I have been dating the most wonderful man during the past year. He is caring, honest and loyal. It took a few months of dating for us to come to the discussion about him being molested as a child. The conversation came up in a healthy discussion about our own intimacy. The discussion was initiated by myself because I thought he was losing interest in me sexually. he had previously explained that the longer we were together, the better things would become for us, but it wasn't the case. The intervals of our intimacy became longer. I had suspected that there was an issue with sex, that was deeper than a low libido and I ws correct. He only explained that there was something in his childhood that was very inappropriate. He didn't get into anything specific, but explained that was part of the reason his past relationships ended because of his disinterest in sex. He even explained that he hasn't been more comfortable about sex since he he's been with me. He feels as though he has come along way since his past. Following that discussion, our intimacy has become more frequent.
I am still concerned about some of the issues that we face with our intimacy. It sometimes seems one-sided. There is plenty of attention on me and my body, and he does let me reciprocate some of the actions. But there are some parts of his body that he doesnt want me to touch and certain acts that he absolutely refuses me to return to him.
Last night we spoke about his harsh reaction to me wanting to try certain things. None of it is out of the ordinary, perverse or extreme - but it makes me feel bad that I even brought it up. He can see my point of view about how his reaction can be harsh, and he sweetly explained that these are his boundaries. He attributes these boundaries to "the situations of the past"
Today he is upset and worried that this has come up as a problem in a relationship, something that he thought he was so far past, but with each new person that he dates it comes up again. Unfortuneatly he sees this problem as the demise of all his relationships. I love him soo much and would never want him to do anything he didn't enjoy. And I understand that there are boundaries with everyone, including myself.
Now I feel terrible for bringing the conversation up. I explained that this doesn't change my love for him and that trying anything else for us sexually was not a priority.
Will these attitudes towards sex evolve over time? I wish I knew how to handle this the right way and would love any feedback.
partner of a male survivor