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#58248 - 10/20/05 02:03 PM My boyf's younger brother was CSA by same perp. My boyf does not know
riviera Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 59
Loc: Spain
Hi

Ever since my boyfriend's recovery started he has had the need of reuniting his brothers and sisters and talk openly about who he is and why he is going through the recovery process. In the last 8 months a lot has been done. But never beforeI have seen him expressing his needs and wants in such a strong and determined manner as I did yesterday. The need is growing like a seed turns into a plant and then into a beautiful flower.

We will be over in Ireland for Christmas. He has talked to all of them at some point in the last months (over the phone to all and in person to 2 sisters) but he'd love to see them all together around him and have the chance of being listened and supported. He is very nervous about this but at the same time he feels excited and strong enough to do it. I can't but encourage him.He is now preparing himself for that, making notes of things he'd like to tell them and so on.

The thing is that he doesn't know that his younger brother was also CSA by his perp. According to my boyfriend's older sister when my boyf tried to kill himself at the age of 21 and then they found out about the abuse, his younger brother mentioned something about things happening to him as well. Unfortunately there was no further investigation or talk. Apparently they thought he was trying to mirror my boyfriend. Also I guess cause of denial from the family and trying to get over it as quick as they could (same with my boyf).

Now the point is that my boyf has mentioned to his younger brother briefly about his recovery, the improvements,etc. He reckons his younger brother acts just cold about it. He doesn't know why.

I'd like to tell him as I don't want him to be disappointed if his brother rejects the invitation for the family reunion. The tricky part is that I know he is going to be devastated as he always states that " he is grateful it was him and not any of his brothers or sisters. They couldn't have resisted it"
On top of this his younger brother is going through a very tough time at the moment due to a personal problem that has nothing to do with CSA.

What should I do? should I talk to his sister (the one who knows) and ask her to talk to his younger brother? or my boyfriend?
Should I tell my boyfriend? Should I let things go and see what happens? He might turn up to the family reunion, he might talk to my boyfriend himself...

Thanks for your support
XXX
H


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#58249 - 10/20/05 02:16 PM Re: My boyf's younger brother was CSA by same perp. My boyf does not know
fozzy_bear Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 54
Loc: Upstate NY
My perspective is that divulging belongs to the abused. You can't take that away from the younger brother unless maybe you think they are in serious danger. As long as he has shared it with people, he will probably share with him at some point. Someone can suggest he tell his brother but I wouldnt want it to look like you guys are ganging up on him. You can tell the younger brother to sign in here and he can read about and maybe share ideas on CSA.


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#58250 - 10/20/05 08:59 PM Re: My boyf's younger brother was CSA by same perp. My boyf does not know
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Riviera,

I know this is a difficult situation, but I think that under no circumstances should you intervene.

One of a survivor's greatest traumas is that of betrayed trust and a feeling that all the world is unsafe for him. If you tell ANYONE, I am sure that would be only with the best intentions. But then other people would act with similar intentions, and finally it would reverberate back to the younger brother and probably also your boyfriend. Both will feel "outed" and disempowered.

I can assure you that if this were to happen to me, it would be months before I would ever talk to anyone again. It would not be a matter of sulking, but of reverting to an extreme defense of boundaries.

Perhaps someone else has a suggestion for a clever way through this impasse, but frankly, I don't see one. The difficulty is that once you tell someone what you know, you have no further control on what happens with this information

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58251 - 10/20/05 11:47 PM Re: My boyf's younger brother was CSA by same perp. My boyf does not know
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
The younger brother has to take ownership of the abuse and have the choice to share what happened or not. I agree with Larry and Fozzy-bear. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#58252 - 10/21/05 11:48 AM Re: My boyf's younger brother was CSA by same perp. My boyf does not know
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
This is the sort of thread I wish I'd read three months ago. I have a friend who works in local social services and I asked him if he could find out if my partners abuser was on a register at all. My thinking being that should my partner ever want to take it further it might help him to know if the man was a serial abuser. The abuser has learning difficulties and so I thought he might not have been that adept at covering his tracks.

My partner found out before the enquiry and it was a very painful process for both of us.

He felt betrayed. ANY interference with something so close to the source of all that pain was unimaginable to him. and to me now! But it was something I bitterly regret and I think we are possibly both still feeling the repercussions of my actions 3 months later.
I wish I'd known about this site back then.


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#58253 - 10/21/05 11:57 AM Re: My boyf's younger brother was CSA by same perp. My boyf does not know
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Tracy,

Again, our partners and others who care about us really need to avoid beating themselves up over things like this. There really is NO way you would have known. No one, unless they happen to be a professional therapist or social worker, is properly prepared to respond to these kinds of pressures and agonies.

My sister came close to "outing" me earlier this year. She knows who my perp is and she asked my Dad if he remembers him. She only did that because she cares, and for my Dad it was probably just an ordinary question. But I just felt so insecure and freaked out by what happened. It's hyper-vigilance about boundaries, because our boundaries were so brutally violated in the past.

The only way through this kind of mess is to talk about it, so I'm glad you are here.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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