossips
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
caro,
this is just a short response to start with so that hopefully you will get it quickly. i will respond more later.

you are correct in that the one thing you did was reach out to people who were far more dysfunctional than you knew they were. i do not consider that a mistake. if you kept going back to those same dysfunctional peopel and giving them more trust when they have so clearly abused it then that would be a mistake. reaching out to people is not wrong, putting yourself in danger that you are aware of existing is wrong for yourself. you reached out to these people in good faith, v in cluded, and they are so wrapped up in their pettiness that they cannot see beyond their own nose. it is one thing to be in pain and lash out blindly when in a true state of extreme emotional confusion...still not justified, but it is understandable. the difference in being a human being and an asshole is that the human being can admit to their extreme behavior and ask forgiveness of the one they have wronged. the asshole just keeps spitting the same drivel. i know how you feel about v, caro, and deep down i understand his pain...but that does not give him the right to treat you as he has done. he does feel remorse, so he is not the kind of asshole i outlined above, what he is, though, is a very tormented human being who cannot find a balance yet and he is destroying those around him as well as himself with his blindness.

you did nothing wrong, caro. nothing can take back the pain and heartache you have gone through as a result of the fool that started all of this. what you can do is continue to stand for yourself as you have done. perhaps if you can take a spell away from the group then you can regain your own balance. that might not be practical for many reasons. the only thing i can really suggest at this point, caro, is that you avoid the people in this group who would do you harm, including v. there is no way to change the mind of a bigot so everytime you do have a confrontation it will come out badly for you because of your contnued dispair. over it. i will say more later. i hope you get this before you log off. take care, my friend.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#58256 - 03/12/04 01:53 PM Re: Horrible gossips
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi Caro:

This is not so good....

Would it be possible to "evacuate" yourself from this whole circle?

With all the other issues that are going on in your life right now, further contact with these people would be less than helpful. You already have so many "fights" & conflicts going on - these "nasties" can only make it worse.

And that includes V!

Regardless of how he has been damaged by the sad circumstances of his early life, there is no excuse for cruelty. Yes, it takes all kinds of people to populate our little planet. V can behave any way he sees fit. He is making a deliberate & CONSCIOUS choice to be boorish and insensitive - and that is his right. But such a person does not deserve any more compassion than would be average. Hopefully, he will heal himself some day. You can now consider your own "responsibility" toward him as being over.

Caro, I wish you peace & a sense of closure. I am here in case you need to PM.

HUGS!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#58257 - 03/12/04 06:20 PM Re: Horrible gossips
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Hey ! Thanks for the support !
I don't want to be removed from that circle because there are very good people too in that circle !
I have realized lately that my connection with V (I mean it in a higher spiritual level) trapped me into his darkest fears that are ruling his life. So as a consequence, fears came into my life and stopped my progress. Strangely enough, his violent response came on Tuesday. On the previous evening I went to a biodanza workshop and while doing it I had a vision of his current state of mind (not good !), his true wishes, and hopes (I was there \:\) !) and then I had the vision of his darkest fears. Then I was leaving him to go towards a bright white light and I left him on the side of the road undecided about what to do !
So the angry response of Tuesday was a way to connect again and hold me prisonner !
I managed to break the energetical connection and things are better for me today. A friend made sure I can continue the biodanza workshop (I am so poor right now !) and I have finalized my internship in a psychiatric hospital (don't laugh ! I am not going to stay there !!!!).
I want to understand this parano phase ! Sure I will have to deal with it in my future practice as art therapist.
So questions to survivors: have you experienced this phase ???
Thank you !

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#58258 - 03/17/04 12:58 AM Re: Horrible gossips
scarman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/09/04
Posts: 74
Loc: London On Canada
Tough situation you are in.......

I can see that you care about these people alot, or you wouldn't be bothered to put so much time and effort into trying to help them,(and reflexly yourself). Having said that, I think you do need to protect yourself abit more. Bounderies, bounderies.....Please don't let anyone treat you unfairly. You are a person who deserves respect. Demand it and you will recieve it. Please be careful about getting too wrapped up in trying to "heal" others. It doesn't go that way. "We" need to do all of the healing on our own. You can help, by being supportive and nurturing, but we need to do it, or it won't last. Just listen. Try and fight the urge to "fix" the problems we are facing. You and I both know that it is easier to see what to do to get better when looking from the outside in. Don't force things, this will only push us further back into a corner. Speaking for myself only, but when I get into a corner, you will not win!! I will fight everything, just because.....I can't explain why, but just know that this is the case.

first and foremost, please take care of yourself. Then you can start thinking of helping others. Remember that it is ok to step back every now and then, and say,"I need help".

peace and love,

shawn ;\)

_________________________
scarman stands for the tatoos I have, and also the emotional scars I've accumulated from my past.

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