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#57852 - 02/09/04 02:02 PM my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
hismom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/09/04
Posts: 2
Loc: Ohio
I'm not his mom, but I have been raising him since he was 15. When he was 14, his real mom's fiance sexually abused him. We found out later he had committed sodomy and other acts, including filming him with other children his age. The guy went to jail - and is out. His mom stuck by the slimeball, and wants them all to "be a happy family". The probation officer only knows about the films - he does not know about the rape. He could go back to jail. His mom begs him to keep his mouth shut and move on. My stepson does not want anymore counceling - he did not tell his councelor the truth anyway. HOWEVER, he has not healed. He is now 17, almost 18, and has not has closure. He does not want to take him back to court as his mom says she will kill herself. I just want my son (stepson) to HEAL. He seems "normal" and is in a good relationship with a very understanding young lady who knows the whole story. He's acting out in other ways though, by lieing, cheating and even stealing. I don't know if the abuse is why. He's a very talented, funny and cute young man - but I JUST KNOW (moms intuition) he's hurting inside. He feels pressured by his own mom. Any advice???
THANKS for listening - I really appreciate it....


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#57853 - 02/09/04 02:20 PM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
he is an adult now, i every way that counts. what you can do is offer support, and respect his wishes. i hate to see anyone get away with it, but in the end, your son is the one that will have to deal with it if it goes to trial. he would have to testify and reopen wounds he isnt ready to. this is his battle to fight. perhaps let him know you are there for him and recommend this site if he would like to talk to guys who lived through what he has. ultimately though, he will have to be the one who works it out. his mom really gets mire ire up, but we can't change others. we can only live our lives the best we can. IMHO

jeff

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#57854 - 02/09/04 02:31 PM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
HisMom,

It's so great that you're trying to help this young man, who has obviously been through a lot, to try and heal. It's a tricky situation, though, since he's almost an adult and you cannot force him to take this (expletive deleted) to court. Much as I'd like to see him back in jail, and much worse, since I'm a survivor.

However, if he's acting out in different ways, he CLEARLY needs some additional help. He doesn't want to go back into therapy. I understand that. Having battled clinical depression (before the repressed memories of my SA came back), I know what a bloody chore it was, going to therapy, going to outpatient treatment, etc. My own opinion, though, is that his resistence is LESS about being tired of it all than his completely understandable lack of trust. Clearly, it's been violated twice, first by his abuser, then by his biological mother who's supposed to protect him.

I'm no expert therapist, the only expertise I have is being s survivor. The best advice I can give you is continually be there for him, listen to him, and support him. He needs that, now more than ever. Have you mentioned this site to him? Perhaps if he comes here and just reads the posts first, he'll become more open to talking about his situation and looking for the help he needs. There are guys (and women) from all walks of life here, and we're good listeners. He doesn't even have to post if he doesn;t want to. But I think he will soon, because people soon find they NEED to open up about what happened to them, and this place is as safe as any. Clearly, it's saved my life, and that's no exaggeration.

Finally, be good to yourself as well. Wanting and needing to help him is a good and noble thing, but if you wear yourself down, you'll be no help to him. You need to decompress, particularly with the pain you're feeling for him and the (again, thoroughly justifyable) anger/hatred you feel toward this completely (expletive deleted) woman who is totally self-absorbed and in denial. You are doing a wonderful thing, and you need to remember it, even during the times when it doesn;t seem to be working. It is.

I hope you and your family can find peace during this difficult time. He also needs to hear repeatedly that it's not his fault and there is NOTHING for him to be ashamed of. He may "know" this, but he'll need to hear it again and again before he starts "believing" it. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to send me or the moderators/social workers here if you need ANY help.

Peace and love, my sister.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#57855 - 02/09/04 07:48 PM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
HisMom
There's not much I can add to what's already been said here, but I'll try.

It's hard to deal with kids this age at any time, they think they're adults, you still see the kid to a degree.
I can remember some of what I was like at 17, ( 33 years ago ) and I was out of control, drinking, drugs, driving illegal cars under the influence of both, bunking off college and failing a full years exams. And when that kind of lifestyle is being lived you have to lie, steal and cheat to maintain it.

Somehow I grew out of it before I - A. Got caught, and B. Killed myself. But although I can put some of my behaviour down to the betrayal of trust / abuse that I experienced, some was just plain teenage idiocy.

I hung onto my 'secret' until I was 45, and started to deal with my problems then.
Your son does have the advantage that what he went through is out in the open to those ( very few ? ) people he might trust. And as long as you don't betray that trust then he'll know where to come when the time is right.

