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#57786 - 02/13/04 01:41 AM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
On 2/10/04, PAS posted:

"I've been putin a very difficult position, having to work with someone who is a paranoid passive-agressive control freak. . and will stop at nothing including stealing my work, stealing my ideas, sabotage, cutting me out of the process, putting words in his bosses mouths, and outright lying to get his way."

PAS,

I'm sorry. I misspoke. It's not your boss who is the malicious creep; it's a co-worker. At least his/her behavior sounds abusive to me. It seems to me that this person needs to be confronted. Surely you must have pent up anger that this person has provoked. It sounds to me like he/she is using you for a ladder to a higher/better position or is simply trying to shove you aside or even out of a job. I don't see how you can avoid bringing your feelings about this nightmare home, especially if you are not directing them towards their source/cause.

If this sounds to you like tough love, it is.

Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#57787 - 02/13/04 10:19 AM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
tough love, whatever... get off my back whatever it is. Doesnt matter anymore though.... my relationship is over

i dont care how many people like you think that i am somehow causing what is going on in my relationship.. no matter how I slice or dice it, no matter my part in it, my boyfriend verbally and emotionally abuses me and threatens me. it happened again last night and I have no choice now but to leave.

so tough love or whatever, i cannot take responsibility for his abuse.. and so that's that..

i will miss you all.. seeing as how i'm no longer in a relatinship with a survivor i guess i'll no longer be around here.

thought that i was getting somewhere with all of this work and effort. i guess i wasn't.

good luck to you all.


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#57788 - 02/13/04 10:50 AM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
PAS -

It is soooo sad to get this news!

Speaking as one who has just given up on trying to have a relationship with a survivor, I know 1st-hand how painful it is to come to such a decision.

Please know that we are all here to support you and will feel very much diminished by your absence.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#57789 - 02/13/04 12:24 PM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
PAS
That's sad news, especially knowing how hard you've tried to it work out. But it's no use trying to heal for someone else, it just doesn't work.
And I'll repeat it untill I'm sick of saying it - "ultimately we have to look after number one, ourselves"

If ever you feel like a chat or just blowing off steam you know where to find us.

What you've added to this forum since you've been here has been incredible, it's helped so many of us understand things we wouldn't normally be able to, I can't thank you enough for that.

Take care.
Dave
\:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#57790 - 02/13/04 03:30 PM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
PAS

I will say it again-- take care of yourself.

Sometimes we tend to lose ourselves, being partners... "partner" isn't a self-sufficient identity, you know, it's an identity that depends on your relationship to someone else... for better or for worse...

And when that someone else is someone you have a lifetime of memories with that is even more true... suddenly you have to question whole stages of your life... I am sorry you have to do this...

Just remember who you are (were) without everything on your back... you said you had thought you were getting somewhere... maybe in a while you will be able to see that you have...

S


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#57791 - 02/13/04 06:47 PM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
lindts Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/03
Posts: 26
Pas,
Right now you must put yourself first and be your own best friend. Think of what advice you'd tell a friend in your situation and then follow it. You are as important as anyone else in your life, bf/co-worker whatever. Take a time-out this weekend. I know having a bad weekend w/ your bf over valentine's day is extremely tough, but if it's any consolation, I probably won't be celebrating it either since my bf is still going through his incredible hulk angry phase and still avoiding me.
But you owe it to yourself to still have fun. Heck, I went snowshoeing last weekend by myself and next weekend I may go to a play by myself. My bf may be letting his life go by, but I'm not letting him bring me down as well.
I went to a partners' meeting this week and I started talking about the difficulties of giving my bf time and space apart. A male partner who separated from his survivor wife several times, waved his finger at me and said "give him as much time and space as he needs now, because if he doesn't get it now, he's going to take it later after you've walked down the aisle." He learned the hard way after getting married and having to endure lengthy periods of separation.
I know you love your bf and want to marry him and share a life. I'm in the exact same boat as you. But try to remember that we are better off waiting until our bf's are really committed to recovery before we leap into marriage. We can't change them, we can only change our own lives.
It sounds like your bf truly loves you but is in so much pain that he can only focus on himself. Well, you too are in a lot of pain right now, so you deserve to focus on yourself. Treat yourself the way you'd want him to treat you.


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#57792 - 02/14/04 06:16 PM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
pas,
i am so sorry to hear about what has recently happened. please do not feel you have to leave. there is a support network that goes beyond the detail of being in an active relationship with a male survivor. you are needed here for the insights that you have gained and for the support we all share. if you must leave here for your safety and well being, then please do so, but do not feel you have to leave because of a detail. that relationship you must leave for your own safety is still a part of you and i for one know i would still benefit from your continued support. don't leave the site over a technicality, leave it because you must for your paece of mind alone. otherwise please stay here and remain a part of this community that has come to treasure your input. we will be much less if you leave because you felt you no longer belonged. you still do, and you always will for as long as you want to. take good care of yourself, pas. i am here if you need me.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#57793 - 02/14/04 09:31 PM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Pas - I have never told anyone that I love them and I think that is a bit sad. I am 46 ...I am getting to the stage now where I may be able to say it back to someone. *I've only read snippets from the above postings.

It sounds like you are in a situation where you can say it, and ask him to say it back. Sounds like you might be 2 compatible people.. please don't waste it!

It's easy for me to say things like this to other people, but I know that you would both probably say the same back to me!?

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#57794 - 02/14/04 09:43 PM Re: question for survivors - verbal abuse
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Pas - sorry - this is the first time I've responded to a topic that's hit 2 pages & have obviously given a reply that is inappropriate. I went off the original topic that was posted and didn't realise that the relationship had deteriorated.
Good luck to you, but please come here and post when you wish - your experiences may still be able to help others. Helping others helps me... if you don't want to, then that's OK as well.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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