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#58142 - 10/18/05 02:51 PM Re: I don't know what my role should be
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
SAR - My b/f is going to a therapist that he saw many years ago when his memories reared their ugly head. He is also going to incest survivor meetings. He did this 12 years ago. He didn't tell me why he stopped, but it's my guess that he could not handle it alone. He was alone then and he is alone now, except for me, who is the only one who knows what he suffered.

I'm terrified that he will choose the path of least resistance again and just go on doing what he was doing because it's less painful. Although I know and he knows it would only be a short term fix, it has to be easier than confronting and trying to deal with the nightmare that is reality.

I will be there if he'll let me, but that in itself will be hard for him. He has never relied on anyone to help him through life. He divorced himself, legally, from his family at 15 and has been 100% on his own since then. Despite everything, he graduted high school with Nat'l Honor Society honors, went on to college and began and continues to thrive in a very successful career. In his mind, he can do anything without anyone.

In our closest moments, despite what he says, he isn't so sure. This is a very difficult barrier to get through, but I will try.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58143 - 10/18/05 03:19 PM Re: I don't know what my role should be
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:
Originally posted by roadrunner:
...a friend of my Dad's bought a house and wanted to rent it, but it needed a lot of interior work, especially painting, and he did not have the time to do it himself. It was summertime, so he spoke to my Dad, then to me, and offered me what seemed to me a fortune to paint this house.

I was shocked not because of the money, but because I automatically assumed that this was a come-on. He wanted me for sex and the house was just going to be the place; there would be no painting. I thought wow, I didn't know he liked me that way. I immediately accepted. But when I got to the house, lo and behold, there were brushes and rollers and cans of paint everywhere! I thought oh okay, so it IS a real job, alright. But I felt somehow rejected, not wanted, and I wondered what had I done wrong.

I tell you this to illustrate how abuse can totally mess a boy up. Other kids are learning the social skills they need, they are discovering how to maintain and protect their boundaries, and they are developing important emotional tools; all that is what they need for adulthood. The abused boy, on the other hand, is learning to accept and act on every possible negative idea about himself, the world, and his place in it. I was ready to do anything with my father's friend, though he had never ever shown the slightest inappropriate interest in me, because I thought that's the only reason he would offer me the job. It never occurred to me that I was actually a damn good painter, or for that matter, a good anything else except sex toy...
Larry - Thank you for putting into words so perfectly what is at the core of so much for me personally. It's one of the more profound things I've ever read here. I'm sitting here in tears having the above hit my like a big truck. It's what I've known, but never really figured out the reality of it. There's a reason why I feel uncomfortable when someone sits next to me in Sunday School class - it's hard to imagine they're not setting me up for something. If someone is displeased with me, is it any wonder that I wonder if they would like to hit me? When my wife is not telling me she loves me, does it mean she planning to leave me? You see how twisted this goes on and on.

Trish - I'm really sorry things are where they are with your boyfriend. I was SA by an older brother, my father was physically abusive, and my mother was (and still is) emotionally abusive, so I can understand somewhat of where your boyfriend is at with a dysfunctional family. There's a lot of good insight in this thread. If there's any particular thought I would echo, it would be this: "messed up" doesn't begin to describe what's going on in us; it's demons that are never satisfied, they feed and feed and feed. We breathe only because it's an involuntary reflex. I hope you can help your boyfriend and that he will let you in; you sound like the kind of caring, loving person he needs in his life.

_________________________
Eddie

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#58144 - 10/19/05 02:11 AM Re: I don't know what my role should be
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you again to all who posted to me. I took Larry's advice and wrote a letter. It took me hours to remember and put down on paper some of the wonderful things we've enjoyed in the last 4 years and to express my love and respect for my b/f. I read and re-read the letter and edited it for two days until it said what I wanted it to say and hopefully, what he will need to hear.

I was so anxious to get it to him. I went to the house tonight after work, like I do once or twice a week, to see the dog and I was going to leave it on the kitchen counter. My b/f lives on a dead end street, the driveway is long and the house is set back, so I didn't see his truck until I was only one house away. I braked very quickly and pulled into his neighbor's drive to turn around and drive home. I've read here many times that he has to be ready to see me so I didn't want to just show up and...I don't know what.

I sobbed like a baby all the way home. Never, not once in 4 years, I have I turned from him when there was something I needed to say. Tonight broke my heart. Even more frightening is that I don't know if he saw me. I don't know if he just got home or if he didn't go to work at all. I think I'm even more afraid that he saw me and thinks I turned away. My head is spinning!

All I want to do is call him, but I won't. I'll wait 'till morning and leave my letter then, when I know he'll be at work. If the truck is still there, I'll go in, just to be sure he's alright.

I also just found out a few minutes ago that a friend of ours has leukemia. She was admitted to the hospital tonight and the doctors are planning on her being there for at least 3 weeks. I won't find out more until later tonight and can't see her until tomorrow. Do I tell him? Do I just deal with it on my own and tell our friend that he just can't get to the hospital?

Damn! I'm so scared and confused.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#58145 - 10/19/05 10:51 AM Re: I don't know what my role should be
TRACYUK Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Well done for writing that letter Trish. You sound so raw as it is, I'm so sorry about your friend.
Do you have anyone else you could lean on at the moment, a friend or relative. You sound like you need some support for yourself if you are going to be able to be in this for the long run.

Look after you

Thinking of you

Tracy


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#58146 - 10/19/05 11:06 AM Re: I don't know what my role should be
wantstohelp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 26
I wanted to say congrats too for finishing the letter. I find the hardest part about letter writing is the sitting back and waiting part after, so if you ever need to talk about any anxiety that might come out of this, you can personally message me any time.

I hope your friend will be ok as well. In my experience with my bf/ex is that he is not able to handle new crises, but feels a tremendous amount of guilt at not being able to 'step up to the plate' type of thing. Perhaps you could tell him about her illness, but that it's ok and that everyone will understand if he cannot be there for her or you if he needs to just deal with his stuff at the moment? I don't know.. it's just an idea. Every survivor is different, and from all I know, he could find comfort in finding the strength within himself to be there for someone else. People are so different that it's hard to give any sort of universal adive. But good luck!

We're rooting for you!


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#58147 - 10/19/05 02:26 PM Re: I don't know what my role should be
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thank you Tracy and wantstohelp. Your words of encouragement mean everything.

I did go to my b/f's house this morning and his truck was in the driveway. I panicked. My heart was racing so fast I didn't think I could even walk to the door. When I stepped into the kitchen, I saw our dog, sleeping as usual, so that was a good sign. I went upstairs and knocked on the bedroom door, that in itself was odd, I never knocked before. I heard him move and stepped inside. Such a relief, he was OK.

He told me he'd been having a bad week, called out sick yesterday and would work from home today. He was glad to see me. That meant everything! I didn't stay because I had to get to work, but we held hands and hugged each other tight. That felt so good.

I did leave the letter I wrote on the kitchen counter and I hope and pray that I will hear from him before I lie down to sleep tonight. We'll see and I'll deal with whatever comes.

But for now, I feel very hopeful. I do love him so much!

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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