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#58148 - 10/16/05 06:44 AM SEEKING SUPPORT FROM FAMILY/ FRIENDS
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
This has been a very liberating weekend for me. I have been cautious about who I tell my history of abuse. I decided because of recent events that I needed to seek the support of the people I knew would love and support me. I have know about my abuse (rape at age 5) for ten years. I have told maybe 2-3 people. I knew that my history would remain confidental and safe. I guess I was holding back due to shame. This shame however belongs to the rapist who raped me. I just realized that I have been stuck in the shame mode for the last few years. At any rate I arranged to speak with my brother in law, he is a great person who told that the family had been worried about for a long time and that he was glad that I was reaching out. I explained that I did not tell my sisters because I knew some would freak out, some would not be able to accept it and others would become mad at blame my mother. I walked with him for an hour, talked about the years of confusion, interrupted adolscents and then went to a burger place and had a great cheese burger and beer. I felt as if a ton weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. He then told me that I was wise not to tell everyone, that I had nothing to be ashamed of.He aggreed that my plan of working out and dating with the support of a therapist was a good plan. Small, safe steps that will bring me to safe place.
I spent today with my lab buddy, his wife & family and explained to them my talk with my brother in law. I had shared an apartment with this couple for years and shared many happy events. I realized that they were there for me now and had been in the past. I again could feel the shame and depression leave me.


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#58149 - 10/16/05 09:15 AM Re: SEEKING SUPPORT FROM FAMILY/ FRIENDS
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jaay,

I am so glad to read that you have done this. I think it is always best for a survivor new to the path of recovery to disclose only to safe people, those whom he knows will respond and support him. All the rest can wait. And man, do I hear you when you talk about a liberating experience!

You said: "I felt as if a ton weight had been lifted off of my shoulders." When I told my sister (first one I disclosed to), I felt the same way. I thought Oh my God, she believes me! Thinking about it later, I could see that by talking I was empowering myself once again. I was able to reject the shame and guilt and throw it back to the guy it belongs to. He had used shame and guilt to shut me up and keep me alone and frightened. By speaking to safe people I reconnected to those who really care about me and was able to start offloading all the crap he had dumped on me.

The rest of your plan is spot on so far as I can see. I especially liked this:

Quote:
Small, safe steps that will bring me to safe place
A lot better than the "pain is gain" path that we often tend to follow. Who needs the trauma all over again? Yes, there will be bad days and a lot of pain to face, but the way you are doing this - safe steps guided by a therapist - has got to be the way to do it.

Well done Jaay!

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58150 - 10/16/05 06:16 PM Re: SEEKING SUPPORT FROM FAMILY/ FRIENDS
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Jaay, this is great news! I am glad that you had the opportunity to share with people who could support you the way that your brother-in-law and your lab buddy and his family did. Good job and thanks so much for sharing your news with us all.

SAR


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#58151 - 10/17/05 11:42 PM Re: SEEKING SUPPORT FROM FAMILY/ FRIENDS
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
ROADRUNNER......

Do you run? Has this helped with your recovery?


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#58152 - 10/17/05 11:55 PM Re: SEEKING SUPPORT FROM FAMILY/ FRIENDS
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hi Jaay,

Well, I USED to run... does that count? ;\)

The screen name is taken from my favorite cartoon character when I was a kid...

Okay, when I was college as well...

Okay, in grad school too...

Okay, as a young father for the sake of my kids...

Beep beep,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#58153 - 10/19/05 04:08 AM Re: SEEKING SUPPORT FROM FAMILY/ FRIENDS
JAAY Offline
Member

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Roadrunner,

Beep, Beep!

I hope that I am daddy someday! I love cartoons and having nieces and nephews!

All the best!
JAAY


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