In the end, the 'sex' isn't the hardest part to deal with, it's the fact that we were ripped off big time by the perps, and in some cases by those who should have dished out care, justice, and even love after the abuse was discovered.

The person I hate most is the headmaster of my old boarding school. He didn't abuse me sexually, other older boys and teachers did that. But when he was told by me what had happened he believed them and punished me for lying. It took me 31 years to trust another person, and I was married for 25 of those !

Your son has his trust in others shattered beyond the comprehension of most people, somebody has to begin the slow and painful task of rebuilding that trust, and a demonstration of trust will go a long long way.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57856 - 02/10/04 08:30 PM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
He's at a tough and awkward age in regards to this, I should know I'm just a couple of years older. All you can do is be there for him, when he needs a shoulder, or even when he is scared to lean on someone, be there for him, by this you will help rebuild his trust and will show him not all mothers want something from their children. What his biological mother is doing is very wrong, and you need to show him that you are not like that, and that you will not be like her. You need to show him that you just want what's best for him, that you want him to heal, and in time that can help him realize what he needs to be ok. I may sound like a broken record, but you just have to be there for him, whether he wants to talk or not, whether he wants the hand you offer or not, just make sure that hand is always an option for him. Sorry if this isn't much help, but it's the only advice I have, I wish you and him both good luck, and good things.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#57857 - 02/10/04 09:43 PM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Hey His mom...

He is really lucky to have you. The guys here have said some really good things. Being there "whenever" is a really strong point.

I was in a situation recently that brought me here because of a boy who just 'walked into my house' and stayed. I knew about the years of neglect, but not about all the abuse before he moved here. I did what I could, learned all I could from various resources, and did a lot of listening. He needed a lot of love...REAL love, the kind with lots of hugs and positive encouraging words. (I'm a hugger!) He responded incredibly well, and there were marked positive changes in him.

I can't exactly talk about what's up now, because I'm in a legal situation, where I have been accused of all kinds of INSANE things. Luckily, I can prove every one of them false. I still believe we did the right thing in supporting and loving him.

It seems like you have a relationship with your stepson. I don't know what your lifestyle or personality or whatever is like, but don't be afraid to love him. There is no stronger thing than love, and it IS magic! It makes miracles. He will feel the difference between someone who wants him to just shut up and live with it, and someone who cares enough to put him FIRST. He deserves the protection, the "nurturing" and the courtesy of being able to feel safe and having his feelings "validated". He's the kid!

Good luck, and be glad you're related!!!

Hugs,

Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

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#57858 - 02/11/04 12:00 AM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hey HisMom,

I had two children by the time I was the age that my youngest brother is now, and my dad is having a harder time with him than he ever had with me. At least when I was 18 he knew where I was at night--home with my kids... not an ideal situation I know but at least I wasn't doing the stupid teenage crap that everyone else seems to do.

Are my baby brother--and your son--and lots of other young men--doing dangerous and illegal things because that's what boys do? Maybe. Are they doing it because they're in a lot of pain? For those two and lots of others, I'm sure that that's a big part of it. I know that for me, if I hadn't been home at night with my kids at 18, I probably would have been dead at 19.

What stuck out to me when I read your post was:
Quote:
He does not want to take him back to court as his mom says she will kill herself.
This really burns me up. Please please let your son know that this woman's actions, suicidal or otherwise, have nothing to do with what your son says or does... clearly... because otherwise she wouldn't have stuck by this jerk. Somewhere else in this forum there is post about suicide being a form of control and abandonment. Threatening someone with the prospect that they might cause you to kill yourself is really sick and cruel. Ultimately suicide is a choice that people make or don't make, regardless of the damagingly self-sacrificing things that other people do to stop them. My own excuse for a mother has been blaming me for her eventual suicide for the better part of my life and it hasn't happened yet. You can pm me about this if you want because my feelings about it are too much for the public eye.

Thank you for being someone's second mother. If someone had done that for me at 15 maybe I'd be a better woman today.

SAR


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#57859 - 02/11/04 07:41 PM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
hismom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/09/04
Posts: 2
Loc: Ohio
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, to all of you that replyed to me. I am sitting here crying like a baby because I didn't realize how much I am hurting for my stepson, and how much I really love him like my own. You guys - all of you - men and women - are so strong. I admire you and respect you all. THANKYOU. I am definately going to suggest to him to check out this website. You are all survivors - and now, my heroes. Thanks for sharing.


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#57860 - 02/11/04 08:19 PM Re: my stepsons mom's fiance sexually abused him - help!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
If you can get him here, we'll look after him ;\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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